what about me?

[Guest guest]

My periods of personal struggling, which I have just gone through

again, are always followed by more strength and hope for me.

Being an adult child of a bp means so many things to each of us.

Always though the common threads are parents with unkind words,

selfish

actions, lack of empathy and of course lack validation of their

children's existence- especially our feelings.

Yes, this has created a huge hole- in my soul. It also has made

me work so hard to recieve my mother's love, acceptance and

validation. I centered my world around my mother's needs and wants-

hoping one day I would consistently hear from her- I love you without

conditions. I love you without you fullfilling my needs and wants. I

accept you for you and I honor and respect the life you have choosen

to lead.

HELLO....that is never going to happen. It is a dream that will

always elude me. My parent doesn't want to change- she is not

uncomfortable with who she....never has been. She will even tell me

how right and comfortable she is in her in own skin.

It is that little girl who still lives inside of me and reacts

to my mother- that struggles with this so very much. The adult part

of me realizes you are 50, and yes you are entitled to your own life.

The validation and acceptance you so desire must come from yourself,

then those in your life that love you unconditonal- my bp parent is

not one of them.

I truly do not exist outside her need and want of me. Yes, it

hurts- but so does chasing this illusion. I will never give her

enough and I will never get the parent I so deserved. I must make

peace with that each day, until one day I let go of that illusion.

I spent all day with my mother yesterday 8:30 to 4:00, did what

she wanted- shared my time. This morning she called me, and I told

her I had cooked last night, and I had 3 meals to share with her for

next week, so my dad didn't have to cook for 3 days.

Tomorrow night my daughter and I are helping my mother clear out

her summer clothes and set up her winter clothes and then having

dinner with them. Today though my father is working- and she will be

home alone, and she wanted to know what was I doing, aka- how can I

leave her alone.

My mother hates to be alone. After I told her all I had to do-my

fall household chores, and I did not offer to fill in her day with

visiting her or doing something with her, she didn't really want to

even talk with me.

I am as good as the last thing I can do with and are for her. I did

get scolded for not getting more help from my family, because if I

did I would be more available with my schedule and I guess free to be

with her....and what about me- and my needs and wants- non existent

to her and all of them.

I just needed to vent- here on this board is another place I get

the validation and support I so seek...and I thank you for listening.

Malinda