Re: Did your BPD parent...

May 10, 2009

I always felt pushed aside as a child. That " children are to seen and not

heard " mentality. When I did say or do something, I was ridiculed, made fun

of, or laughed at for having an opinion. My mother did the same thing with

sharing confidences with me I didn't want to know or putting her burdens

and stresses and worries onto me and then things I SHOULD HAVE known were

kept from me. Like I found out by overhearing a conversation that my father

was not my sister's biological father. I was 15. When I asked my mother

about it she told me to mind my own business.

I dont think I ever learned that my mother was untrustworthy. I just

continued to give her chance after chance to hurt me and have amunition against

me. I wanted a mother so desperately that I just kept giving her more

chances.

I made a friend who has a daughter and son close to my age. Carla's husband

was having surgery and she told me the seriousness of it and asked me not

to mention it to her daughter or son because she didn't want them to worry

unnecessarily. My first thought was, " wow...my mother would have told me

how close to death my father was and I should ashamed for moving awaay and

getting married and will feel guilty when he dies. "

In a message dated 5/10/2009 11:49:36 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

krn1957@... writes:

Nada and I went mall shopping, but it was because she's afraid to go

anywhere alone, so she dragged me along for her 9-5 shopping sprees. To this

day

I despise shopping because of those times together.

My only positive memory of nada from childhood was that she'd treat her

and I to a hot dog and a malt occasionally. For some reason she was never

mean or rude to me at the hot dog place, probably because she was an ice cream

addict and she was happily getting her fix!

Fada played board games with me when he was laid off from work during the

winter months...nada normally did not participate.

2

--- In _WTOAdultChildren1@WTOAdultChilWTO_

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 ) , Hummingbird1298@, Humm

>

> ...ever spend time with you?

>

> I think beyond all else in this entire world, all I ever wanted was for

my

> mother to spend time with me and make me feel special and for once, make

a

> moment about me and not about herself. I wanted her to take my shopping,

> go out to eat, go to a movie, have a girls day out like I do with my own

> daughter. And the older I got, the more I started seeking this from

outside

> people. I became close with a friend's mother and then that friend and I

> had a falling out, which meant I could no longer be friends with her

mother.

> It was devastating for me.

>

> I feel like I kind of do this " I need a mommy " thing with my therapist.

I

> hate her daughter, lol. Her daughter doesn't even know I exist, but I

> have seen her pictures in my therapist's office and I can't help but

feel that

> jealously rise up in me...like why couldn't she have been MY mother and

> then I wouldn't be struggling with all of these issues.....

>

> One of the ways I get some healing is being close with my own daughter.

> She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and we

become best

> friends. I so much want to be close with her and having a loving, good

> relationship. I mean, I want the same with my two boys too.

>

> My daughter and I did a little online " interview your child " thing the

> other day and one of the questions was " what do you enjoy doing with

your

> mom? " My daughter said she liked when I paint fingernails and she gets

to help

> with laundry.

>

> Such simple things that are special to her. Things I never had with my

> mother.

>

> ************ **************The Average US Credit Score is 692. See

You

> Steps!

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> [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

>

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May 10, 2009

I can totally understand why you wanted a mom to spend time

with, but your nada probably wouldn't have provided those

experiences even she had spent time with you. My nada spent

plenty of time with me. She took me shopping a lot. She loved

shopping then and still does now. Shopping was all about her -

what she wanted to buy for herself, what she wanted to buy for

me whether or not it suited me at all, what she wore because

everyone at the mall was sure to be looking at her, and

consequently what I wore because if I was with her, how I looked

would reflect upon her, etc. Doing things with my nada did not

in the least bit make me feel special. Generally, doing things

with her just proved how I could never satisify her or be the

daughter she wanted. When I got older, doing things with her was

a a chance for her to share things with me - not the kind of

sharing that you probably wished for but rather things I didn't

want to hear or know about, like the fact that she was cheating

on my father.

At 11:22 AM 05/10/2009 Hummingbird1298@... wrote:

>...ever spend time with you?

>

>I think beyond all else in this entire world, all I ever wanted

>was for my

>mother to spend time with me and make me feel special and for

>once, make a

>moment about me and not about herself. I wanted her to take my

>shopping,

>go out to eat, go to a movie, have a girls day out like I do

>with my own

>daughter. And the older I got, the more I started seeking this

>from outside

>people. I became close with a friend's mother and then that

>friend and I

>had a falling out, which meant I could no longer be friends

>with her mother.

>It was devastating for me.

>

>I feel like I kind of do this " I need a mommy " thing with

>my therapist. I

>hate her daughter, lol. Her daughter doesn't even know I

>exist, but I

>have seen her pictures in my therapist's office and I

>can't help but feel that

>jealously rise up in me...like why couldn't she have been

>MY mother and

>then I wouldn't be struggling with all of these issues.....

>

>One of the ways I get some healing is being close with my own

>daughter.

>She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and

>we become best

> friends. I so much want to be close with her and having a

> loving, good

>relationship. I mean, I want the same with my two boys too.

>

>My daughter and I did a little online " interview your child "

>thing the

>other day and one of the questions was " what do you enjoy doing

>with your

>mom? " My daughter said she liked when I paint fingernails and

>she gets to help

>with laundry.

>

>Such simple things that are special to her. Things I never had

>with my

>mother.

--

Katrina

May 10, 2009

Nada and I went mall shopping, but it was because she's afraid to go anywhere

alone, so she dragged me along for her 9-5 shopping sprees. To this day I

despise shopping because of those times together.

My only positive memory of nada from childhood was that she'd treat her and I to

a hot dog and a malt occasionally. For some reason she was never mean or rude to

me at the hot dog place, probably because she was an ice cream addict and she

was happily getting her fix!

Fada played board games with me when he was laid off from work during the winter

months...nada normally did not participate.

2

>

> ...ever spend time with you?

>

> I think beyond all else in this entire world, all I ever wanted was for my

> mother to spend time with me and make me feel special and for once, make a

> moment about me and not about herself. I wanted her to take my shopping,

> go out to eat, go to a movie, have a girls day out like I do with my own

> daughter. And the older I got, the more I started seeking this from outside

> people. I became close with a friend's mother and then that friend and I

> had a falling out, which meant I could no longer be friends with her mother.

> It was devastating for me.

>

> I feel like I kind of do this " I need a mommy " thing with my therapist. I

> hate her daughter, lol. Her daughter doesn't even know I exist, but I

> have seen her pictures in my therapist's office and I can't help but feel

that

> jealously rise up in me...like why couldn't she have been MY mother and

> then I wouldn't be struggling with all of these issues.....

>

> One of the ways I get some healing is being close with my own daughter.

> She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and we become best

> friends. I so much want to be close with her and having a loving, good

> relationship. I mean, I want the same with my two boys too.

>

> My daughter and I did a little online " interview your child " thing the

> other day and one of the questions was " what do you enjoy doing with your

> mom? " My daughter said she liked when I paint fingernails and she gets to

help

> with laundry.

>

> Such simple things that are special to her. Things I never had with my

> mother.

>

> **************The Average US Credit Score is 692. See Yours in Just 2 Easy

> Steps!

>

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222376999x1201454299/aol?redir=http://\

www.freecreditreport.com/pm/default.aspx?sc=668072 & hmpgID=62 & bcd=M

> ay51009AvgfooterNO62)

>

May 10, 2009

In a dysfunctional context, no. I think it's healthy for adult mothers

and daughters to be best friends in a sense unlike what you would have with a

peer.

In a message dated 5/10/2009 1:38:16 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

abby_doo@... writes:

> She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and we

become best friends.

I don't think it's healthy for mothers and daughters to be " best friends " .

**************The Average US Credit Score is 692. See Yours in Just 2 Easy

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May 10, 2009

Yes. I don't know why I did it. Once she died, that hurt rose up due more

to a lack of opportunity to ever have a true to life mother who cared more

about me than herself. That was never an option when she was alive in

reality, but I guess you never give up hope.

My mother went from the waif/hermit phobic, anxiety-ridden, depressed,

stressed, suicidal mother to the deathly sick with emphysema needing someone to

always take care of her mother.

It never ended. Never.

In a message dated 5/10/2009 1:32:57 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

this is how we were treated too :-( I was in the 9th grade and nada told me

my fada was impotent !! Like a kid really needs to know this ?? Like you,

I kept giving her change after change of hurting me...I guess I stupidly

thought she would see the error of her ways , apologize and become a real

mother ( don't we all hope for that ?)

Jackie

I always felt pushed aside as a child. That " children are to seen and not

heard " mentality. When I did say or do something, I was ridiculed, made fun

of, or laughed at for having an opinion. My mother did the same thing with

sharing confidences with me I didn't want to know or putting her burdens

and stresses and worries onto me and then things I SHOULD HAVE known were

kept from me. Like I found out by overhearing a conversation that my

father

was not my sister's biological father. I was 15. When I asked my mother

about it she told me to mind my own business.

I dont think I ever learned that my mother was untrustworthy. I just

continued to give her chance after chance to hurt me and have amunition

against

me. I wanted a mother so desperately that I just kept giving her more

chances.

I made a friend who has a daughter and son close to my age. Carla's husband

was having surgery and she told me the seriousness of it and asked me not

to mention it to her daughter or son because she didn't want them to worry

unnecessarily. My first thought was, " wow...my mother would have told me

how close to death my father was and I should ashamed for moving awaay and

getting married and will feel guilty when he dies. "

**************The Average US Credit Score is 692. See Yours in Just 2 Easy

Steps!

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May 10, 2009

Wow, Katrina, you have described what spending time with my nada was/is like:

the unpleasant, nada-focused shopping expeditions and the hearing confidences

from nada that were completely inappropriate. Being around my nada was highly

stressful for me as a child and teen because even if I wasn't in immediate

danger of being hit or screamed at while we were in public, I was still being

observed by her and judged. If I did something wrong or bad in her eyes, I'd

get screamed at on the way home.

I was a jittery, nervous child and pre-teen and would be criticized and

humiliated for being " too thin. " Any mealtime that involved us all sitting

around the table together was nightmarish. I was under nada's magnifying glass

and if I didn't eat this or that, or enough of this or that, nada would be

pissed off and insulted, and would launch a tirade at me.

When I hit puberty I finally began to have an appetite and ate well, so then

*both* nada and fada went after me for gaining too much weight and being " fat. "

Pictures of me from those childhood and young teen years show a normal-weight

child, neither too skinny nor too fat. I hate nada and fada for being so harsh

with me regarding my appearance and weight, that has done life-long damage.

-Annie

> >...ever spend time with you?

> >

> >I think beyond all else in this entire world, all I ever wanted

> >was for my

> >mother to spend time with me and make me feel special and for

> >once, make a

> >moment about me and not about herself. I wanted her to take my

> >shopping,

> >go out to eat, go to a movie, have a girls day out like I do

> >with my own

> >daughter. And the older I got, the more I started seeking this

> >from outside

> >people. I became close with a friend's mother and then that

> >friend and I

> >had a falling out, which meant I could no longer be friends

> >with her mother.

> >It was devastating for me.

> >

> >I feel like I kind of do this " I need a mommy " thing with

> >my therapist. I

> >hate her daughter, lol. Her daughter doesn't even know I

> >exist, but I

> >have seen her pictures in my therapist's office and I

> >can't help but feel that

> >jealously rise up in me...like why couldn't she have been

> >MY mother and

> >then I wouldn't be struggling with all of these issues.....

> >

> >One of the ways I get some healing is being close with my own

> >daughter.

> >She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and

> >we become best

> > friends. I so much want to be close with her and having a

> > loving, good

> >relationship. I mean, I want the same with my two boys too.

> >

> >My daughter and I did a little online " interview your child "

> >thing the

> >other day and one of the questions was " what do you enjoy doing

> >with your

> >mom? " My daughter said she liked when I paint fingernails and

> >she gets to help

> >with laundry.

> >

> >Such simple things that are special to her. Things I never had

> >with my

> >mother.

>

> --

> Katrina

>

May 10, 2009

this is how we were treated too :-( I was in the 9th grade and nada told me

my fada was impotent !! Like a kid really needs to know this ?? Like you,

I kept giving her change after change of hurting me...I guess I stupidly

thought she would see the error of her ways , apologize and become a real

mother ( don't we all hope for that ?)

Jackie

I always felt pushed aside as a child. That " children are to seen and not

heard " mentality. When I did say or do something, I was ridiculed, made fun

of, or laughed at for having an opinion. My mother did the same thing with

sharing confidences with me I didn't want to know or putting her burdens

and stresses and worries onto me and then things I SHOULD HAVE known were

kept from me. Like I found out by overhearing a conversation that my

father

was not my sister's biological father. I was 15. When I asked my mother

about it she told me to mind my own business.

I dont think I ever learned that my mother was untrustworthy. I just

continued to give her chance after chance to hurt me and have amunition

against

me. I wanted a mother so desperately that I just kept giving her more

chances.

I made a friend who has a daughter and son close to my age. Carla's husband

was having surgery and she told me the seriousness of it and asked me not

to mention it to her daughter or son because she didn't want them to worry

unnecessarily. My first thought was, " wow...my mother would have told me

how close to death my father was and I should ashamed for moving awaay and

getting married and will feel guilty when he dies. "

May 10, 2009

Mine was extremely emotionally abusive and blackmailed us, but she never

beat us. She allowed my uncle to do that

In a message dated 5/10/2009 5:15:15 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

h_l_maston@... writes:

THE COP OUT!!!

Exactly!

A-men!

Ditto!

Mix that in with waif/queen, find a few 'situational victims' who buy her

story, and let the games begin.

Lynnette

>

> and this statement, which comes out of my nadas mouth a lot too, always

> makes me angry...my nada beat us, belittled us, made fun or us, tried to

me

> ( don't know about my siblings) terrorized us, used emotional abuse and

> emotional blackmail... emotional blackmail.....that was the best

she co

> she took the easy way out..beat the kids because she needed a release,

> scream/terrorize the kids because she needed a release..

>

> Jackie

>

> Yet, somehow, Nada thinks she " did the best she could. " Yesterday (and

> honestly about 1/2 hour ago) she was in the " my childhood was SO

horrible so

> who can blame me - or my siblings - for anything... " Ok, fine... I get

that

> her dad was supposedly a monster... but, using her thinking, I could be

a

> monster too. I won't. I refuse to be that person. I am not her.

>

> So... here comes a Q... why are we, the KO's of this... MONSTERS

> TOO????????? TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO?

TOO? TOO? TOO? TOO?

>

> It seems like the easy way out. It seems " Justifiable. It seems like the

easy

> so what's the difference?

>

> Lynnette

>

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May 10, 2009

> She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and we become best

friends.

I don't think it's healthy for mothers and daughters to be " best friends " .

May 10, 2009

> She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and we become best

friends.

I don't think it's healthy for mothers and daughters to be " best friends " .

May 10, 2009

Yes, I agree with you. I have friends who have normal mothers (granted

we're in our 30's) and consider their mothers their best friends. It's hard for

me to accept it if I am honest. I really feel so much jealousy there.

I'd never tell them that, but it's hard for me sometimes. I just have

to look the other way when I see mothers and daughters off together.

In a message dated 5/10/2009 4:29:35 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

I agree, I've known 2 friends who were best friends with their normal

mothers...and the relationship ( in retrospect, at the time I thought it

was

really weird !! LOL who want to be friends with their witch/queen mother

??) always seemed normal..the times the mother needed to be a mother, she

was, but the daughters always felt comfortable telling her mother anything

and everything..and everything..they didn't gossip the way

girlfriends

about all kinds of things, and they both turned to their mothers first for

any problems/joys to share...

Jackie

In a dysfunctional context, no. I think it's healthy for adult mothers

and daughters to be best friends in a sense unlike what you would have

with

a

peer.

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May 10, 2009

Oh yes, my nada spent all her time with me. She was a socially isolated single

mom and I was her only child. I was everything to her - this is what it is to

be painted white with a waif/hermit nada. Odd part is I still didn't get what I

needed, to have her see me or care about what was happening to me. All that

time we spent together was always about her needs, comfort, or whims. I was

kind of like a very cooperative tiny side-kick. I was cooperative because I

knew I damn well I better be or the " nice mommy " mask would come off and I'd see

the Witch which I couldn't bear. My social development got thrown off too - I

talked like an adult, didn't relate well with my peers at all because they

seemed immature like a different species. I was always praised for how mature I

was by adults and teachers but now as an adult it's clear I missed a lot of

social milestones and development that I needed through not relating to peers

mainly.

, I can imagine the need for that time spent is huge and I know I still

crave the quality time which never comes. Just speaking for myself though, it's

that unmet need that's one of the hooks that still draws me in and I think

anything we still want from our nadas could function that way.

>

> ...ever spend time with you?

>

> I think beyond all else in this entire world, all I ever wanted was for my

> mother to spend time with me and make me feel special and for once, make a

> moment about me and not about herself. I wanted her to take my shopping,

> go out to eat, go to a movie, have a girls day out like I do with my own

> daughter. And the older I got, the more I started seeking this from outside

> people. I became close with a friend's mother and then that friend and I

> had a falling out, which meant I could no longer be friends with her mother.

> It was devastating for me.

>

> I feel like I kind of do this " I need a mommy " thing with my therapist. I

> hate her daughter, lol. Her daughter doesn't even know I exist, but I

> have seen her pictures in my therapist's office and I can't help but feel

that

> jealously rise up in me...like why couldn't she have been MY mother and

> then I wouldn't be struggling with all of these issues.....

>

> One of the ways I get some healing is being close with my own daughter.

> She's only 8 now, but I can't wait for the day she is older and we become best

> friends. I so much want to be close with her and having a loving, good

> relationship. I mean, I want the same with my two boys too.

>

> My daughter and I did a little online " interview your child " thing the

> other day and one of the questions was " what do you enjoy doing with your

> mom? " My daughter said she liked when I paint fingernails and she gets to

help

> with laundry.

>

> Such simple things that are special to her. Things I never had with my

> mother.

>

> **************The Average US Credit Score is 692. See Yours in Just 2 Easy

> Steps!

>

(http://pr.atwola.com/promoclk/100126575x1222376999x1201454299/aol?redir=http://\

www.freecreditreport.com/pm/default.aspx?sc=668072 & hmpgID=62 & bcd=M

> ay51009AvgfooterNO62)

>

May 10, 2009