Clearing The Air

[Guest guest]

Bennie & All,

The difference between telling someone what to do and sharing one's

experiences lies in how the particular statement is phrased.

Statements telling someone what to do tend to take the form of, " You

should/should not do [x, y, or z] " , or " Go and do (or not do) [whatever] " ,

or " I want you to do (or not do) [such-and-such] " , and so on. This is

especially true if the statement is a command or instruction--i.e., the

person doesn't say " please " , they just say " do it " .

Statements telling what one's experiences have been tend to take the form

of, " I have done (or not done) [x, y, or z] " , or " My experience has been (or

not been) [whatever] " , or " [such-and-such] has/has not worked for me " , and

so on.

Other statements that sound similar to the first but are really not, are

statements such as " Please consider [x, y, or z] " , or " I would like you to

be careful doing [whatever] " , or " Please update me when [such-and-such

treatment/event] has occurred " . These statements are more appropriately

termed " advice " , and not instructions or commands as the first are.

Also, generally, " should " statements tend to come across, at least to me, as

commands or instructions, especially when they are preceeded by the word

" you " .

I am not trying to play moderator here, but I have had the experience on

another Yahoo chronic pain list in just this past week (of which I am also a

brand new member) of someone emailing me off-list and telling me, as in

giving orders for, what I should do. Namely, she instructed me to get a neck

brace and gave me all sorts of details and told me why I should, and that I

should email her back when I had it.

I am not sure what the atmosphere is on any of these boards in terms of

instructions versus sharing personal experiences versus advice, so I just

wanted to share that I, personally, would like to be offered the latter two,

and not the former. I am not trying to change the rules of the list by

listing the examples or my experiences and requests in this email--I am just

trying to tell people how I, personally, would like to be treated by people

who I hope can offer support, but who are not my medical professionals.

I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds by sending this for moderator

approval to be posted to the list. Also, I'm sorry if I was

unclear/confusing in my previous email.

Thank you,

e.h.

Bennie wrote:

> I am so glad that helped you and you suggested it to . I thought I

> read 's request state, please do not answer her telling her what to

> do, that is her Doctors' position.

>

> This confused me as I didn't know if sharing our experiences is the same

> but I am glad you mentioned this as having a headache without treatment is

> bad.

>

> So, I was confused sharing my experiences and most members know we all know

> that we are not Doctors and anything we offer her is our own experience or

> what information we find from an article or website.