Depression, Pain, And Things Are Not Always As They Appear

[Guest guest]

Moderator's Note: Marta, I changed the subject line to reflect the content of

the post. You covered a lot of things very well.

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After my daughter left home in 2008 (she was 18), I went into a deep, DEEP

depression. I was at that point, living in a mobile home, on property that was ¾

of the way up a mountain, in the middle of nowhere. It is a 40 minute drive to

the nearest civilization, and that is a gas station. It was nearly twice that

to the nearest civilization that was anything remotely like a town.

Now back here, in Arkansas, the towns are smaller, in general.

My town has about 2500 people spread out over close to 100 miles. on, the

largest “big town” probably has 10,000 people. I moved back here to Arkansas in

1997, to make a better home for my then 7 year old daughter. I have never made

friends easily, and for 18 years, I was a mother; mostly a single mother. I

lived in the middle of nowhere, with no neighbors closer than 5 miles (and I

didn’t know them), no car and nobody coming over. That year, I didn’t see her

for Christmas either, so I spent it alone.

My daughter would come in once or twice a week, take me to the doctors and the

grocery store if necessary, but other than that I was

alone. The loneliness was deal-able…but the depression nearly caused me to

break down, finally I DID break down.

I ended up moving into town due to medical issues in May, 2009, to a little

house in the center of town. I was prepared to hate it, but actually, I love

it, though it took a while to get to that point. Fact is, other than my

husband/roommate (we’re still legally married and live in the same house, we’re

not a couple) and my daughter coming in during the week (her husband works about

5 blocks from me), I still have VERY few friends, and NONE of them are anywhere

around here.

The BEST thing I ever did for the loneliness was get the depression treated. I

found that it wasn’t really the being alone, it was the depression that made the

loneliness seem SO bad. If you’re not depressed, you might find you LIKE

spending time alone, because at least the company is good. But when you’re

depressed, anything remotely negative, even if it’s something small, are blown

WAY out of proportion.

I sent a group member several emails with things to do in Fresno (thought I was

sending them to the list, but didn’t check the TO line). All of what I found I

uncovered in a search that was LITERALLY five minutes. If you live in a city of

any decent size, there ARE things to do, BUT, if you’re depressed, you can’t SEE

them. All you see is the defeatism that comes with depression.

There are always things to do. You just have to be willing to

see them. And you can’t do that if you’re seeing the world through the blinkers

that Depression puts on you.

Being in pain, EVERY SECOND, EVERY MINUTE, EVERY HOUR, EVERY DAY, EVERY YEAR, is

a HUGE cause of depression. It’s hard to live with pain, but to live with it

ALL THE TIME, can drain you and may cause you to be so depressed that you just

can’t see ANYTHING positive.

Lists like this one are god-sends for people in chronic pain. We aren’t alone,

because we have all our “Friends in the box.” While it may not be the same as

face to face friends, it’s not “less, " in my opinion, it’s actually MORE

because on the computer we can share things we would never share face to face.

IF face to face, or telephone friends are that important to you (they’re not to

me, but I know they may be to some, I prefer online friends) then DO something.

And the first step to doing something is to take care of your depression; once

your depression is better, you may find that your own company is not so

horrible. At the very least, you’ll be able to see your options much clearer.

THE FOLLOWING IS MY OPINION AND BASED ON MY EXPERIENCES:

Just be careful, please, my online friends. Being in pain has another side that

is often overlooked, some of us are empathetic to the extreme. When one of our

online friends seems to be so depressed, loneliness or upset, we want to help.

BUT, bear in mind that there are people who USE that victim status to get things

from others.

IT’s a great thing to reach out to help someone, but sending money can be

dangerous, and always remember that sometimes there are people who do not WANT

to get help, but would rather just complain than really work on their situation.

Being a victim can be comfortable, if they’re used to it and there are people

who, while in legitimate pain, depression, etc, sometimes they the old parable

is worth

remembering:

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day, TEACH a man to fish and he eats for a

lifetime.

Marta