Re: [c_p]Missing jobs, professions/Bennie

[Guest guest]

> Bennie wrote:

> It is hard giving up a profession you worked hard at because of pain but you

have to care for yourself. As long as I have my husband, life is worth living.

He is my lifesaver.

Hi Bennie,

I have often thought of asking but never have until now. How do we juggle the

fact we are in pain constantly with marriage? How do we manage to keep it going

with pain being such a big focus?

I realize this is a loaded question and I do apologize for it. I have

really been struggling with the fact that right now my husband is more my nurse

than my marriage partner and it hurts a lot. I know the pain is not under

control of medication yet and I am deeply depressed. I am working with a

counselor and it was her who finally got me to ask the question I posted above.

Christy

[Guest guest]

I agree it is hard, very hard.

My partner left all because of me not being able to recognize and accept that

this time I just could not handle the pain. I have always been able to handle

pain (Army, martial arts, broke leg in four places etc.) but this pain is just

something else.

I was angry at myself, angry at the doctors for not helping enough and just

generally angry at the world as a whole. Anyone, even a long term partner can

only put up with that daily anger for so long and then they break. It's not

until you lose it that you realize what you had.

After she had gone, it was such a jolt to my system that only then did I see

what I had become because of the anger at the pain etc. It wasn't pretty.

Now I find it almost impossible to leave the house more than once a week if I am

lucky never mind going to work etc. So I have much too much time to myself and

my own thoughts.

Reading the posts on here has helped though and sometimes, it makes me feel that

I am such a wuss. Maybe that is what age has done to me! lol.

Still, it helps to know we are not alone and for me, that not everyone was as

daft about accepting the pain as I was. Helps me to see and make sense of what

is going on.

Ken

>Christy wrote:

Hi Bennie,

I have often thought of asking but never have until now. How do we juggle the

fact we are in pain constantly with marriage? How do we manage to keep it going

with pain being such a big focus?

[Guest guest]

My wife has been more of nurse than anything else lately. I hate it. After

her spinal fusion in September 2008, I took care of her for months, but I

had help (her great aunt). After she broke her femur and had surgery, I got

to pay her back for everything she's been doing for me over the past 6-8

months.

Just make site your significant other knows they're appreciated.

Steve M in PA, age 21

Married with 3 year old daughter

>Christy wrote:

>I have often thought of asking but never have until now. How do we juggle the

fact we are in pain constantly with marriage? How do we manage to keep it going

with pain being such a big focus?

[Guest guest]

> Christy wrote:

> I have often thought of asking but never have until now. How do we juggle the

fact we are in pain constantly with marriage? How do we manage to keep it going

with pain being such a big focus?

Christy,

My husband has had to take on lots of new duties including being my nurse, my

caretaker, my moderator, etc. It is a stress on the marriage. However I think

I still have a healthy marriage.

I tell him often how much I appreciate all that he does: paying the bills,

doing the dishes, sitting up with me while I vomit, making sure I get my

medication, that I moderate my activity so I'm not doing too much, and so on.

When I can, I try to do things to help him out. I do try to do the dishes, fold

the laundry, etc. I try to brew coffee and fill his thermos before class.

Little things, but they help. He loves seeing me be more functional. He

worries more when I am less functional.

I know my limitations and I try not to overdo it. He knows my limitations and

does not push me past them.

I am not always up to sex. But on the rare occasions when I am, I try to

initiate to let him know that I still desire him. I also tell him how active or

how careful we need to be during sex. Not what would be considered to be the

sexiest of topics, but ones that are necessary for both of us. Him so he

doesn't hurt me and feel guilty. Me so I don't get hurt.

When I am not up for sexual activity, I try to snuggle with him. Even if just

for a few minutes before going to sleep. Sometimes lay in bed and rub each

other's feet.

When he's sick, I try to go the extra step and take care of him. Yeah, sure,

that might make my pain worse, but the pain is going to be with me forever.

Being sick isn't going to be with him forever.

I have to remember that he is not a mind reader. I have to tell him things that

he might have assumed earlier in our marriage. I have to say what I am

thinking. I have to communicate with him about my pain levels since I am fairly

good at hiding it. That doesn't mean that I have to give him a 30-minute

lecture about my pain. Instead, I say today is a pain level 5 and my abdominal

pain and nausea are bothering me the most.

I think all couples find their own paths to successful marriages chronic pain or

not. Chronic pain just adds one more stress to the relationship.

For us, I got terribly sick, lost my job, we went bankrupt, we lost the house we

owned and the house we were building. I'm no longer that sick and we've

adjusted to all of the rest. For , he has regained a partially functional

wife.

Expectation management is the key to happiness. Fortunately, he under-expects

what I can do, so he is thrilled with anything I get done. Makes me one of the

luckiest women on the face of the Earth!