Guest guest Posted November 15, 2001 Report Share Posted November 15, 2001 -- I'm in somewhat of the same situation as you, not quite as extreme, but still, my boyfriend and I are not " dealing " very well. I went to a NVA meeting the other day and was encouraged to seek out sex therapy, especially with a therapist who has experience in these issues. I was also told to look for a book called something like " Living with Sexual Pain " (not exact title? I'm going to check on Amazon.) The woman who told me all this stuff said she'd been having amazing results with the therapy, though it didn't make things automatically easier, far from it, they were really dealing with difficult stuff. Still, dealing with difficult stuff is far better than stagnating in frustration!!!!!!! I'm about to post to ask anyone if they know of a good sex therapist in my area. Good luck to you! If he's saying you're the best thing that ever happened to him, then there's a lot of hope to be found in the situation. But he needs to deal with the full reality of the situation a little better, and you need to figure out how to get pleasure in being sexual, inasmuch as you're able, again. That's what I hope a sex therapist can help me with, in any case... best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2001 Report Share Posted November 15, 2001 Hi there, I'm probably new since you last posted. Ive been hear since about March. But I can definatly sympathise with some of what you are dealing with. My husband and I havent had sex in almost a year, sometimes the pressure is high, sometimes he doesnt even want to be near me, fortunatly he is verry supportive about this so far. Have you ever considered going to counceling with him? There may be a sexual thearipist in your area that can help you deal with some of the resulting marital issues and help you both find ways to have pressure free intamacy intercourse. It would probably help to find one that is familiar with vulvodynia and vulvar vestibulitis, but if a doctor who is educated on the issue is not available maby finding one who is open minded and then bringing in materials that tell about the disorder may be helpful. Just a thought Also, you may want to think about how you feel about him now. Is he worth it? Is he just plain abuseive about the whole situation? You may find that you no longer want to fix the problem and maby he feels the same. You also mentioned that you had religous issues you were dealing with. If you have an understanding pastor, or minister, or priest, you may want to consider going to him or her and talking to them about this. You will be supprised to find how understanding they can be about sexual issues in the marrage. My pastor has been of tremendous support through all of this. I hope you are able to sort through all this, I know you are going through a difficult time. I will keep you in my prayers. Bunny /| |\ . . ( ! ) _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2001 Report Share Posted November 15, 2001 Hi, Well, your hubby sounds like a real jerk, to put my opinions bluntly. If he loves you, he loves you for better, for worse. He obviously doesn't know what marriage is. And his excuse that he's handeling it better than other guys is complete bull shit. My bf has been completely supportive and has NEVER pressured me to do anything sexual. I think you should seriously reconsider your marriage partner. Try not to give up hope. I believe that there is a cure for EVERYTHING. Even if the human race hasn't found the cure, it will come soon. There is always a solution. Love, Ruth > Well, I'm finally posting since I'm at the end of my rope. It's been > so long that I'm sure most of you don't remember me or never met me. > Long story short, I have vestibulitis and have had it since the first > time I tried to use a tampon or had a gyn. exam. I am now 24 and > married and a grad student. My husband and I did not have > intercourse before getting married and so I rather naively thought > that things would be ok, having been reassured by doctors. Well, they > weren't better and in fact attempting to have intercourse was > incredibly painful. We've been married 16 mos. and have not > consummated the marriage. Things might be going better if he were > here to help me figure things out, but he is going to school in > Holland and I am here trying to go to doctors and figure out what's > wrong on my own. > Anyway, I think his expectations for what sex would be like were a > little high even without the problem of the vestibulitis, and as a > result he was very disappointed and angry and has not been able to > hide it from me. He is also having trouble confronting the fact that > it may be some time before we figure out a way to improve things. I > guess he's hoping it will all just go away. I've finally confronted > him about the lack of support I'm receiving and he has admitted his > disappointment and anger, but " is handling it better than most guys > would. " Meanwhile when we are together the pressure for sex or > sexual favors is incredible - and when we're not, the pressure to 'be > fixed.' He is even admitting that he is not sure he could stay with > me forever if this problem continues while at the same time begging > me not to leave because 'I am the best thing that ever happened to > him.' > I feel absolutely sick about this whole situation. I have lost 20% > of my body weight in the last four months and have been diagnosed > with my first major depressive episode. I know in my heart I won't > get over it until my marital situation is resolved one way or the > other. I am so sick of the one-sidedness of the whole thing and know > that it will not change. I have gone from loving intimacy to hating > every minute of it but doing it so that I'll have a respite from his > constant insistence. (Whenever we are together, that is.) But it is > so tempting just to say that well, if I ever want to be married, I > might as well try to make this one work since it's doubtful I could > find a marital partner who would deal better. (there are religious > issues as well). But sometimes, too, I feel like it would be so much > better to be alone. At 24 I don't feel like I have the life > experience to deal with this situation and I feel like nothing will > ever be good again. And now I am under pressure before the holidays > to tell him point blank whether I want this to work or not... and he > is drinking all the time now... and this post is confused and doesn't > make sense and is too long but guess what - that's me right now too. > I don't want things to work but am afraid to tell him, I guess. I am > sorry, really sorry, to dump like this but am in need of all the > support and prayer I can get... thanks > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 15, 2001 Report Share Posted November 15, 2001 -- I'm in somewhat of the same situation as you, not quite as extreme, but still, my boyfriend and I are not " dealing " very well. I went to a NVA meeting the other day and was encouraged to seek out sex therapy, especially with a therapist who has experience in these issues. I was also told to look for a book called something like " Living with Sexual Pain " (not exact title? I'm going to check on Amazon.) The woman who told me all this stuff said she'd been having amazing results with the therapy, though it didn't make things automatically easier, far from it, they were really dealing with difficult stuff. Still, dealing with difficult stuff is far better than stagnating in frustration!!!!!!! I'm about to post to ask anyone if they know of a good sex therapist in my area. Good luck to you! If he's saying you're the best thing that ever happened to him, then there's a lot of hope to be found in the situation. But he needs to deal with the full reality of the situation a little better, and you need to figure out how to get pleasure in being sexual, inasmuch as you're able, again. That's what I hope a sex therapist can help me with, in any case... best, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2001 Report Share Posted November 16, 2001 , I am so sorry you have to deal with the vulva issues plus not having the support of your husband. I cried when I read your post. My heart goes out to you, I have a daughter your age and I pray everyday that she is not destined to what we have had to deal with. I know it is hard for a husband to deal with what we are going through but has to has to be extra hard for someone so young plus not having him close by makes it even harder. , have you thought of talking to someone like a clergy person or maybe a therapist? Maybe until you get through this period in your life you might want to talk to your doctor about taking something to help with the depression. Believe me it is normal to become depressed with every thing you are having to deal with right now. I am keeping you in my prayers. Hugs, Pam Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 16, 2001 Report Share Posted November 16, 2001 Hi , I am pretty new to this group...but I completly understand your situation. I am 26 and have been married for 3 years now. I am also in graduate school. My first sexual experience was with my husband (due to religious reasons) and after my wedding night I have not been able to have sexual intercouse with him. He has been understanding to a certain point but has been more and more demanding as time goes on. Up to this point, I have seen a couple of gyn's and was told the problem is in my head since I am incapable of letting the dr's fully exam me. Anyway, I recently changed my primary care doctor and for the first time I was told about vest. disorder. I dont know too much about it yet but I have started researching it and the light is finally turning on for me. I wish you the best and stay strong. --- schimeko77@... wrote: > Well, I'm finally posting since I'm at the end of my > rope. It's been > so long that I'm sure most of you don't remember me > or never met me. > Long story short, I have vestibulitis and have had > it since the first > time I tried to use a tampon or had a gyn. exam. I > am now 24 and > married and a grad student. My husband and I did > not have > intercourse before getting married and so I rather > naively thought > that things would be ok, having been reassured by > doctors. Well, they > weren't better and in fact attempting to have > intercourse was > incredibly painful. We've been married 16 mos. and > have not > consummated the marriage. Things might be going > better if he were > here to help me figure things out, but he is going > to school in > Holland and I am here trying to go to doctors and > figure out what's > wrong on my own. > Anyway, I think his expectations for what sex > would be like were a > little high even without the problem of the > vestibulitis, and as a > result he was very disappointed and angry and has > not been able to > hide it from me. He is also having trouble > confronting the fact that > it may be some time before we figure out a way to > improve things. I > guess he's hoping it will all just go away. I've > finally confronted > him about the lack of support I'm receiving and he > has admitted his > disappointment and anger, but " is handling it better > than most guys > would. " Meanwhile when we are together the pressure > for sex or > sexual favors is incredible - and when we're not, > the pressure to 'be > fixed.' He is even admitting that he is not sure he > could stay with > me forever if this problem continues while at the > same time begging > me not to leave because 'I am the best thing that > ever happened to > him.' > I feel absolutely sick about this whole situation. > I have lost 20% > of my body weight in the last four months and have > been diagnosed > with my first major depressive episode. I know in my > heart I won't > get over it until my marital situation is resolved > one way or the > other. I am so sick of the one-sidedness of the > whole thing and know > that it will not change. I have gone from loving > intimacy to hating > every minute of it but doing it so that I'll have a > respite from his > constant insistence. (Whenever we are together, > that is.) But it is > so tempting just to say that well, if I ever want to > be married, I > might as well try to make this one work since it's > doubtful I could > find a marital partner who would deal better. > (there are religious > issues as well). But sometimes, too, I feel like it > would be so much > better to be alone. At 24 I don't feel like I have > the life > experience to deal with this situation and I feel > like nothing will > ever be good again. And now I am under pressure > before the holidays > to tell him point blank whether I want this to work > or not... and he > is drinking all the time now... and this post is > confused and doesn't > make sense and is too long but guess what - that's > me right now too. > I don't want things to work but am afraid to tell > him, I guess. I am > sorry, really sorry, to dump like this but am in > need of all the > support and prayer I can get... thanks > > > > __________________________________________________ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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