Re: [c_p]Family-Response to Pain conditions

[Guest guest]

>Melani wrote:

> I have been thinking about why this makes me mad and have come to this

> Conclusion. I would just like for her, or my sister, to say they are sorry

> that this has happened to me, or they understand how I might feel having my

> 'old life' taken away from me, and my plans for the future forcible

> changed. Is that unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I know they don't care

> to hear the medical details. But I guess I just want some acknowledgement

> of this major change in my life. Maybe I shouldn't care what they think or

say ... just don't know.

Melani

This is my " hell " if you will let me use that word. My Sister has said, I don't

like to talk to you as it depresses me and I can't do anything for you, I feel

helpless also. Everything your wrote makes sense and is very common.

This is a normal response and when I treated cancer patients, they actually

ended up encouraging the family and had no one to vent to and I would listen to

them.

That was in the seventies and now they rotate the techs and also give the

families opportunity for counseling.

I have taken the MRI to my 92 year old Dad and my Mom had a bad back and ended

up being bed bound and I had helped him on his farm and was having such bad back

spasms, I explained to him and said I have to be off my feet eight hours, Daddy

so the spasm stop and I am going to take a muscle relaxant and it makes me

groggy. Well up until this year, he has told me I just want to be on dope, I

can overcome this, I shouldn't be taking that medication.

Of course, I reduce my meds when I drive so I stay in high levels of pain to

visit him and feel guilty if I do not lift the feed, help change a tractor tire,

give cows shots, shove them in trailers to go to auction. My dogs love it and I

would to but it hurts me physically. My Dad finally got Dad in his back and

can't get up and do things and he talks about it fear and I understand that

fear. Fear of unable to be independent.

Anger is a normal response and get anger, it helps us get rid of the stress and

it is the body's response to stress we don't want.

The point is your family wants you to be the person that helped them not the

other way around, Pain and simple.

They are being immature and trying their own way to deal with you being in pain

and feel helpless. Unfortunately, family members do not go to counseling but my

former Doctor required a family member to come to appointments so he could

address issues such as this. He would tell me to tell my family " I need you to

listen to me vent and tell me I am still important to this family and loved. " Of

course, they are not' knowledgeable about these things and I feel like they are

saying " Well, why did you get sick, who is going to make the pumpkin roll at

Thanksgiving, you always make the pumpkin roll "

Last year, this is very emotional for me sorry, he came and lied beside me in

the big king size bed him and Mom would lie in and talk. I had my two dogs, his

two dogs and he came and laid where my Mom laid (whom I loved dearly) and had

tears in his eyes and said " I just can't stand to see you disabled. "

I told him I understood and I can't stand to see me disabled but they actually

mean " I don't want to SEE YOU because if I can't see you or talk to you then I

can pretend you are well.

Then you have to console them when you (me) are the ones who need it the most.

Yes, you have to be selfish and think of yourself, its called survivorship and

every drop of energy should be spent on you but most people are used to giving

to others so we reach out to our families, who in turn, hurt us.

Bennie

[Guest guest]

My husband says, " I'm in worse shape than you are, and I still get up and go to

work every day. "

It's true, but he has just one more year to get his 25-year full retirement

benefits, and he forgets how much energy and effort I contribute to his dietary

needs, lunches, pain relief, first aid, household upkeep, shopping and errands.

When he says things like, " Those medications aren't helping you get any better "

to me, I want to scratch his eyes out! I know he is really saying, " Those

medications are making you less helpful to me. "

I was recently reminded why it was that I stopped working, when his job required

him to work day shift for a whole week. He came home grumpy, started throwing

stuff around, and muttering about how I had all day to empty the dishwasher,

fold the laundry.

He did that when I was working, too, as if my job wasn't valuable to me as his

job was to him. When I quit working, it was because I was worn out from working

two jobs (household work and paycheck-earning work), while he has always worked

just one job.

Taking care of your kids and household should also be considered an occupation

of itself. It's no wonder I burned out before my time!Some men are way more

immature than our children. When he starts in on that head-trip, I walk away and

thank him for giving me my own room!

The point is your family wants you to be the person that helped them not the

other way around, Pain and simple.

[they say things like] " I just can't stand to see you disabled. "