Re: ‘You Look Great’ and Other Lies

[Guest guest]

wrote:

> This article talks about people with cancer but I thought it applies to people

with chronic pain.

>

>

> __________________

>

> From the NY Times, Published: June 10, 2011

>

> �First, the Nevers.

>

> 1. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? Most patients I know grow to hate this ubiquitous,

if heartfelt question because it puts the burden back on them. As Doug Ulman,

the chief executive of Livestrong and a three-time cancer survivor, explained:

�The patient is never going to tell you. They don�t want to feel

vulnerable.� Instead, just do something for the patient. And the more mundane

the better, because those are the tasks that add up. Want to be really helpful?

Clean out my fridge, replace my light bulbs, unpot my dead plants, change my

oil.

>

> 2. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU. In my experience, some people think

about you, which is nice. Others pray for you, which is equally comforting. But

the majority of people who say they�re sending �thoughts and prayers� are

just falling back on a mindless clich�. It�s time to retire this hackneyed

expression to the final resting place of platitudes, alongside �I�m stepping

down to spend more time with my family,� or �It�s not you, it�s me.�

>

,

I disagree with the first two that " Never " should be done or said because of

some issues I have experienced with cancer patients.

Bernie Segal, writes books on his cancer survival and as a radiation therapist,

I got to hear what the patients wanted. Although this article is nice, I think a

bit rude to those who ask about people as some of the remarks come from

ignorance and the patient WILL have to say what they need or they end of up

dozens of cookies and no real meal when they ask for food.

We would assist our patients family by cleaning their house, taking their kids

to practice, etc. The things that they could not do now but needed to see done

so they could concentrate on getting well.

A story I heard came to mind when I read this. It was about five church deacons

that were trying to think about helping a family that was down and out, they

were lamenting about what to do about getting food to them etc. They said to

each other, Lets pray about this and then noticed one member was missing and

then an hour later he showed back up and they asked where had he been, he

answered, " I went and bought food for the family and delivered it " .

This is basically what I think is needed. It is okay to say to a cancer patient,

" I don't know what you need but if you will think about it and this is what I

can do:

bring meals, drive your kids, clean your house, and other things. It should not

be the burden of the patient or the person offering a service as people in pain

like to be left alone sometimes and also other personal things inhibit things

happening.

My motto is to offer as to not offer is worse. Bennie

[Guest guest]

> Bennie wrote:

> I disagree with the first two that " Never " should be done or said because of

some issues I have experienced with cancer patients.

Bennie,

I respect your opinion to disagree. I'm not sure we disagree. What you write

about doing for the patients and the story of church deacons sounds exactly like

what I thought the article was trying to say.

I got so tired of everyone asking what could they do but not really meaning it

when I had cancer, when my mother had cancer twice, when several friends had

cancer. I can give you a litany of requests that were made of and refused by

well meaning people who said they'd do anything for the person.

Here is one example. My mother was critically ill for several weeks. When she

finally stabilized enough for my brother and I to begin to think about resuming

our lives part-time. We started going back to work. We were trading off nights

at the hospital. When my brother and I talked about what we really wanted it

was this: a night off. Someone to come to the hospital and visit with my

mother for an hour or so one night. You pick the night. And this is a one-time

gig. It is not that we are asking anyone to come every week or every day. Just

one extra night off. Someone else to sit with her.

The minister from her church my mother had historically attended had been

stopping by and raving about the care committee. She kept asking us: " What can

we do? Just name it. Our care committee works wonders. "

My mother's co-workers called regularly and asked " What can we do to help? "

People I remembered from years ago would call or stop by and ask " What can I

do? "

Want to guess how many people took us up on the offer? None.

The minister said " Oh, I don't think we can do that. " A year later a member of

the famous care committee met my mother on the street. He asked why they were

unable to help us. The minister hadn't told the care committee of our request.

Oh, and no one from this famous care committee actually cared enough to stop by

and do anything.

And, yes, I'm still a little bit angry about that.

My best friend stopped in and did a load of laundry, cooked a meal and did the

dishes when I had cancer. She just did it. I didn't have to ask.

Guess how many people were willing to do " anything, just name it " for my friend

Theresa who died of breast cancer. Very darn few. They weren't willing to go

to the kid's sporting events or theater performances. They could not imagine

picking lilacs and bring them into the house. I stopped by several nights a

week. I did those things. I helped her pick out future graduation gifts,

future wedding presents, future baby shower presents and future birthday

presents for her two children because no one else would help her with her

requests. I helped her write notes and wrap the presents and tuck them away in

storage bins for her husband to distribute later.

Her phone rang constantly and people stopped in all the time. But they left

after about 10 minutes. Every single one of them asked what they could do.

Theresa had a list on a white board of things she wanted done ranging from tasks

that would take as little as a couple of minutes. Things like transfer the

laundry from the washer to the dryer and turn the dryer on. Brew some iced tea.

Play with the dog. Most people couldn't find anything on her list that could be

done. She got so darn tired of being asked and being told no. She told people

to stop asking. She told them to just do something.

Now what you described seemed to match what I thought the article was saying:

Never ask " What can I do? " unless you really mean it.

I think we are in what in conflict management calls " violent agreement " . Sorry

for venting.