also needing reality check

[Guest guest]

Hi WTO,

I'm writing to kindof verify my reality a bit. I am dealing with a lot of

anxiety today, and

I'm hoping posting will help center me.

I've been very LC for a couple of months now. I send regular emails, and

respond to

emails when I can, but I don't talk on the phone at all. It is working for me

very well--

except I am having a lot of trouble breaking free psychologically, without being

able to

actually confront nada. I know that it would be useless. Yet, I am having a

hard time

feeling safe. I think that once I am able to move to a different state than

nada I will feel a

lot safer--but that's not an option for at least three months; and that puts me

in the same

state as nada/npd dad for the entire holiday season. I've done a few pillow

talks (where

the pillow is nada, and I confront it), and I have a great phone therapist...but

at times, it's

not enough. For the past two months I've had nightmares about nada trying to

confront

me, usually in front of the whole extended family, and almost every night. I am

still

finding that I accept a lot of her projections and forced interpretations of me.

The past few days this fear has been exascerbated; I received a greeting from a

(non-

abusive) family member a few days ago. Just a nice and sincerely caring

message. And I

wrote back just now, very carefully. But it still makes me feel vulnerable to

nada. I am still

solidifying my own self, and I am not yet ready to be back in front of nada's

family. Yet I

do love the non-abusive ones, and don't want to cut off contact with them.

Anyway--being removed from it, truly removed, these past few months has been

very

helpful for my point of view. The real extent of the abuse, and the reality of

it, is

beginning to enter my consciousness. But today--with the email perhaps? I've

somewhat

fallen from that place. So in my journal, I prepared a point by point summary of

the abuse

that nada inflicted, her methods, and her goals. The goals I found especially

enlightening

so I thought I'd share them with you guys:

**Denying and projecting all of her own fears, negative qualities, insecurities

and harmful

actions onto me. The child is the sponge. In my case it was things like her

childish and

ridiculous behaviours (therefore, I was ridiculed), her insecurity about her

body (therefore,

I was 'fat'), her own selfishness and violent instincts (therefore, I was 'mean

and hateful').

**Painting herself as attractive, good, desirable, spiritually and morally

superior, and--

she's got lots of narcissism in her--rich, with 'exquisite taste'. In order to

do this she was

unable to reach within herself, she had to do it by harming others, by comparing

herself

with others or destroying them--especially me.

**Overcoming by any means necessary any perceived threats of abandonment,

rejection,

or being outshined.

**Overcoming by any means necessary any threat of having to face who she

actually was

and what she was actually doing to her children.

**Overcoming any threat to her belief in being a 'good' and 'loving'

mother--this meant

when the child had needs she was unable to meet, those needs had to be destroyed

and

denied. Borderlines don't have the ability to teach their children to regulate

and manage

their emotions; so instead they either seek to use those emotions to fill them

up/worship

them, or, if they can't, they seek to violently annihilate those emotions.

Borderlines don't

have the ability to provide for a child's legitimate needs for good nutritious

food and

stable surroundings, so when those needs are expressed they are violently

quashed--

again, unless they can somehow be turned into a nada worship =tool (hi, split

whites!

glad I'm not you...)

Some of the tactics used to meet these ends against me in particular were

dismissal or

mocking of emotions, retaliation (luxury gifts for siblings, which I was told I

didn't deserve

because I had 'abandoned' nada); dismissal or abuse of physical needs (the woman

could

not keep regular supplies of milk, soap and toilet paper in the house to save

her life);

gaslighting and denial of abuse when called on it; complete withholding of all

approval,

except for that terrible over the top worshipping at public events; public

ridicule,

especially regarding the projected issues nada was most insecure about her own

self;

blaming me for anything bad I felt, she felt, or the weather did..., direct

insults when she

got desperate (always denied by I didn't meant *that*), constant, panicked

attempts to

make me terrified of going in public alone because SHE was; denigration,

dismissal and

outright sabotage of my academic and career goals...that's just a few. There

are dozens

more.

I just wanted to list out an objective summary, in hopes of feeling more in my

gut that it is

true, and that I am justified in limiting contact until I can better deal with

the situation.

Thanks so much to all of you for being out there. If anyone has alternative

opinions about

the main goals I listed, I'm interested to hear...I'm pretty proud of coming up

with them,

actually, they were quite a breakthrough--and I am again amazed how much nadas

are

like narcissists, and can also show psychopathic qualities as well.

Cheers,

Charlie