Working on finding normal

[Guest guest]

I've decided to go NC with my nada and even though it's such a painful

decision, I know it's the absolute right thing to do. Unlike many

here, I didn't have a bad childhood. Nada has always been slightly

bpd, but the severe symptoms didn't start up until after I got married

which was over 11 years ago. Since I've had kids (oldest is 6) things

became just horrible.

I didn't realize the toll it has taken on me to hear repeatedly that I

" don't know the give and take of a relationship " or " don't know how to

converse properly " or " speak to my children in the wrong tone of

voice " and on and on. I have no confidence in myself at all. What is

normal? What is the right way to act? This is infuriating! I went

to college very confident and somehow she has done all of this to me

while I was a married adult and 99% of it has been through phone

conversations. I am now 35 years old and have functioned quite well

in the world succeeding at many different jobs (including a nine year

stint as an orchestral personnel manager) and relationships. I have

to go beyond the things she has been saying to me and my consuming

fear of being and acting like her. I hate nothing more than for

someone at my son's soccer games to talk to me. I am petrified of

saying something bizarre or out of place or not conversing correctly.

You get the picture. I am forever asking my husband if I acted

" normal " . Poor guy, he married someone very confident and ready to

take on the world and now this is what I'm like. I know I can get

over it.

Nada always does things like stay up all night cleaning the house if

company is coming. I don't do that. I make the house presentable and

if there is a bit of dust somewhere, life will go on. At the same

time, I fight the feeling that I didn't work hard enough. I am

ashamed if anyone comes to our decently clean house.

Somewhere along the line, nada became the advice giver to the world.

I think counseling and self help books were the worst things that

could have happened to her. I had no idea what was happening to me as

she tried to " help " me over the years.

This can all be overcome right?

le

[Guest guest]

It CAN be overcome... and you're on the road there.

My therapist and I had a discussion about this last week... how

do " I " get validation since I don't know how to ask for it? While

most people would ask their friends/SO/husband/Mother/Father for

input or 'perspective' on " stuff " ... I don't. I just " can't " . Don't

know how to... afraid of the answers... 7 year old scared.

So... what I've, inadvertantly, been doing for the last couple of

years to " make sure " is (please don't laugh) Googling myself. The

more I move 'up and out' in my research/etc., the more pages pop up.

I'm (according to my therapist) getting the perspective I need from

an impartial third source that has NO fear of emotional slam to my

soul. Sounds really stupid to say this in writing but Therapist is

impressed with my coping abilities and my desire to keep on track

while protecting my being.

My SO and friends realize how fragile I am in this area, too. I've

asked them NOT to be my patronizing cheerleaders but to feel free to

mention if I'm so far off track and I've lost my perspective. As a

group, they've only done that once in 7 years... the other times I've

caught myself.

My Nada did the house clean thing too... in addition to buying new

clothes (most never worn) or 'whatever'. She'd always say, " I'm so

embarassed of this house I can't have anyone over " . We moved

constantly. She cleaned constantly. Wacked.

You'll find your footing in what you need to do and who you need to

be. I think the common thread in most of the posters here is the

over-accomplishment core. We're all disproportionately educated to

the n.th degree. We all hold positions of power. We are all

respected in our circles. We are all defined by our truths and

accomplishments. Yet... deep in our souls... in the middle of the

night... we feel like frauds. That little voice whispers

menacingly, " If THEY only " knew " .... " .

When those whispers start, find your external reminders. They are

there. Read your resume. Google yourself. Find a mirror to your

energies and there you will find a mirror to your true being.

Peace.

Lynnette

>

> I've decided to go NC with my nada and even though it's such a

painful

> decision, I know it's the absolute right thing to do. Unlike many

> here, I didn't have a bad childhood. Nada has always been slightly

> bpd, but the severe symptoms didn't start up until after I got

married

> which was over 11 years ago. Since I've had kids (oldest is 6)

things

> became just horrible.

>

> I didn't realize the toll it has taken on me to hear repeatedly

that I

> " don't know the give and take of a relationship " or " don't know how

to

> converse properly " or " speak to my children in the wrong tone of

> voice " and on and on. I have no confidence in myself at all. What

is

> normal? What is the right way to act? This is infuriating! I went

> to college very confident and somehow she has done all of this to me

> while I was a married adult and 99% of it has been through phone

> conversations. I am now 35 years old and have functioned quite well

> in the world succeeding at many different jobs (including a nine

year

> stint as an orchestral personnel manager) and relationships. I have

> to go beyond the things she has been saying to me and my consuming

> fear of being and acting like her. I hate nothing more than for

> someone at my son's soccer games to talk to me. I am petrified of

> saying something bizarre or out of place or not conversing

correctly.

> You get the picture. I am forever asking my husband if I acted

> " normal " . Poor guy, he married someone very confident and ready to

> take on the world and now this is what I'm like. I know I can get

> over it.

>

> Nada always does things like stay up all night cleaning the house if

> company is coming. I don't do that. I make the house presentable

and

> if there is a bit of dust somewhere, life will go on. At the same

> time, I fight the feeling that I didn't work hard enough. I am

> ashamed if anyone comes to our decently clean house.

>

> Somewhere along the line, nada became the advice giver to the

world.

> I think counseling and self help books were the worst things that

> could have happened to her. I had no idea what was happening to me

as

> she tried to " help " me over the years.

>

> This can all be overcome right?

>

> le

>