Second post...but a lot has happened- any advice for me??

[Guest guest]

Ok, so I posted my first post a few weeks ago right after I found

this board. I had the undiagnosed mom and younger siblings that I am

worried about and my mom blames all her anger & emotional problems on

the family tragedy that happened a year and a half ago. And I do not

live near my family- for any refreshers if anyone read my post.

Well- this weekend my family had an incident and my teenage sister

drank too much and started freaking out and was beyond drunk and her

friends called my mother and said that my sister needed her- she was

saying she didnt want to live anymore and referring a lot to the

family tragedy. Saying that she could have stopped it- and she should

have stopped it.

She was taken by ambulance to the hospital- monitored and psych

evaled. They decided she should go to adolescent clinic for a few

days to be further watched & focused on herself. So she is coming

home tonight and Im terrified that my parents are just not going to

do the right things & really screw it all up!

My mother was talking to me last night with just unrealistic

boundaries for her- she will have no texting on her cell phone

anymore because she cannot monitor it- i replied that is silly &

unrealistic in this day & age- texting is like me talking to my

friends on the phone in my teen years- but then i said why is that an

issue anyway, wont she be grounded without a phone- then her reply is

who said she will be grounded- um, hello! a little background- over

the past year she has been caught drinking with her friends or trying

to take alcohol about 5 times- no real punishments after- a few times

she has taken alcohol from my parents house or got caught in the

house drinking their stuff- my other adult sister and I stressed that

they are not giving her consequences and letting her use the tragedy

as an excuse to get what she wants! So in talking to my mom last

night I am trying to tell her that she needs realistic boundaries and

grounding & no cell is what is needed- take those distractions out of

her life so that she can focus on her therapy and get to the bottom

of what is bothering her- her posttraumatic stress disorder &

survivors guilt (they are saying that is what her problem is)

now- I do not doubt for a second that she has sad feelings & somehow

cannot cope with these feelings- but I do not think she wants to hurt

herself. She is reaching out for her parents attention who only give

it to her when its from a negative thing.

As you all can imagine my parents really have been arguing a lot with

my BPD mom- she isnt easy to live with- you all know- but also I dont

think father in this picture does that much to help these days- he

works 7 days a week for a family owned business and really is not

taking any time out for his children- or his wife- and there have

been rumors of possible infidelity with a coworker (that he denies)

I am trying to get them to listen to me- if they are really scared

for their young children then why not do what is necessary like they

say. They are so selfish if they really do not drop all the

activities that they do for themselves & not just come together and

focus on the kids.

Oh and I must add my teen sis treats my mom like crap (I know it can

be unbearable to deal with the BPD all the time & living there- I did

it!) but at the age she is at and with the way my mom is- it is

really easy to just avoid it all and do the little things she wants

around the house and then you have it made- she lets her do whatever

she wants. My mom is not so severe when it comes to the kids- she

really directs all her anger & issues towards the adults and her

husband. So I do think she should be somewhat respectful to her &

clean her room when asked or get off the computer when its late at

night and she asks- but my sister will fight with her back & last

week ran out of the house running to father at work- in turn he takes

her side (cause he does not want to look like the bad guy in his

daughters eye- and also he knows his own frustration with my mother)

so then they turn against each other and the teen gets what she wants-

the attention from them both & spoiling from daddy.

I have pointed out to my parents that she manipulates them to turn

them against each other for her own gain (which is short term) but

really she just wants them to give her discipline & the whole family

to just be happy together.

Sooooo I guess my real question is- how do you sit back and watch

young children suffer- when you are their adult sibling and feel you

should be fighting for them- when their parents will not look at the

big picture and listen to what we who are insiders, but outsiders at

the same time- see???

I know they are scared and the whole family tragedy and her guilty &

obsessive feelings towards being able to prevent it with the suicidal

claims in her blacked out state from alcohol- I am terrified- it is a

delicate matter- but their approach is see how she is when she comes

home from the clinic and take it day by day- and well I just dont

agree- I know them- and they will feel bad for her and over

compensate with things- sending her to functions with her friends-

buying her things- and its just ridiculous.

If she was drinking & got caught and did not have the suicidal claims

or the family tragedy- would she be punished for this incident?? she

broke the law- defied my parents- and in the past when she has gotten

caught and had no punishment she has laughed to us saying- i know I

can do what I want- and she makes the worse decisions!

So sorry this is sooo long- Thank you so much for taking the time to

read it & if anyone has any advice on how I can get my points across

to my parents- my mother especially since she just starts quoting a

self help book she read or something and thinks its the bible & can

solve everyones problems- which in turns makes me see that she is not

even listening & considering what I say. she doesnt have to agree and

the bottom line is that she is her parent & they decide the route to

take with her- but she is so one-track minded and just cannot hear

the words I say- she makes it personal and argues back with me that I

am just against her & I dont want to hurt her or am I against her- I

am for my siblings and I wish she could see that!

This might be the incident that finally pushes me to get a therapist

of my own!

Thanks again!