Re: Hello I am new/Melani

[Guest guest]

Melani wrote:

> I have been thinking about why this makes me mad and have come to this

> conclusion. I would just like for her, or my sister, to say they are sorry

> that this has happened to me, or they understand how I might feel having my

> 'old life' taken away from me, and my plans for the future forcible

> changed. Is that unreasonable? Am I being selfish?

Hi Melani

I don't think you are being selfish, but you are using wishful thinking.

The only person we have any control over is ourselves. You can't will

people to be what we want or to say what we want. Perhaps your Mum and

sister find it very hard to deal with your disability and would rather

avoid talking about it altogether. Just as you want them to respect

your wishes, you also have to respect theirs.

We can't force others to understand what we are going through. Even

though all of us in this group are coping with pain, each of us handles

it differently. Those of us who have been dealing with pain for many,

many years realize that what we want from others and what we get are

often very different things.

Your Mum, Dad, and sister love you. They just have different ways of

coping. Please cut them some slack. If they bring the subject up, then

talk about it - but don't whine. :-) If they don't ask how you are,

then just talk about everything else but how you are.

Please let go of wanting them to be something they are not and to say

something they are not comfortable saying.

I've been dealing with chronic pain since I was three years old. I'm

fifty-eight now. In that fifty-five years, I've watched many different

reactions when someone learns that I hurt all the time. Some want to

smother me with care, others want to ignore it completely, and still

others just take it as that's part of who I am. It's a real catch all.

Just live your life to the best of your ability. Enjoy your friends.

If you're short on friends, get out and make a couple. Join something

that doesn't completely wear you out. Don't make a show of having a

disability, as that makes lots of people uncomfortable. It shouldn't,

but it does. I think they're worried that it could happen to them too.

I hope that's helpful. Welcome to the group. We're a pretty good

bunch. (most of the time :-)

Lyndi

Moderator

[Guest guest]

There's nothing wrong with wishing as long as you wish for positive things.

Surround yourself with people who are positive, spend little time around

negative people. Spend as much time taking care of yourself as you need to.

That's not being selfish, none of us properly cares for ourselves (sometimes we

can't do it right) and I believe that we reap what we sow.

I believe it's in our nature to complain, more so when nobody is there to

console us when we are in need.

We have a saying in our house. " Do the right things, make the right decisions "

Basically do right and think about things before you act. Nobody is perfect,

not one single person. I believe in Love. I try to right myself when I become

angry and perhaps forget to be loving. Of course, if someone takes advantage

over and over, I distance myself from them. I don't want to be a fool.

Melani, it's ok to be unhappy about our illnesses. Every time we lose a part of

ourselves, our abilities, it's like a little death and grief always follows

loss.

Love,

Jennette

>Melani wrote:

>Lyndi and Ben,

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. Different views and approaches for me

to think about.

>Lyndi, as I was reading your message I have to say that I experienced more

anger and strong negative feelings. The phrase wishful thinking really bothered

me, because I realized it was true. In some ways I want to hang on to this

desire that they acknowledge my difficulties and possible outcome. But, you are

right. I cannot make them feel or say these things.

>And I need to expend my energy on things that can actually happen in my life,

that I can do.