Need reality check--sorry for the long post

[Guest guest]

I haven't posted in months (things have been realitively smooth), but

I need some help.

My daughter (age 3) has been sick with a stomach flu so she won't be

trick-or-treating tonight. Fortunately, she doesn't really know that

today is Halloween.

We spoke with Nada this afternoon. My daughter is only allowed to

talk to nada on the phone if we have the speakerphone on and I am

there with her. Before I turned the speaker phone on, I told nada

that her granddaughter was really sick and not to mention Halloween.

The minute I turned on the speaker so my daughter could hear her

grandmother, nada said, " So, are you getting all dressed up to go

trick or treating? " My daughter is so sick she didn't even hear nada

so fortunately it didn't turn into a huge drama.

Here's what's really getting to me: I didn't really pick up on it

until later. I just said, " Let's not talk about that, okay? " and

moved on. When my husband came home, I complained of a really bad

headache I have had since 4:30. We started about what happenned

around 4:30. I told him I talked to my nada. He pointed out to me

that she did it on purpose. I find myself telling him that no one

would intentionally upset a small sick child to harrass the child's

mother. We've been married 8 years, and he acts as my memory of my

mother's abuse because I tend to block it out. He started listing

the other times she has harmed our daughter (physically and

emotionally) to try to get to me (which is why she only has contact

with our daughter when a parent hear every word she says).

Instantly, my headache starts to subside but I still feel like he

might be over reacting. She wouldn't really do that, would she?

Then nada calls back around 7:00; husband answers the phone. She

says, " Oh, are you getting ready to go trick or treating? Oh, that's

right, you're not. " Now I am pretty certain he is right about what

she was doing.

Here's why I am angry: I have worked so hard at setting boundaries so

that my daughter could know my nada without being harmed by that

relationship and yet my nada pulls this kind of stunt (directed at me

but intended to upset my sick girl) and I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT FOR WHAT

IT WAS! It's still hard for me to believe. I think, " It must have

been a mistake. " Why do I try to make excuses for something so

horrible? It was horrible, wasn't it?

This is what I need to know--in all honesty, please tell me if you

think this was really bad or if I (and my husband) are over

reacting. Also, if it was bad, do you ever have moments with your

nada where her behavior doesn't register with you until hours later.