Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy

[Guest guest]

I really am just trying to keep it together here with my family. I feel so

frustrated. I've had plenty of time since I fell to get used to not everything

being done, but heck they've had plenty of time to know what I need help with. I

find it to be such a smack in my face when day after day I find more messes. I'm

not even asking anyone to do EXTRA work- just common courtesy things like

dishes-sink. Clothes- washer.

Put the tie on the bread so it doesn't dry out. Seal the lunch meat back. Don't

leave the knife you used for mayo sitting on the FREAKING COUNTER.

This last few weeks have been especially frustrating. My husband had to work

very long extra hours during the storms and floods, so I didn't really have any

backup with the kids or help.

Then last week I couldn't talk (laryngitis) then this week I have a bad kidney

infection on my LEFT. So I always sleep on my left because my right arm is what

I injured and I can't lay on that side. I've run out of sides. This kidney feels

like a giant STONE under my skin, lol. Never want to have another infection.

Please let the first be last.

So my whine is really what every mother has I guess. My kids, I feel like they

do try- and I DO remember at their age when my mom broke her back and use having

to take over all chores. It sucked. We would miss things (I guess children live

in a fog) and she would get upset.

needs to help more too. I used to do everything for our house inside of

it- I WANTED to, I got joy from it. Now, I feel like the only thing I say to him

or the kids is something b!tchy. I never can sit down. I hurt all day and night

and when they make me feel ignored and just RESENTFUL, I can't mask it.

Then I wonder how much is THEM and how much is ME. I am sad. I can't wait for

this new med (Wellbutrin) to take effect so I can kind of see how much is me

expecting too much. I've let so much go. I understand my house will never be

spotless again.

Anyway I got in a huge argument with last night. I don't know how much of

it is me feeling like such an unpleasant, weak burden, and how much is him just

not seeing that I'm drowning over here.

I know I have to let go of " clean " house, but a level of clean just makes me

FEEL good. I feel stressed when everything is in disarray.

I'm scared to do too much because I will probably run short of pain meds this

month (my GP couldn't prescribe of course for the kidney infection because I

have a pain doctor, he's out of town.

We'd been lowering the count and I was already having trouble keeping myself

comfortable with the new quantity, and of course I had to take more with the

kidney. And before that, the weather was killing me.

Anyway this is all very whiny. I just don't feel comfy discussing home

frustrations with anybody so I'm doing it here instead, lol. I don't know who

else would understand.

For those with children at home (mine are 8 and 12 and homeschooled) and or a

husband, how do you find your way to make it work? Lately, I think my kids think

I'm just a sour woman.

I hate when they ask me to do something and I have to say I hurt. I just hate

all of this. Like the young one asked for ice cream tonight. I can't even scoop

it. I feel like I'm selling them too short and I don't want them to hate me, but

I don't want to pick up behind them and allow them to expect that.

And my husband, he is a good man. He really isn't a bad guy at all. He was so

much more helpful and supportive before, but how many years can you do that and

listen to it? I don't know. I just feel very alone right now.

I don't feel like he backs me up (maybe he thinks I'm expecting too much; he IS

the more laid back parent) and he works so much lately. I suppose I'm just

mourning the former today. Thanks for listening. This post adds nothing

positive but I had to just kinda " type it out " LOL