They really got a hold on me

[Guest guest]

Hey Everyone,

I have been struggling once again, and have been struggling not to write to you

guys cause i feel like I lean on you guys too much, and don't want to burden you

all when you all have the same issues, if not worse, then I do. But i cannot

handle this right now, and it is frustrating me. I thought I could try to be

" strong " and not let this get to me anymore. Be bigger then my parents, and

when they say hurtful things, I can just brush it off. Well, it hasnt even

taken them saying or doing anything, and I am scared sh*tless.

Two weeks ago my mom called and left me a message, just saying hi, and that she

was just calling to talk and if i wanted i could call her back and that she

missed me. Well, I waited a few days to call her back, but I did. I decided i

would reattempt a relationship with them. The conversation was actually very

pleasant (however, my dad answered the phone when i called, and acted like he

didnt know who it was, so i didnt play into his game and just asked for my mom).

We talked for only 10 minutes, which is very short for my mom's standards.

Towards the end of the conversation, she said that while she had me on the

phone, she wanted to invite me to Thanksgiving dinner, that she was hosting it

this year. I told her that I wasnt sure what our plans were yet this year, and

I would have to get back to her. She said that she realized that i was probably

right, and that we should be taking it slower reestablishing our relationship,

and start out just

seeing eachother at family get togethers for now (which i told them i wanted a

long time ago).

Well, I do not know what to do. I feel like i should be getting back to her

shortly, and I think we should go, but I am scared, for many reasons. 1: many

times before we have gone over to there house for " family gatherings " on

holidays, and it ends up being just us and them, and I am scared that the same

is going to happen. Yes i could ask my aunts and uncles if they are going, but

i feel like that is childish to do. 2: I feel if i say no, or can only stay for

a certain amount of time, it will re-anger them ( I know that i shouldnt worry

about this, but I do not want to be the cause of our efforts to reestablish our

relationship failing). 3: My wife does not want to go. she is still supporting

me and saying basically we can go, but that we need to have some clear rules and

plans for how it is going to go. I agree with this, but part of me too just

wants to go into it, and whatever happens happens. 4: My family is pushing me

to go, and if i do not

go, i will then look in everyone's eyes that i am causing this and not trying

to make things better. 5: I am just plane old scared. I dont know why. I

should be happy to try and get my parents back in my life, and all i am

experiencing is extreme anxiety.

Like I said, I think I do feel like I should go, and at least make an attempt at

it. But i just dont know how to do this. My wife said one of the things she

doesnt want to do, is get there too early, cause she doesnt want to have to be

stuck in the kitchen with my mom helping. Part of me thinks, why can she not do

this for me, try and just " fake it " for my parents, so they can think everything

is ok, but then part of me thinks too, that they have really hurt us and why

should i expect this of her. I feel if she does not do this, then my family

will gossip to everyone else about how unhelpful my wife was, and paint her to

look worse then they already have. I also dont know how i would find out when

she is serving dinner, and what excuse i would to why we cannot make it till

then. we have no other plans that day, and feel that any excuse i make will be

seen through for what it really is, an excuse.

Anyways, as you can tell my brain is being pulled in many directions, and I am

stuck in limbo not knowing what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. As

Maddow says, please " talk me down " !!