After death

[Guest guest]

My mother passed away in June this year, my husband and I looked after

her hands on for approx 10 years. It was really very very hard, which

is actually an understatement. I often wonder when meeting other

people just how life feels for them, free of the shadow of bpd. The

most disturbing thing is the complete silence from my siblings and

father. No condolences from dad, no talk of mom. nothing. no

acknowledgement of how tough it was, nor any trying to work out or

clear up any of the drama. Yet when she was alive they appointed

themselves caretakers of her affairs and played bully in my/our life.

In my mind I totally understand, and see no point in dwelling on

them, or the past, but in my heart, I check the mail just hoping for

something, esp from dad. I leave it at that and try and sort it out in

my own head, but it is like that pile of mess in the corner that just

never seems to clear up. I found when I wake up it hits home hardest,

and then also thoughts of mom come pouring in. It is less frequent,

and I am sure it is all part of a mourning process. Her death released

me, and my memories, and one thing that struck me was her love for

myself and brother. It was tainted with her illness, but she never

attacked us, she just made us her care givers from way too young and

was very manipulative about it. I realised that bpd does not always

mean verbal or physical attacks. I use to say that it was like she was

just not there, esp when it came to a crisis in our lives as kids that

needed to be confronted by her. But if we (or friends) were ever in

need of a home cooked meal, or a shoulder to cry on she was there for

us. By the time she died, she was completely caught up in her world,

full on bpd. What I am trying to deal with is our relationship when

she died. What I became, and what she became. I always imagined I

would sit beside her, and we would tell each other that no matter how

hard or horrible things became that we loved each other. This did not

happen. My brother saw her the night she died (she was in hospital for

an op on her hip), and decided not to call me (passive aggressive bs,

I had asked him to when he was with her as I was 60 odd k's from the

hospital and just about to give birth to my 3rd child, which I did 2

weeks later). I never said anything to him re this as I see no point

in creating anymore unnecessary drama. I guess what I am looking for

is release, from her. to hear her say, 'it is alright darling', after

I have said I am sorry that it all got so warped, to tell her that

under all the mess, the love was/is still there, that I love her, and

understand...

After all the pain, drama, even the years of waste, I am glad that I

did take care of her...

[Guest guest]

First I want to say I am so sorry for your losses. Your first loss is

of course the death of your mother. Second loss not being able to put

closure on this relationship, and let her know how much despite the

other stuff, you did love her. Third loss this void in your life from

your father and siblings. Fourth loss still wanting what you could

never have.

Death is hard for anyone, but I feel yours and any of us growing up

with a bp, get slammed with more. Going through the death of normal

parent- whatever that truly means, is hard. Till our parent's die, we

have experienced already several losses, that this is the finally one.

You I feel in addition to just trying to make sense and peace with

all of this, are being way too hard on yourself. You did the best

that you could, and you loved her the best way you could. Somehow you

also knew you could only give as much as you could, without losing

you in this midst of dealing with your relationship with your mother.

Sad to say, we can't from them what we seek when they are alive, so

it is going to happen in death. You have 3 children and a life. Maybe

your father and siblings will come around, maybe not...they are

grieving too. You are grieving layers here, it is a process and it

will take time.

I did confront my mother and spewed to her, how much she hurt me, and

how much I still loved her- she only heard my hurt, and when the

opportunity presented itself I got reminded of how I hurt her.

I will never get what I wanted- from her, I however can give myself

many wonderful things. If you are not in therapy, I am recommending

it, and if possible the role playing kind of therapy, where you have

the opportunity to express yourself to these people in your life that

have hurt you and get rid of what you have been holding on to.

I spent a week at the Caron House- and we continual worked through

our issues with this psycho-drama skits. It may sound silly but

having the opportunity to confront, release and then discuss what you

were and are feeling was huge for me.

We can only change ourselves, and in hoping for what can be or what

should have been, keeps us from what we need to do- change how we see

and feel about the people in our lives.

I am sure your mother knew you loved her, and now it is time for you

to love yourself and heal from the losses in your life.

Malinda

In WTOAdultChildren1 , " claudsballs "

wrote:

>

> My mother passed away in June this year, my husband and I looked

after

> her hands on for approx 10 years. It was really very very hard,

which

> is actually an understatement. I often wonder when meeting other

> people just how life feels for them, free of the shadow of bpd. The

> most disturbing thing is the complete silence from my siblings and

> father. No condolences from dad, no talk of mom. nothing. no

> acknowledgement of how tough it was, nor any trying to work out or

> clear up any of the drama. Yet when she was alive they appointed

> themselves caretakers of her affairs and played bully in my/our

life.

> In my mind I totally understand, and see no point in dwelling on

> them, or the past, but in my heart, I check the mail just hoping for

> something, esp from dad. I leave it at that and try and sort it out

in

> my own head, but it is like that pile of mess in the corner that

just

> never seems to clear up. I found when I wake up it hits home

hardest,

> and then also thoughts of mom come pouring in. It is less frequent,

> and I am sure it is all part of a mourning process. Her death

released

> me, and my memories, and one thing that struck me was her love for

> myself and brother. It was tainted with her illness, but she never

> attacked us, she just made us her care givers from way too young and

> was very manipulative about it. I realised that bpd does not always

> mean verbal or physical attacks. I use to say that it was like she

was

> just not there, esp when it came to a crisis in our lives as kids

that

> needed to be confronted by her. But if we (or friends) were ever in

> need of a home cooked meal, or a shoulder to cry on she was there

for

> us. By the time she died, she was completely caught up in her world,

> full on bpd. What I am trying to deal with is our relationship when

> she died. What I became, and what she became. I always imagined I

> would sit beside her, and we would tell each other that no matter

how

> hard or horrible things became that we loved each other. This did

not

> happen. My brother saw her the night she died (she was in hospital

for

> an op on her hip), and decided not to call me (passive aggressive

bs,

> I had asked him to when he was with her as I was 60 odd k's from the

> hospital and just about to give birth to my 3rd child, which I did 2

> weeks later). I never said anything to him re this as I see no point

> in creating anymore unnecessary drama. I guess what I am looking for

> is release, from her. to hear her say, 'it is alright darling',

after

> I have said I am sorry that it all got so warped, to tell her that

> under all the mess, the love was/is still there, that I love her,

and

> understand...

> After all the pain, drama, even the years of waste, I am glad that I

> did take care of her...

>

[Guest guest]

I am sorry for your loss.

You know, we always say actions speak louder than words. You are sad

wondering if your mother knew how you felt but the truth is you

showed her how you felt. That, to me, is better than any words

someone can say. I am glad to hear she was there for you, too,

when you needed her.

I'm sorry your family is giving you such a hard time and will not

acknowledge many things.

(((Hugs))) to you.

>

> My mother passed away in June this year, my husband and I looked

after

> her hands on for approx 10 years. It was really very very hard,

which

> is actually an understatement. I often wonder when meeting other

> people just how life feels for them, free of the shadow of bpd. The

> most disturbing thing is the complete silence from my siblings and

> father. No condolences from dad, no talk of mom. nothing. no

> acknowledgement of how tough it was, nor any trying to work out or

> clear up any of the drama. Yet when she was alive they appointed

> themselves caretakers of her affairs and played bully in my/our

life.

> In my mind I totally understand, and see no point in dwelling on

> them, or the past, but in my heart, I check the mail just hoping for

> something, esp from dad. I leave it at that and try and sort it out

in

> my own head, but it is like that pile of mess in the corner that

just

> never seems to clear up. I found when I wake up it hits home

hardest,

> and then also thoughts of mom come pouring in. It is less frequent,

> and I am sure it is all part of a mourning process. Her death

released

> me, and my memories, and one thing that struck me was her love for

> myself and brother. It was tainted with her illness, but she never

> attacked us, she just made us her care givers from way too young and

> was very manipulative about it. I realised that bpd does not always

> mean verbal or physical attacks. I use to say that it was like she

was

> just not there, esp when it came to a crisis in our lives as kids

that

> needed to be confronted by her. But if we (or friends) were ever in

> need of a home cooked meal, or a shoulder to cry on she was there

for

> us. By the time she died, she was completely caught up in her world,

> full on bpd. What I am trying to deal with is our relationship when

> she died. What I became, and what she became. I always imagined I

> would sit beside her, and we would tell each other that no matter

how

> hard or horrible things became that we loved each other. This did

not

> happen. My brother saw her the night she died (she was in hospital

for

> an op on her hip), and decided not to call me (passive aggressive

bs,

> I had asked him to when he was with her as I was 60 odd k's from the

> hospital and just about to give birth to my 3rd child, which I did 2

> weeks later). I never said anything to him re this as I see no point

> in creating anymore unnecessary drama. I guess what I am looking for

> is release, from her. to hear her say, 'it is alright darling',

after

> I have said I am sorry that it all got so warped, to tell her that

> under all the mess, the love was/is still there, that I love her,

and

> understand...

> After all the pain, drama, even the years of waste, I am glad that I

> did take care of her...

>