Re: Catch Up Time

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

Yes - it is really hard isn't it? I've coped with the weight loss up till

the last few months fairly well I think but now I feel as if I have lost

all my presence and am fading away to this weak, old, shrunken,

insignificant little woman. I feel as if I am becoming invisible and no

longer have any " force " or " power " - I think you put it really well - the

weight has been a shield and I'm sure some of us (particluarly the oldies)

have carried that shield around with us for so long, as a way of not only

surviving in the rather cruel, unforgiving world out there, but as a way of

getting what we want. Hey, I may be fat but I'm worth two (or three, or

four) of you any day.

And it is not all in the mind. I have a job that pushes me to the front. It

is nothing to

present to ten people or fifty or more people at workshops, meetings

etc.and I am involved in promoting and energising people to achieve. I

loved it and thrived on the challenges and the achievements and I gloried

in the " awesome presence " I created around me. But once the coffee time

came, I shrivelled back into my shell and clutched my papers to me and

wandered around with an earnest look on my face and latched on to anyone

who wanted to talk turkey.

So I got a reputation as one who got things done, could take on more -

" Give it to Di, she will do it! " Great! See, I'm Superwoman - I'm fat but

I'm Superwoman! "

But now, I've lost all that. The strange thing is I'd much rather sit

around drinking coffee and discussing people with people. The work can go

to hell - I've lost it. And it is a real effort to keep it all together.

People notice or maybe now they feel more relaxed with me and able to talk

about personal things. Who knows? But I definitely feel as if I have lost

my presence - what I had built up so strenuously over the years.

I can understand what you went through at 21. It is such a huge effort to

keep it all together. I loved Uni studies - Have achieved two degrees and

post-graduate diplomas in my chosen field of education for special needs

and my lifelong interest in archaeology and ancient history - have studied

ancient languages and written paper after paper in these areas, and it

almost broke me when I could no longer manage to bring up a child on my

own, be a fulltime teacher and study at Uni at night. I just couldn't

physically do it. Now it doesn't mean a thing, which is sad - The reason I

had the lapband done was to regain some fitness and that mental and

physical strength and maybe, just maybe, lose enough weight to go

researching through the ruins of prehistoric Greece and Turkey. Now, I'd

much rather go for coffee and talk and gossip. Well maybe that's age as

well, but I don't think so.

But it kept me going - If I didn't have that, I would have given up. I was

really fortunate I think, when in primary school, I learned one very

important thing. At the ripe old age of 11, I realised that if I was not

going to be a victim, I would have to start throwing my weight around. And

I did - got hauled up to the principal's office so many times because I'd

flattened some boy who had " dared " to call me fattie. They soon learned.

Trouble is I had to learn to develop some other strategies really quickly

by the time I reached high school and realised such anti-social behaviour

was not going to work any more.

So then it was throwing my weight around mentally - and that has worked so

well for over thirty years. Now what do I do, I don't have that weight or

shield (or battering ram) any more and I just don't have the womanly social

skills of simpering, battering my eyelids or deferring to the male or

dominant to get my way - I'm totally at a loss and Crikey, I'm really

stuck. At my worst moments, I think that maybe I need to remove this

" lifesaver " and get my weight back. But we all know we can't go back.

Don't get me wrong - I love being a normal woman - It's absolutely

delightful but

I really miss that " shield " at times. I just go to bed and howl, feel so

much better and know that I don't really want to go back to that old life.

Anything is better than that.

Thanks - It's really great to know that others do understand and

have or are going through similar issues. I think we could all do with a

course in cognitive behaviour therapy. I must dig out my old texts on

behaviour modification, I'm in dire need! Someone suggested to me at

yesterday's Brisbands meeting that counselling might be the tick and it

does really sound a great idea. I had three years of psychological analysis

in the early nineties when the world I had built up wasn't working for me

any more and that " shield " just was not doing its job; and I went back

to see the psychologist on the advice of Trudy last year. It was great

revisiting him and seeing his reaction to this changed woman. He spent most

of the session just grinning at me and saying the changes (both physical

and emotional) were unbelievable and that made me feel really great but of

so far out on that limb. I was

really ready to go back into analysis and tap into the regressive

hypnotherapy that really brought home to me then how deep my pain and

anguish was....Too scary and something I still am not ready for. But I

will, one day. Till then I will continue to lay my beating heart bare

online and thank you all for your words of encouragement.

When you all bellow at me " Enough already! " I know it's time to go back

and face my childhood history.

Well, I think it is time for me to just catch my breath and jump right off

-

It will be alright. We all have to believe that. The world will not cave in

just because we are rejoining the human race....and it is probably not as

unforgiving as we perceived it to be. We shall see.

It's great that you are feeling much more positive about things, I'm sure

the experiences and the lessons learned in that time will hold you in good

stead. You have probably got quite a few lessons for us to learn.

Thanks .

Dianne

----------

> From: melissa.perrow@...

> To: ozbandegroups

> Subject: Re: Catch Up Time

> Date: Monday, 4 September 2000 12:14

>

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Dianne,

Your thoughts have struck a cord with me....re: lifelong fatties...i was a

" normal size " for a couple of years in my late teens...due to barely eating

3 days a week...and hours and hours of exercise....but the fact is, for me,

the weight is a shield that i carry around with me...protecting me from the

evils of society....the evils i know only too well from my childhood....i

am considering doing cognitive behaviour therapy (learning to change your

reactions to a given situation) again....as i didnt really try at all the

first time i went into therapy....for anyone who doesnt know...i had a

nervous breakdown at the ripe old age of 21....spent a whole year in

bed....and postponed completing my uni studies for a year.....well ive been

feeling really great for at least the last year....but i know as soon as

the weight starts to drop then some of those evil thoughts may come back to

haunt me....i wonder how i will cope without my shield..! ..

Missy_Belle

" dianne "

03/09/2000 10:04

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Subject: Catch Up Time

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Hello everyone,

Please excuse if this message is a repeat as my computer failed me the

first time and I'm rewriting it.

Went back to the docs after quite a while and I've lost 1 more kg. Whoopee!

That makes a grand total of 1 kg in over four months. Still - a positive

start to Spring. Just come back from my early Sunday walk around the Lake

and the birds were all chirping and the mother ducks were shepherding their

fluffy little ducklings away from this awesome creature thundering her way

down the track.

I am determined to get back on the losing track one way or another.

Hopefully, regular doses of epsom salts each weekend and more daily

exercise will work. I don't know what else to do. I am considering

structured exercises but I have never managed to stick to them before -

maybe panic will set in soon and I will hire a trainer as some of you are

doing. But at least it is light enough around 5.30-5.45 for me to get back

to my daily sunrise sessions around the Lake. I've really missed them

during winter as it has been still dark when I leave for work and usually

still dark when I get home - Ah! Roll on Summer

Luckily it should warm up pretty quickly and I can start swimming again as

well as my yoga and walking. Mind you I am well aware that I have lost most

of my blubber and that the water is going to seem awfully cold for quite a

while. I may have to consider heating the pool - more expense. And speaking

of expense, I am today throwing out or giving to Vinnies every blessed item

of seventies fashion I have squirrelled away in the last of my suitcases. I

opened the last one up last Monday evening and just sat there on the floor

and howled and howled. It is as if the last vestige of my former life with

all the trials and tribulations of wardrobe hunting and " making do " with

any old thing because that was all I was ever going to be able to wear have

finally caught up with me. We talked about it a little while yesterday -

I guess it is quite a common issue. But for lifelong fatties who have never

been " normal-sized " it is quite frightening to enter the realm of Size 16s

and to give up our fat bodies and all that goes with it. Sounds weird but

it is a real issue - our appearance and the way we have presented ourselves

for so long (ie all our life) has to be relinquished and we have none of

the " normal experiences " to cope. At least that is the way I'm thinking of

it. Jo - that book is needed!

So I am going shopping ....................in a big way.

Hey - has anyone heard from from Innisfail? , would love to hear

from you?

Hello Sheree - mentioned your earlier problem and solution re a week after

lapband surgery at the meeting. Why not put it over the band? More data for

our research banks. We had a great meeting yesterday - I'm sure we all left

a little light-hearted, if not light-headed and ready to face the coming

weeks. I love the way we can discuss anything and everything and laugh,

giggle and tease our way through our problems.

One of our doctors up here has been broached about advising lapbander

patients with concerns about support, of our OZBAND site - responded quite

energetically initially, but we're not sure if it will be followed up. Our

nutritionist, Trudy , is interested and you may hear her on the net

at some stage with her valuable information. We are planning to leave some

business cards with her.

Hey, my " fashion advisor " from yesterday - my sister takes a " Rescue

Remedy " from the health food shops for those times when thing (and people)

get too much to bear.

I must admit I've taken some drops when I'm about to shatter into a

thousand little fragile pieces and they do seem to work. Mind you, it might

be the rather strong alcholic solution they are in too.

Well, hope all are well, and looking forward to the summer months and ready

to lose heaps.

Cheers

Dianne

Band: 2/07/97

Weight Loss: 73kg

To lose: about 20-30kg