Nada BPD discovery aftermath: seperation from my husband?

[Guest guest]

Sorry guys I'm writing a long post again. I feel so bad for being

such a drama queen. And I bet I'm acting just like my nada, but I

can't help it - I moved out of our apartment, so I'm seperated from

my husband now. All my friends seemed very concerned. But the strange

thing is, I cannot feel a thing, well other than ashamed of being

such a drama queen. Should I be concerned?

The trigger of this seperation was our 2nd anniversary. He told me

the night before that he didn't plan anything, as if he had decided

not to celebrate. I was not expecting a celebration, since he's not

the romantic kind, and we are busy this week. Yet gradually, sadness

and anger settled in that we've been married for 2 years but I feel

almost afraid of celebrating as if it'll jinx our marriage away.

2 years ago, we eloped. Today, none of his friends or family members

know of our marriage yet. I blame myself for rushing into the

marriage. And I know I have lots of issues. I've been in therapies

for years just to learn to handle intimate relationships. Growing up

with nada, I don't even know how to love or to be loved. Yet I wanted

very badly to have a family with my husband... To compensate for the

one I don't have? I don't know. I know he only reluctantly married

me, so I did everything I could to make up to him. Yet, he becomes

more and more unhappy with his life. Recently, he told me if we had

not eloped, he probably would not have married me yet nor in the next

few years. I love him very much and secretly admire his happy, loving

family. I am more than grateful that he's with me at all, and tried

very hard to become good enough so he'll recognize me in front of his

friends and family. Yet, I'm not even close to making him happy or

fully accepting me as his wife.

After discovering nada's BPD, I've been walking on the edge of

emotional breakdown. Husband becomes very frustrated. I know he wants

me to be happy, but I just don't have the strength. I know I'm

drifting further and further away from that good-wife standard. Had

many talks with him, but not much was communicated, other than the

suble hint that we are both giving up.

So on our 2nd anniversary, I took off almost rebelliously. I'm tired

of so desperately to please nada, fada, or my husband, yet I know I

would never be good enough. Am I throwing away the only good thing in

my life? Am I holding on to an unrealistic standard for love and

marriage? Or do I deserve better than being a secret wife he doesn't

want?