Re: I give up

[Guest guest]

,

It is always frustrating when people close to you don't actually understand

chronic pain. Even those who are well-meaning will say something stupid. They

don't and can't understand what you are going through.

I think it is actually worse when you combine that non-comprehension with family

dynamics. There were times when my mother and I just did not understand each

other. We said things that just ticked the other off. But I loved my mother

and she I. That love is the important thing to bear in mind.

Hang in there. It is good your kids keep you going. Remember that you are

worthy of love.

> wrote:

> I love my mum so much but she really upsets me.

[Guest guest]

Wow that is a wonderful and inspiring story! It shows that the future is always

open for change. Thank you for sharing.

BB and hugs, Tami

> Christa wrote:

>   I was abuse too when I was young by kids in elementary school I went to

and my parents as well. 

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I've been reading the notes regarding this topic and am so very

sorry to hear of the issues you have with your mom. The very last thing any of

us needs is family distress of this nature. It aggravates the pain and solves

nothing.

My mom is 76 and just has never understood the impact of her harsh words.

Although she tries harder now than she ever has to control

her tongue because she is pushing her 3 children away at a time in her life when

she may need some real help. I help, call or visit

only out of obligation, not love. This is so sad!!

Mom has been trying to understand the RSD and deformity in my foot that I now

live with and has greatly reduced her requests for my help. She's much more able

to manage things in her life than I am!

For some reason I still seek her approval and that's why it hurts

so much when she says something abrasive. I've been to counseling (before RSD)

to help me better draw boundaries where mom is concerned.

What has helped most is that I control how my mom and I communicate. I'm most

comfortable writing emails to her. That way I can think through what I want to

say rather than react emotionally.

I choose whether or not to open an email from her. I will read her emails only

when I'm in a frame of mind to do so. Just these 2 things have helped me quite a

bit.

You need to find your own way of communicating your hurt to your mom when she

makes any reference whatsoever to weight. Can you possibly retreat from

communicating with her for awhile so you can kind of regroup?

I wish you only the very best! Dealing with her hurtful comments must be so

difficult, especially because eating can be one of the most comforting things we

do at the moment we feel the most physical and emotional pain.

Hugs,

Carol

> x wrote:

>Thank you Christa, I don't see her as much as I use to, every time

I go and see her she goes on about my weight and it really gets me down.

[Guest guest]

Lyndi,

Who was the primary care giver for your mom? Is she still alive? Was your mom

always like this or was it a result of some accident or disease? I can't imagine

what that would be like! Must be pretty horrid and the waiting is also hard. My

mom increasingly uses a walker and I imagine a wheelchair can't be far behind.

She's got spinal stenosis and arthritis in her hand. At this appt they just want

to look at her.

Getting old while going through some of these painful conditions must be horrid.

I cannot imagine being afraid in your own home due to the potential for falling

without being able to get up. I've encouraged mom to get a med alert system so

that she's monitored all the time while at home. The system is set up to call

911 first and then me. Not a whole lot I can do but I can sit in a chair next to

her at a hospital.

It's this kind of thing that is scary to me because once this starts happening

she'll begin making lists of things that " someone " will need to do at her house.

Of my mom's 3 kids, I'm the most physically challenged. I can NOT do many of the

things she needs done. Period.

If I go over to keep her company then she'll just review her list with me and

hint at things she thinks I should be able to do and I end up doing them whether

or not it was smart for me to do it. The the cycle begins.... " a daughter who

truly loves her mother would do X and Z " . I know you're disabled, too. But you

can pace yourself and on and on that goes. Very frustrating.

Thanks for letting me vent!!! This was just one of those times when someone said

something that brought up a current situation that I question myself. I'm so

limited with my RSD in my foot!!

Take care,

Hugs,

Carol

>Lyndi wrote:

I'm just the opposite. I loved my Mum very much, but when I was young,

I didn't really understand what she was going through. I tried to be

supportive, but I know I could have done better. Seeing her so sick and

still for so many years, made me want to run away. She couldn't move

anything from her head down. She could blink her eyes, talk in a

whisper, swallow, and that was it. She couldn't chew or twitch a finger

or toe. On top of that, she was in pain all day, every day.

Too bad we can't learn properly from other peoples' experiences. But,

the truth is, we cannot possibly understand what exactly is happening in

someone else's head. We can only hear what they say and watch how they

live. That only gives us a partial picture.

[Guest guest]

Carol M. wrote:

> Lyndi,

> Who was the primary care giver for your mom?Is she still alive?

Actually, my Mum was in the hospital for the last eight years of her

life. She was fortunate to be in Canada. All her care came out of the

bit of taxes each person in the workforce, pays toward medical benefits

for everyone. She received wonderful care. The staff became very

attached to her. Everyone of them, who was not at work, was at her

funeral. She had Multiple Sclerosis, arthritis, degenerative disk

disease, Morton's feet, spurs all down her spine and what became known

as RSD.

I did my share to help her when she was at home. I grocery shopped,

cooked, cleaned, did laundry, had a part time job and went to school. I

also found time to date and get married:-) It was when she was in the

hospital that it was the hardest. Going there day after day after day

as a teenager felt horrid. Then when I got married, I moved 140

kilometres away, so I only got to spend one day a week with her. (that's

what I really feel badly about). Watching my go-getting Mum disappear

so slowly was very hard for everyone. For her it was a nightmare.

Mum was young when she died. I was in my early 20's at the time. I'm 58

now. I'm the oldest living woman in my family, going out to 4th

cousins. (I don't know who is who after that). I must admit it is a

weird position to be in at my age.

> Getting old while going through some of these painful conditions must be

horrid. I cannot imagine being afraid in your own home due to the potential for

falling without being able to get up. I've encouraged mom to get a med alert

system so that she's monitored all the time while at home. The system is set up

to call 911 first and then me. Not a whole lot I can do but I can sit in a chair

next to her at a hospital.

Medical Alert pendants or bracelet are wonderful. I recommend them for

almost all of my clients. When I first got hurt, back in the mid 80s',

I was all alone in our market garden. We lived in the country, it was

evening and I was about a half a kilometre from the house. My family

was indoors, so they didn't hear me yelling. I crawled home. If I had

had a medical alert, I would have hit that button so fast! 'Course

there were no medical alert things back then.

After my father-in-law died, my mother-in-law balked at getting a

medical alert pendant. Then one day she called to say she thought it

was time to get one. I assume she took a fall and didn't want to tell

us about it, as for two weeks she insisted that she didn't need any help

at home and didn't want company :-)

Lyndi