Waving apathetically (pathetically?) from ROCK BOTTOM!

[Guest guest]

The view here sucks!

Everything came crashing in on me. All of it. I went into

therapists Wed and was so 'gone' she did the " Are you going to kill

yourself " talk. I won't. But I'm done with caring.

This wasn't triggered by any one particular incident. It's just the

non-stop reality of the ongoing mess. I've lost all care and joy for

ANYTHING. Even the good things. Don't care. Don't care. Don't

care. Don't care. Don't care. Guess this is the " depression stage "

of the stages of grieving for the mother I didn't have and the one

I'm never going to have. I " get " it on a cognitive level. It's my

heart that's having a hard time catching up.

Therapist was pretty insistant that I " share " with SO and those

closest to me. I said, " Why would I do that. If 'they' knew...

they'd run. No one sticks around when *I* hurt. History has proven

that " . Well, ok... I guess I'm really in pain.

So against my better judgement I did what she suggested. SO was

good. Friends are good. Family (that I'm talking to) are being

fine. So why do I still feel alone in the dark of this? I'm

fighting my tendancy to isolate myself when I ache. I'm having a

couple of close friends over for a BBQ later today... they know

what's going on. I need to remember that I'm cared for.

It's a beautiful day outside... but I'm dark and overcast on the

inside.

Anyone?

Lynnette