bp mother np father?

[Guest guest]

i am not the usual to post but i have no support from anyone so I

guess I am looking for support in all of this. It is a little long,

I have a good therapist, good doctors all of that.

As a child all children in this family were expected to be perfect.

If we messed up its our fault, and we need to punished and do

better.

My father would always say, " 95% on the test? Why not 100? " I guess

to motivate us. He is very successful, but very unhappy now. He has

accomplished incredible things against incredible odds attributing it

all to hard work. The message is and in a way a good message, " If

you work hard, and that is all it really is anyway, you can do

whatever you want. " '

There was some physical abuse and i am sure verbal in childhood. We

all had very very high expectations to succeed. It started to wear

on me i guess. I had attention problems, and although I was

succeeding acadmemically I had a lot of help from my dad who would

scream and critisize me if i did not understand what he was saying.

I could not concentrate in class so i just read the textbooks.

Teachers would say i was smart and i won writing awards, sang in the

top choir made friends. I made straight A's, acted in plays, i was an

awesome runner, very creative, ambitious. I always felt lonely

though. I preferred to be alone to anything. I wanted to be close

to my mom like my best friend, but if she knew i had anything wrong i

knew what to expect. I was the star.

I was on the quest of perfection. I devloped anorexia, very low self

esteem, depression and lost every friend at age 14. I went from a

top student in a very highly competitive school to nothing and

failing classes.

I was sent to a psychiatrist who blamed my parents. My parents felt

they were perfect and it was me, who had alwayw had mental illness

and I needed help. I went from star and the person my little brother

and sister respected and admired to scapegoat of everything.

I acted out, my parents acted out. It was complete verbal,

psychological, mental, neglect, physical abuse. We tried family

therapy to see if they could change what they were doing. It was all

on me.

So since then I graduated from a very good college somehow, and had a

lot of success. I am the scapegoat who can not take care of herself,

expected to be perfect although there is so much wrong with me.

My father has affairs, he does not wear his wedding ring and pretty

much not contact with his children. My mom stays and one minute says

she will leave, next wont. One minute my father is the devil, next

angel. She micromanges me and my father.My father stays becasue he

does not want to lose money. He told me yesterday he does not even

care about me and that my mom has so much patience that she can

actually put up with me. He is ruthless he says and does not give a

crap about me. That is also my fault. She has to care for me. She

has no close relationships except me and is very unhappy. Alwahys

negative and blaming everyone. Raging one minute, next minute

complimenting, very manipulative and almost narcissitic needs. She

lies all the time as does my dad. They are perfect by everyone and

its all my fault according to everyone. They critisize me constantly

to the pt where i realized i have no home to go to.

I have no one, I have no home to find or to look for but myself. If

i reveal any problem I know what to expect. Its perfection or

nothing but Hell from them. My sister and brother have chosen to be

very secretive and are not close to them.

I was advised put distance between you and your mom. My mom has

agreed to go to my therapist to fufill her lifelong quest she has

given her life to for me, this ungrateful child who never does

right. To help me.

I am a fighter though. My parents tell me that I cant work even at

a department store although in my first year as a teacher i got 7

kids to regular ed. more than anyone. Everything is a dream with

me. I need them. I just not right or okay.