Update: Re: Someone help me please....so confused and upset.

[Guest guest]

Sara --- Try not to focus on the negative or what you think she might

be holding back. Give yourself a few days to see how you feel about

the situation. The fact that you had a panic attack could be for many

reasons some of which could be from the email, from nada, or it could

not be related at all to either. My point being, you need to be in a

calm detached place before you can really know what and how you feel.

Keep in mind that when you are in a panic state, you are not thinking

rationally. When I catch myself starting to panic and thinking all

sorts of things I start out by reminding myself that I could be WRONG

about all of the negative things I am thinking and the conclusions

that I am jumping to. Then I focus specifically on what I am thinking

that is negative and make a point to repeat them in a positive way. I

have noticed that I can sort of reduce the all out panic by doing

this. And I also deeply breathe to force myself to calm down. From

the description of the situation that you have given it appears that

the email and conversation went really well. Don't jump immediately

into thinking that your sister is holding back. She may be but she

also may not be. Only time will tell. As ko's we are so used to

trying to glean every scrap of evidence in a situation to protect

ourselves from future attack. We did that then because we needed to,

but now as adults we don't need to do that, because we already have

much more life experience in those areas than most people. The rug

will never be pulled out like it was as kids because you already

expect that there is more than meets the eye. I think that one of the

reasons a lot of us suffer from anxiety and/or PTSD is because when we

were children we were not able to emotionally handle a person with

BPD. As children we were forced to deal with the BPD and whatever

they wanted. Now as adults when we are faced with conflict it brings

out the terror and helplessness that we felt as children resulting in

anxiety issues. The difference between then and now is that as an

adult you choose WHEN and IF you want to confront a conflict. You

don't have to respond to anything until YOU are ready to. As

children, we didn't have that choice and we learned quickly that no

matter what you did, it was wrong anyways. That drives a lot of how

we react to things as adults. Sometimes it is better to let things

go, sometimes it is better to let things settle down before

responding, and sometimes it is better to confront things head on. We

as children didn't get the chance to practice these lessons so as

adults we can feel emotionally stunted in dealing with conflict which

could be why you feel such panic at certain situations. You may even

be able to handle conflict perfectly healthy in other areas of your

life but not with certain people or situations. Think about what has

happened when you have had panic attacks -- what happened before and

after -- what thoughts were you having, etc., you might be able to get

to the reason behind the anxiety and then be able to control it

better. Hope that helps

> > > > >

> > > > > My sister wrote me this email last night, and I don't know

> > what

> > > to

> > > > > think of it.

> > > > > I feel like now, even though my sister loves me and we are

> > > > friends,

> > > > > that NADA has gotten to her and now I'm the bad guy in my

> > > sisters

> > > > > eyes. PLEASE HELP ME. How should I respond? I am so

> depressed

> > > > right

> > > > > now.

> > > > >

> > > > > Hey sis, How's things? I can't remember if this was your

> > > vacation

> > > > > week or not, but if it is, hope you're relaxing and taking

> it

> > > in.

> > > > I

> > > > > know you've been through a lot lately, and I'm sure it's

> been

> > > > > wearing you out in more ways than one. I hope you know I am

> > here

> > > > for

> > > > > you whenever you need me. I was so relieved when you got

> your

> > > > > results back, I knew you'd be fine, but the confirmation was

> > > great.

> > > > > (just a note here, I had a cancer scare recently, but the

> > tests

> > > > all

> > > > > came up negative, this is what she is referring to)

> > > > >

> > > > > I've been worrying a lot lately about mom. I talked to Uncle

> D

> > > > last

> > > > > week and he informed me that she was recently told by her

> > > > > hepatologist that she is reaching her final stages of

> > cirrhosis

> > > > and

> > > > > that a transplant would be necessary sometime in the near

> > > future.

> > > > As

> > > > > far as we all know, Aunt A is the only blood match for mom

> > (A+)

> > > > but

> > > > > mom is completely opposed to involving her in a

> > transplant.. .for

> > > > > now. She told me when push comes to shove, if it was the

> only

> > > > > option, then she would not have a choice. I'm not quite sure

> > of

> > > > her

> > > > > status on the transplant list, however I do know that she is

> > an

> > > > > excellant candidate for a transplant. She is relatively

> young,

> > > > > doesn't (and hasn't) have a drinking problem, and other than

> > her

> > > > > liver, she is considered healthy, according to the doctor.

> > These

> > > > are

> > > > > the main things they look for when considering numbers on

> the

> > > > list,

> > > > > as it isn't on a first come first serve basis. She is in the

> > > > process

> > > > > to see where she is at in terms of a transplant as of now

> > > > > (ultrasounds and obtaining her biopsy) These are things the

> > > doctor

> > > > > will consider before acknowledging how urgent her needs of a

> > > > > transplant are at this moment. I am trying to see my blood

> > type

> > > as

> > > > > well, from the lab work I had done a few weeks ago, I would

> > have

> > > > to

> > > > > place an order for it to be analyzed, but I'm not sure my

> > > > insurance

> > > > > covers that or not...the nurse said she would get back with

> me

> > > to

> > > > > tell me whether my blood type was assesed in the thyroid

> test.

> > I

> > > > > told mom about your problems and false alarm, I hope you

> don't

> > > > mind

> > > > > or get mad at me, but she was really worried about you, as I

> > > knew

> > > > > she would be. She cried when I told her you were okay, she

> was

> > > so

> > > > > relieved. I know that you have your own life now, and I hope

> > > > writing

> > > > > this email doesn't upset you the least bit. It breaks my

> heart

> > > > when

> > > > > I talk to mom on the phone and she cries to me about how she

> > > > misses

> > > > > her girls so much and she wishes every day to see them.

> She's

> > > > > changed, Sara. When I talk to her, she sounds so heartfelt,

> so

> > > > soft.

> > > > > She no longer holds that abbrasive, sketchy tone in her

> voice.

> > > She

> > > > > asks about you everyday when I speak to her, hesistant to

> > upset

> > > > me,

> > > > > but these days, I want her to know everything. The reason

> that

> > > you

> > > > > got an email from uncle danny/aunt amy's address as a reply

> to

> > > one

> > > > > that you wrote to her was becasue when she read it, it

> seemed

> > > like

> > > > > she was reading an email from an old friend..or an

> > aquaintance.

> > > > You

> > > > > didn't even address her as " mom " or Love, Sara. " It sounded

> so

> > > > > generic and unthoughtful, despite your attempt. I'm your

> > > > sister..you

> > > > > don't need to reimburse me for a pizza I bring over...I

> think

> > of

> > > > > that all the time, how distant I felt from you that day. I

> > know

> > > > you

> > > > > didn't mean anything by it, but I felt so weird about it. I

> > feel

> > > > > angry sometimes when you tell me of your contact with Doug's

> > > > > family...I guess I feel sad that you don't even contact your

> > own

> > > > > family the way you do them...despite the situation. I regret

> > > ever

> > > > > contacting our father..he's a worthless piece of shit...I

> know

> > > his

> > > > > sister's have no control over that, but I have no desire to

> > keep

> > > > in

> > > > > any contact with them..they didn't raise us or even try to

> be

> > > > apart

> > > > > of our lives...ever. They're fake and worthless.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm sorry for this email .. I've just been so upset lately

> and

> > > so

> > > > > sorry for alot of things. I've just accumulated so many

> > thoughts

> > > > > that I've kept in for a while..I hope you understand why. I

> > love

> > > > you

> > > > > so much and I hope you're truely happy with every aspect in

> > your

> > > > > life. You been through alot to get where you are, and I

> admire

> > > > that.

> > > > > I always will.

> > > > >

> > > > > Love,

> > > > > your favorite little sister.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I need to say that the email my sister was referring to was

> > one

> > > > that

> > > > > I wrote to my mom last month. I made a post about it on

> here.

> > > This

> > > > > is what it said:

> > > > > Hi mom,

> > > > >

> > > > > It's been a couple months since you moved away, and I was

> just

> > > > > wondering how you are doing down in SC.Do you like your new

> > > place?

> > > > > I was watching the news the night before last, and saw

> > something

> > > > > about hurricane Hannah. Were you affected? I hope you and

> the

> > > > family

> > > > > are ok. Hopefully the hurricane season will be over soon.

> > > > > Things are good up here. I've been busy with work (we just

> > > started

> > > > a

> > > > > new quarter of school) and I've been busy trying to decorate

> > my

> > > > > house. I've never been one for decorating, so it's a

> challenge

> > > for

> > > > > me. But I like it. I've realized I'm pretty good at

> painting,

> > > and

> > > > I

> > > > > enjoy it.

> > > > > Well, I just wanted to drop a line. I hope you are doing

> well.

> > > > Write

> > > > > back soon if you can.

> > > > > Love,

> > > > > Sara Jo

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > I copied and pasted that directly from my " sent folder " in

> my

> > > > email.

> > > > > I did address her as " mom " and I did write " love, Sara " at

> the

> > > > end.

> > > > > Why would my sister say that I didn't do those things?

> > > > >

> > > > > My sister doesn't seem to understand that I have some issues

> > > with

> > > > > mom and that although I know not every parent is perfect,

> > there

> > > > are

> > > > > things my mother did that have left permanent scars on my

> > soul.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am really hurting here. What would you all do? I don't

> want

> > my

> > > > > sister to not like me anymore. We spent so much of our

> > childhood

> > > > > bickering and fighting. Please help.

> > > > > ~Sara Jo

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >