Upcoming Wedding (long post....sorry)

October 25, 2008

Hello Everyone,

I am brand new to the board and really new to the idea of the

disorder itself. I believe my mother has BPD. I always knew she was

very irrational and had a temper that would explode over the

slightest change in the wind, if you know what I mean. I had learned

to just live with it and try to be as least confrontational as

possible in order to have a somewhat " normal " relationship with her.

My parents divorced about 7 years ago... I find it miraculous that

they lasted 16 years. Well, they haven't spoken during that time, and

both want nothing to do with eachother. My mother more so, she lets

me know that she hates my father every moment she can.

This hadn't bothered me until I got engaged. From the moment he put

that pretty ring on my finger, I began dreading my wedding, because I

knew that it would most likely be a tramatic day if my parents had to

come into the same vicinity of one another. After much counsel from

friends and professors ( I am finishing my degree this May) I came up

with the idea to have a ceremony with just my fiance and our close

friends and then invite each of my parents to throw us a reception

for their family and friends, hoping they would each be somewhat

receptive to the idea.

Well my father, who isn't BP, loves the idea. My mother on the other

hand, told me I should just elope and that my father must be

manipulating my views on the wedding. She pretty much told me she

wanted nothing to do with the whole idea and has no reason why I even

want to get married in the first place.

After one of my professors offered the idea of BPD, I researched it

and was amazed about how it exactly described my mother. However, I

am struggling with the fact that she wants nothing to do with her

only daughter's wedding plans. I understand that she is mentally

ill... but I find myself still dreading planning a wedding knowing

she will ridicule everything, even though she says she doesn't want

anything to do with it. I also know she is going to hold the whole

thing against me for the rest of her life.

I just don't really know how to cope with these feelings. I so badly

want to feel excited about my marriage, but I can't seem to fling the

feeling of dread that my mother is going to be upset with me for

this. (If you couldn't tell I am very non-confrontational and have

always tried to be a pleaser of everyone, even if that meant

neglecting myself)

Does anyone have any insight?

Thanks,

Junebride

October 26, 2008

((((((((((((JuneBride)))))))))))

Welcome to this Group. Yep it sounds like your mother is exhibiting

typical BPD behavior, in that she sees your getting married as your

abandoning her, and so she is not being supportive at all.

What a " nada " thing to do. That is a term used here for

" not-a-mother " , a " nada " . Other posters here have said the same

thing: events like weddings, the birth of a child, holidays and

birthdays seem to bring out the worst in our nadas and fadas.

I wish there were some magic wand available that we could wave and

transform our mentally ill parents into normal, sweet, happy, loving,

nurturing, supportive people, but there isn't.

You have already done the best thing possible, which is to actually

recognize and accept that your mother is mentally ill, and she can't

or won't behave normally.

For borderlines and narcissists and other " Cluster B " s (Those are the

pds who act out, and have little or no empathy for other people's

needs and feelings. The other pds in this group are the

psychopaths/sociopaths/antisocial pds, and the histrionic pds) the

bottom line is " its always all about ME! " , with the underlying

message, " and if you don't agree, you can go F*** yourself! "

Your idea to have a small wedding and separate receptions is brilliant!

Becoming detached from your mother emotionally is a process, and you

will have progress and setbacks. I am so happy for you that your dad

is more emotionally healthy and normal, and will be there for you and

throw a reception for his side of the family.

Its so sad to go through a kind of grieving process at the same time

you are planning your wedding, but you sound like a very strong and

intelligent person. Sounds like you realize that your mother could

very well speak ill of you and " hold this over your head " for the rest

of her life, but it is in YOUR power to decide how you will react to

that. Don't let her manipulate you using fear, obligation or guilt

( " FOG " ). You don't deserve to be emotionally abused like that. Rely on

your own instincts for what is sane and normal behavior and don't let

her manipulate or cow you.

This is a great place to share your feelings as you go through the

various stages of acceptance and setting boundaries and wishing for

something you never had, with other people who know exactly what you

are talking about.

I hope you have the loveliest, sweetest wedding ever!

-Annie

>

> Hello Everyone,

>

> I am brand new to the board and really new to the idea of the

> disorder itself. I believe my mother has BPD. I always knew she was

> very irrational and had a temper that would explode over the

> slightest change in the wind, if you know what I mean. I had learned

> to just live with it and try to be as least confrontational as

> possible in order to have a somewhat " normal " relationship with her.

> My parents divorced about 7 years ago... I find it miraculous that

> they lasted 16 years. Well, they haven't spoken during that time, and

> both want nothing to do with eachother. My mother more so, she lets

> me know that she hates my father every moment she can.

>

> This hadn't bothered me until I got engaged. From the moment he put

> that pretty ring on my finger, I began dreading my wedding, because I

> knew that it would most likely be a tramatic day if my parents had to

> come into the same vicinity of one another. After much counsel from

> friends and professors ( I am finishing my degree this May) I came up

> with the idea to have a ceremony with just my fiance and our close

> friends and then invite each of my parents to throw us a reception

> for their family and friends, hoping they would each be somewhat

> receptive to the idea.

>

> Well my father, who isn't BP, loves the idea. My mother on the other

> hand, told me I should just elope and that my father must be

> manipulating my views on the wedding. She pretty much told me she

> wanted nothing to do with the whole idea and has no reason why I even

> want to get married in the first place.

>

> After one of my professors offered the idea of BPD, I researched it

> and was amazed about how it exactly described my mother. However, I

> am struggling with the fact that she wants nothing to do with her

> only daughter's wedding plans. I understand that she is mentally

> ill... but I find myself still dreading planning a wedding knowing

> she will ridicule everything, even though she says she doesn't want

> anything to do with it. I also know she is going to hold the whole

> thing against me for the rest of her life.

>

> I just don't really know how to cope with these feelings. I so badly

> want to feel excited about my marriage, but I can't seem to fling the

> feeling of dread that my mother is going to be upset with me for

> this. (If you couldn't tell I am very non-confrontational and have

> always tried to be a pleaser of everyone, even if that meant

> neglecting myself)

>

> Does anyone have any insight?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Junebride

>

October 26, 2008

Hi Junebride,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!! And I'm sorry that your

mother also suffers from this disorder. I don't know that I have

much insight about how to handle things (all of us have such

different situations and ways of coping), but I do know that it is

your wedding and it should be exactly what YOU and your husband want

it to be. No matter what other people think or say. My stepmother

has BPD and she tried to ruin my wedding. To this day I wish I had

just let her throw her fit and not come, instead of trying my hardest

to smooth things over and work things out (like always). It would

have been more comfortable for everyone involoved. We actually put a

plan in place to get her out if she started anything. I found out

three years later that she spend a large part of my wedding crying,

and even pulled some crap with my new in-laws, who were baffled. Her

sister tried to intimidate my mother as well (my stepmother hates my

mother because mom had us and my stepmother couldn't have kids with

my dad - he had had a vasectomy before my mother and he were

divorced - somehow she blames my mom for this).

At this point in my life, smoothing things over and working things

out = being no contact. I was always the peacemaker, trying to keep

her calm and not ruffle any feathers, even if it meant doing things I

didn't want to do because just because she demaded that they be

done. Things I didn't want to do were numerous and included, calling

her 'mom' even though I didn't want to, not becoming a teacher even

though that's what I wanted to be when I grew up (I'm working on it

now though!), letting her select my wedding dress and hairstylist

(she wanted to run the whole wedding, but I wouldn't let her, and

that's why she tried to cause big problems), and not talk to my

sister because my sister wouldn't let her be in the room when my

sister had her first baby. That last one was what ended my

relationship with my stepmother (and father). I'm not sure what will

work best for you, but I do know that your wedding is one of the most

special days in your life, and one you will remember forever. Don't

let anyone put a dark cloud over it! I think you'll find that the

people who love you unconditionally will do everything they can to

make that possible!

Best wishes!

J

>

> Hello Everyone,

>

> I am brand new to the board and really new to the idea of the

> disorder itself. I believe my mother has BPD. I always knew she was

> very irrational and had a temper that would explode over the

> slightest change in the wind, if you know what I mean. I had

learned

> to just live with it and try to be as least confrontational as

> possible in order to have a somewhat " normal " relationship with

her.

> My parents divorced about 7 years ago... I find it miraculous that

> they lasted 16 years. Well, they haven't spoken during that time,

and

> both want nothing to do with eachother. My mother more so, she lets

> me know that she hates my father every moment she can.

>

> This hadn't bothered me until I got engaged. From the moment he

put

> that pretty ring on my finger, I began dreading my wedding, because

I

> knew that it would most likely be a tramatic day if my parents had

to

> come into the same vicinity of one another. After much counsel from

> friends and professors ( I am finishing my degree this May) I came

up

> with the idea to have a ceremony with just my fiance and our close

> friends and then invite each of my parents to throw us a reception

> for their family and friends, hoping they would each be somewhat

> receptive to the idea.

>

> Well my father, who isn't BP, loves the idea. My mother on the

other

> hand, told me I should just elope and that my father must be

> manipulating my views on the wedding. She pretty much told me she

> wanted nothing to do with the whole idea and has no reason why I

even

> want to get married in the first place.

>

> After one of my professors offered the idea of BPD, I researched it

> and was amazed about how it exactly described my mother. However, I

> am struggling with the fact that she wants nothing to do with her

> only daughter's wedding plans. I understand that she is mentally

> ill... but I find myself still dreading planning a wedding knowing

> she will ridicule everything, even though she says she doesn't want

> anything to do with it. I also know she is going to hold the whole

> thing against me for the rest of her life.

>

> I just don't really know how to cope with these feelings. I so

badly

> want to feel excited about my marriage, but I can't seem to fling

the

> feeling of dread that my mother is going to be upset with me for

> this. (If you couldn't tell I am very non-confrontational and have

> always tried to be a pleaser of everyone, even if that meant

> neglecting myself)

>

> Does anyone have any insight?

>

> Thanks,

>

> Junebride

>

October 30, 2008

Junebride,

I didn't find out that my mother had BPD until after my wedding, so

unfortunately I had to go through it with her there. She was

relatively well behaved, but she did yell and curse at our priest at

the rehearsal, left my rehearsal dinner early, complained about having

to dress me the day of my wedding, threw a fit and left me to go the

reception early when the photographer ran only ten minutes late, and

texted me the first day of my honeymoon to tell me I didn't deserve to

take the trip! I really feel like nothing could have ruined my day,

because I was so focused on my husband and how happy i was. I would

have been happier and had less stress if she hadn't been there though.

Try to decide what's best for you. Don't be afraid to exclude her to

protect yourself if you feel you need to. It's her actions that make

her unable to participate, and that's not your fault.