Trying to climb out of a wreck

[Guest guest]

Hi. I have been on this site for approx 2 years, mostly gleaning

incredibly liberating info. My mother passed away 4 months ago (2

weeks before the birth of our 3rd child). She was diagnosed with BPD

via my therapist. My husband and myself looked after her, he has often

said it was better she was with us so she could not cause any more

drama. It felt endless, the drama with the family, and nada. So we sit

in the aftermath, and feel wrecked. My father did not even send

condolences, nor does he speak to me, but has been very much involved

in the backstage trying to orchestrate my/our life. All the siblings

'report' to him, he is like the mafia kingpin of the family (nada and

him divorced when I was 6). The whole thing became so twisted and

distorted.

My brother is frighteningly displaying more and more bpd tendancies

himself, and I now realise just how much he played a part in

contributing to the madness. We are at the point of going nc with him,

which is a biggie for me.

Both my brother and father made it there job to " look " after her

affairs, and to take out my husband, whom they feel is the cause of

all the chaos! I can list opportunities that have been turned over by

them for us. My husband went to welfare a while ago, and the support

and insight was incredible. They told him to take restraining orders

on the whole bunch and brought to light how they have undermined his

position in our home, and as a father.

We never did, feeling it is quite a step to take esp with family.

He is so extremely angered by the whole thing, I am concerned about

his health. We both know if we had to take this to court, brother and

father would be held responsible for some serious interference.

We are just exhausted. 5 years ago I suffered a breakdown as a result

of family involvement and meddling in our lives (justified by my

looking after nada). This resulted in them backing off a whole lot.

There is still the desire in me to be able to put it in a nutshell so

they will 'see the light' but bpd is not a reality to them, and after

years of writing (a book) to them, I realise I will never have the

relationship with my father my siblings have. The damage is done. He

believes the outrageous damaging lies. The overall result of all this

drama, is we feel we are just beginning our lives now, and some things

are just too late. Some things will frustratingly remain trashed and

lost forever. I know that all we can do is try and regain our joy and

that is not by trying to sort out this mess, but to walk away from it,

as now she is gone, we are released. As a result of my families goings

on, we felt she was also a 'victim' in the end to the narcissism and

judgments from both my brother and father.

I know that we have a lot, 3 beautiful children and each other still,

and that is all that counts. But the damage is deep, and our

relationship has suffered, as well as my husbands career. Resentment

is great. His resentment towards me for not putting a stop to this

madness years ago, not going to the law when they acted illegally. Not

being able to put my foot down. Stripped of our self respect. Not to

mention the 'fleas' inherited which are scary and depressing. If it

was not for this site, I think we would have gone mad by now. I guess

the hard thing is that there is nothing we can do to straighten things

out. That this is life, a knock is a knock from wherever it comes, and

all we can do is try and carry on. There is no pause button.