toxic shame and other concepts

[Guest guest]

I saw parts of Bradshaw's lectures about " toxic shame " when they

were broadcast on PBS many years ago and I was riveted by his ideas

and theories. While looking up " toxic shame " recently, I came across

this snippet of information by another author about *how* we are

damaged as children by our mentally ill parents:

ABANDONMENT: THE LEGACY OF BROKEN MUTUALITY

" Shame is internalized when one is abandoned. " Abandonment " is the

precise term to describe how one loses one's authentic self and ceases

to exist psychologically. Children cannot know who they are without

reflective mirrors. Mirroring is done by one's primary caretakers and

is crucial in the first years of life. Abandonment includes the loss

of mirroring. Parent who are shut down emotionally cannot mirror and

affirm their child's emotions.

Since the earliest period of our life was pre-verbal, everything

depended on emotional interaction. Without someone to reflect our

emotions, we had no way of knowing who we were. Mirroring remains

important all our lives. Think of the frustrating experience which

most of us have had, of talking to someone who is not looking at us.

While you are speaking, they are fidgeting around or reading

something. Our identity demands a significant other whose eyes see us

pretty much as we see ourselves.

In fact, son defines identity as interpersonal. He writes:

'The sense of ego identity is the accrued confidence that the inner

sameness and continuity...are matched by the sameness and continuity

of one's meaning for others.'

From -- " Childhood and Society "

Besides lack of mirroring, abandonment includes the following:

* Neglect of developmental dependency needs

* Abuse of any kind

* Enmeshment into the covert or overt needs of the parents or

* the family system needs "

Ebooks by A.J. Mahari on various aspects of

" Borderline Personality Disorder and Shame "

*******

So, our whole lives, we have not had access to our authentic, original

selves. Our mentally ill, bpd moms / bpd dads warped and disorted our

core identities so that whoever/whatever we started out as ceased to

exist.

I wonder how I would have turned out if I had been raised by someone

who wasn't/isn't mentally ill?

-Annie