Guest guest Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 Everyone makes mistakes. I'm sure that your son will get over it, especially since it's obvious that you feel very badly about it. Did you apologize to him? There is no need to beat yourself up, you are sincerely sorry, you made a mistake, there's nothing else you can do about it. > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > I just don't have the words. > > Help? > Mercy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 Mercy, We all make mistakes, and this was not intentional. You are human and we all forget things. I am mother, so I do I understand. Honestly beating ourselves up, helps nothing. I don't know the age of your son, but maybe you could make a playdate with your son and the child celebrating their birthday. You can make it a " special date " just for the 2 of them. All will be forgotten and forgiven. Take care of yourself, Malinda In WTOAdultChildren1 , " mercysaidno415 " wrote: > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > I just don't have the words. > > Help? > Mercy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 At 10:04 PM 10/19/2008 mercysaidno415 wrote: >I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was >invited to >today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > >I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. Do you feel so bad because you feel like you've treated your son the way your nada treated you? Remember, there's a big difference between missing something because you made a mistake that you regret afterward and missing something your son cared about because you just didn't give a darn that how he felt. Parents make mistakes. They're human. Nadas don't make mistakes because they know they're better than the rest of us humans. They don't shed tears over forgetting something like this because it doesn't matter to them. Apologize and do something appropriate to help make sure your son knows you care. Don't beat yourself up over it. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 What is it that separates us from our parents with BPD? We actually give a damn about the feelings of our children and since I have no doubt that the mistake was just that--a mistake, and not an effort to control the child through malicious subtrefuge, I think you can ease up a bit and let yourself off the hook. As long as the boy knows how badly you feel and can see your sincerity, he will be fine. IN FACT I think you can turn this situation into a healthy learning lesson for the child. EVERYONE screws up, we are overloaded, over stimulated, over burdened, worried, concerned, frightened and just plain distracted every day. That anyone gets anything done these days with all that is going on globally and locally is an amazement to me and a testement to our abilities to keep getting up no matter how many times we get knocked down. If your child sees you as human, no doubt he will see himself as human as well and when he screws up, he will know that it is all a part of life and that you can learn from it and move on. Be strong Oh guys,...I blew it. I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. I just don't have the words. Help? Mercy __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 Oh Mercy, dont' feel bad, you didn't " blow it " ! You just forgot. We are only human. With our lives being as busy and hectic as they are, we are going to forget things sometimes. You did not do this on purpose......you are not being a NADA.....you simply forgot, and I'm sure your son will eventually forgive you and understand (if he hasnt already!) It was a mistake. Not a way to manipulate or hurt your son. Sometimes we try so hard not to be like our parents that we are extra hard on ourselves when we do make simple, normal, human mistakes. Don't beat yourself up. I know you are a great mom. ~Sara Jo > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > Help? > > Mercy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 19, 2008 Report Share Posted October 19, 2008 All great replies and great advice. Since I am very intent on " how can I not do this in the future " thinking, I would recommend getting a family calendar and writing everything down on there. I write everything down myself, because I forget stuff too. And it's already been said, but the fact that you even give a crap makes you so NOT a nada! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Yes, I was going to recommend the calendar, too! There are so many kids' events, any parent has a hard time remembering all of them . My son and I both rely on our family calendar for school and social events -- he even has me mark down tv shows he doesn't want to miss, it's something we keep up together! You're only human, try not to expect perfection of yourself! Have you heard of www.flylady.net? Check it out, it's a free website all about loving yourself and taking care of your house, your kids and yourself without all the guilt and shame and judgment. Someone on this board recommended the site to me 2 years ago and it's really helped me as a parent! (And she sells a great calendar, by the way.) Best, S Re: Oh guys,...I blew it. To: WTOAdultChildren1 > All great replies and great advice. Since I am very intent on " how > can I not do this in the future " thinking, I would recommend > getting a > family calendar and writing everything down on there. > > I write everything down myself, because I forget stuff too. > > And it's already been said, but the fact that you even give a crap > makes you so NOT a nada! > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Oh, Mercy! {{BIG HUGS}} I've done the same thing -- MORE THAN ONCE! You've got to stop beating yourself up -- we are inundated with so much in our culture today -- and media tells us we're supposed to do it perfectly and efficiently, etc., etc..... Stop. Take a breath. You're human -- you're being too hard on yourself. Once I was so proud of myself because I had a kid's birthday gift a week ahead of time -- not something I usually do! So what do I do the day of the party? Take the kids outside to play after their naps, as usual, make dinner, get everybody ready for bed, etc., etc. totally FORGETTING About the party! It's not the end of the world and for heaven's sakes -- we're not all Martha ! Damn her...... Seriously -- forgive yourself. When you're over the trauma, you'll find yourself telling that story to a group of moms and you'll be amazed that they all have AT LEAST ONE story that matches or tops yours! Even my therapist (isn't she supposed to be perfect??LOL) talks of the time she was at work and forgot to pick up her daughter and friends after a school event. It happens! Our world comes at us too quickly -- give yourself a pass for the occasional goof! {Hugs, hugs, and more hugs} -Kyla > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > I just don't have the words. > > Help? > Mercy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Dame - Yes, I did. I told him that I was sorry and that I had made a huge mistake. He was very sweet. He said 'that's ok Mom, I forgive you.' > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > Help? > > Mercy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Thanks Sara Jo. You're right. I didn't do it on purpose,...but I sure wish I hadn't forgotten. Hugs to you sweetie. > > > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my > children's > > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited > to > > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > > > Help? > > > Mercy > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Thanks Malinda. He's 8 and that's a great idea. > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > Help? > > Mercy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Thanks Katrina,...I guess I'm grateful for my tears. I hadn't thought about it that way! > > >I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was > >invited to > >today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > >I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > Do you feel so bad because you feel like you've treated your son > the way your nada treated you? Remember, there's a big > difference between missing something because you made a mistake > that you regret afterward and missing something your son cared > about because you just didn't give a darn that how he felt. > Parents make mistakes. They're human. Nadas don't make mistakes > because they know they're better than the rest of us humans. > They don't shed tears over forgetting something like this > because it doesn't matter to them. Apologize and do something > appropriate to help make sure your son knows you care. Don't > beat yourself up over it. > > -- > Katrina > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 , yes. Another awesome post. > > What is it that separates us from our parents with BPD? We actually give a damn about the feelings of our children and since I have no doubt that the mistake was just that--a mistake, and not an effort to control the child through malicious subtrefuge, I think you can ease up a bit and let yourself off the hook. As long as the boy knows how badly you feel and can see your sincerity, he will be fine. IN FACT I think you can turn this situation into a healthy learning lesson for the child. EVERYONE screws up, we are overloaded, over stimulated, over burdened, worried, concerned, frightened and just plain distracted every day. That anyone gets anything done these days with all that is going on globally and locally is an amazement to me and a testement to our abilities to keep getting up no matter how many times we get knocked down. > If your child sees you as human, no doubt he will see himself as human as well and when he screws up, he will know that it is all a part of life and that you can learn from it and move on. > Be strong > > > > > Oh guys,...I blew it. > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > I just don't have the words. > > Help? > Mercy > > > > __________________________________________________ > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Vegdeanna, We actually all use my planner. I'm hypervigilant about having everyone write stuff in it. This one slipped through the cracks though. I have to admit, I never even considered the fact that I cared to be such a distinguishing characteristic. My first and strongest reaction was just to pound myself for screwing up. Kindest regards, Mercy > > All great replies and great advice. Since I am very intent on " how > can I not do this in the future " thinking, I would recommend getting a > family calendar and writing everything down on there. > > I write everything down myself, because I forget stuff too. > > And it's already been said, but the fact that you even give a crap > makes you so NOT a nada! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 OMG!! I forgot about the flylady!! Thank you!! > > Yes, I was going to recommend the calendar, too! > > There are so many kids' events, any parent has a hard time remembering all of them . My son and I both rely on our family calendar for school and social events -- he even has me mark down tv shows he doesn't want to miss, it's something we keep up together! > > You're only human, try not to expect perfection of yourself! > > Have you heard of www.flylady.net? Check it out, it's a free website all about loving yourself and taking care of your house, your kids and yourself without all the guilt and shame and judgment. Someone on this board recommended the site to me 2 years ago and it's really helped me as a parent! (And she sells a great calendar, by the way.) > > Best, S > Re: Oh guys,...I blew it. > To: WTOAdultChildren1 > > > All great replies and great advice. Since I am very intent on " how > > can I not do this in the future " thinking, I would recommend > > getting a > > family calendar and writing everything down on there. > > > > I write everything down myself, because I forget stuff too. > > > > And it's already been said, but the fact that you even give a crap > > makes you so NOT a nada! > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 My dear Kyla, Thank you. Sometimes it feels like the juggling act catches up with me so suddenly. I carry it for awhile and then it just feels like it implodes. My first reaction is always to blame myself. Always has been. And my 'inner-nada' is just all too eager to chime in. Thank you. Love, Mercy > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my > children's > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited > to > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > Help? > > Mercy > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 , I have a daily alarm on my cell to remind me to get him from school!! I get so focused at work that I lose track of time. I'm sure glad that I'm not alone. Thank you. > > > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my > > children's > > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was > invited > > to > > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > > > Help? > > > Mercy > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 I always say that I'd like my kids even if they weren't mine. We do enjoy each other. That says alot. > > > > > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my > > > children's > > > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was > > invited > > > to > > > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > > > > > Help? > > > > Mercy > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Thank you thank you thank you to everyone. I can always count on you to understand when most people struggle to comprehend why I just can't let it go. Thank you all for your soothing, kind and most helpful words. This truly is a safe place for me. I need to learn that I don't have to be perfect to NOT be like nada. That's the hardest part for me and I thank you all for listening and helping me through a dark night. Maybe tonight I'll get some sleep! Big hugs to you all, Mercy > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my children's > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was invited to > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > I just don't have the words. > > Help? > Mercy > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Mercy -- I remember the time I assured a mom that I'd pick up her son for a football game because she needed to leave with her daughter to go to Parent Night. She would be leaving her son alone at home for a brief time until I got there. Well -- I just hopped in the car with my son and we went to the game -- completely FORGETTING about the other boy. I left him at home alone, all suited up for the game. The mother had to run out of Parent Night and go get her son and take him to the game. I didn't even remember until she called me the next day -- and inquired if everyone was ok. After she asked, I suddenly remembered -- hit me like a TON OF BRICKS!!! --- and my intake of breath was such that I'm sure the furniture moved toward me an inch!!! Feel better now? -Kyla P.S. -- she instantly forgave me. Taught me a lesson about what a gift it is to be forgiving when someone screws up. > > > > > > > > I'm beating myself up. For as much as I want to make my > > > children's > > > > lives different than mine, I feel like I have screwed up. > > > > > > > > I forgot a birthday party for my youngest son that he was > > invited > > > to > > > > today. I am shedding tears,....I hate that I let him down. > > > > > > > > I feel incredibly defective and horribly inept. > > > > > > > > I just don't have the words. > > > > > > > > Help? > > > > Mercy > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 20, 2008 Report Share Posted October 20, 2008 Kyla,... You always make me feel better! ; ) Forgiveness is so much easier for me to grant than to accept. Probably because it was never dished out to me as a child. I just have a hard time feeling like I deserve it. I'm working on that too!! Hugs, Mercy > Feel better now? > > > > -Kyla > > P.S. -- she instantly forgave me. Taught me a lesson about what a > gift it is to be forgiving when someone screws up. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.