New from NZ

[Guest guest]

Hi...I have been reading posts on this site for a while now and have

only just plucked up the courge to write something, but I'm having a

pretty bad time of it at the moment. I got the book SWOE a number of

months ago and just couldn't put it down, it was like somebody

understood what I was going through and I wanted them with me. My

NADA I now realise has BPD, she has never been officially diagnosed

but I'm sure she has. She is 76 and has tried to control us for as

long as I can remember with her verbal abuse. We could never make her

happy and have spent a lifetime trying. She has had a very hard life

and I feel for her but I just can't take it anymore. I moved to NZ 18

years ago to get away from her but as they got older and didn't

really have anyone to care for them I thought it would be a good idea

for them to come and live in NZ. I had been away for 14 years and had

forgotten how bad she was. Four years ago they, my mother and father

came to live here. We built a granny flat for them on our property,

what a mistake that was. My NADA couldn't cope with the fact that I

had my own life. She wanted me to herself, I've lost friends, my

daughter moved out and nearly wrecked my marrige. She condemed me for

eveything I did. The way I had brought up my children. I always said

i would never subject my childred to what I had experienced and here

I was doing it, it made me very sad. Anyway a couple of years ago

after lots of arguments my husband put his foot down and said they

had to move out. They had paid towards the building of the granny

flat but we had to give them back that and more so they could buy

there own place. We had to sell our home we just couldn't live there

anymore with all the sadness hanging over us and the comments that

would come from her every time she visits. It was the best thing we

did at least we have our own santuary. I ring them everyday,

Wednesdays is my day off work but this is spent with my NADA trying

to keep her spirits. She constantly puts my father down to me and in

front of him but if its his turn she leaving me alone! he hasn't

always but very nice to her and did physically abuse her for many

years and I think he stays with her now out of guilt, although he is

82 so a bit late in life to change anything. Its my turn at the

moment. When they first came here we tried to include with things we

did including our camping holidays. We tried for 3 years but

everytime there ended being an argument because someone upset my NADA

it was never her fault always someone elses. This year we have

decided that she wont be coming. I tried to tell her but as you can

imagine it wasn't taken very well. Unfortunatley she asked if she

could come and I said no. Whenever anyone says no to her its a

trigger and starts her off. So now I'm the worst daughter in the

world, she has said such hurtful thngs. My father has been sick and

she said she came here so I could take the burden of my father off of

her but that I'm selfish and don't do anything for them. Today she

said if my father dies I'll have it on my conscience they I've done

nothing for him. I know she isn't right and I know what i've done.

I've tried telling myself she's sick and doesn't really mean it but

its just so hard sometimes. I'm trying to set boundries but I'm the

only one they have here. They are Jahovhas witnesses and they have

been wonderful to them. I rang one of them today to tell she won't

see me at the moment so someone knows but then i felt guilty because

we grew up with her telling us not to tell anyone what went on at

home. I feel exhausted she started on me today eveything is my fault,

I brought them here and have made there life a misery. I've tried so

hard and can't do it anymore. I told them today I love them but

wouldn't stay there and listern to her abuse. I want to keep away but

its so hard. Most of the posts I've read you seem to be NC but I

don't know if I can do that. Is there anyone out there who manages to

not go NC and still cope. Sorry this is so long I feel like I could

go on forever. I'm sad, exhausted and just don't know what to do.

Diane