Hard Lessons Not Yet Learned

[Guest guest]

My sister-in-law's mother died 2 weeks ago. So and I went down to pet

sit. They have 4 dogs, including one that cannot walk. Another was a very

abused Chow-mix who had both retinas knocked loose and had his hearing damaged.

They have a German Shepard who dislikes many people. She was also abused. But

she seems to love us.

They have a parrot who is great for me but doesn't like - giggle.

And, wait for it, my brother is a big snake collector. The garage is now a

herpetarium. He has over 100 snakes and an assorted number of turtles and

lizards. Of course, to feed the snakes, he also has his own breeding colonies

of rats and mice. My father was a herpetologist so I a grew up catching all

sorts of things. Snakes don't bother me at all. I really don't like feeding

them. I have too much empathy for the rodents. But they don't have to be feed

while I am there.

So we go down and basically have a ton of fun. carried the disabled dog

around and takes her out on potty breaks. We play with the dogs. We watch

movies and eat popcorn. I play with the parrot. I check on the snakes making

sure no one died, checking that the garage stays warm, and the rodents have food

and water. One of the dogs comes with me to check on the garage and to get a bit

of rodent chow as a treat. All good fun, right?

Then someone, and I am not going to name names, trips over a dang dust mite and

breaks her leg. That was on Sunday. So I decide maybe I can help out. My

brother doesn't get back until Monday night. I need to be in town on Thursday

and Friday for doctor's appointments anyway. I can stay with my father for the

week. This shouldn't be any big deal, right?

It is only a 15 minute drive to the office to help dust mite lady out. I don't

actually have to DO anything. If I can answer the phone when it rings, that

would be grand. Otherwise it goes to voice mail. I have a few things that can

be done. A mailing begging for donations needed to be printed, folded, stuffed

into envelopes, sealed, labeled, stamped, sorted, counted and a cover sheet for

the Post Office prepared. I got the first few steps done. I also needed to

print up an agenda and attend one meeting that I was planning on attending

anyway. No biggie. I did do a couple phone calls to set up a benefit concert.

I made progress.

In the meantime, I can check my own emails, listen to whatever I want over the

web. I can come and go as I please. I don't get there before noon and I leave

around 4 every day. I do that on Tuesday and Wednesday before I completely

collapse. I make it to my doctor's appointments on Thursday. I get to my

father's Thursday around 4 and crawl into bed. I sleep until noon on Friday -

missing my mammogram. I do make my afternoon appointment. Then picks me

up and drives me home to my own bed. I sleep another 15 hours.

Nobody seems to be surprized that I did myself in other than me. Dust mite

lady, and friends all thought I'd overdo it. All told me I would. All

checked on me multiple times a day to remind me to moderate, to go home before I

got tired, to get sleep. I really, really tried not to overdo it. I took care

to eat right, get my sleep, take it easy, blah, blah, blah.

And, okay, this is not the first time this has happened. I know intellectually

that I have to have at least one down day between each active day. That is a

minimum. I know that.

I know I am struggling with loss. I know that as Hal Hartley said

" I want the image I have of myself and myself to become one in the same. " To

paraphrase that " I want the image I USED to have of myself and myself to become

one in the same " . I know that the critical operation there is " the image I USED

to have of myself " and that that image has to change. I know that. I know a

whole lot of things.

And, still. I continue to overdo it even when I am trying so very much not to.

I am certainly not ready to give up on life. But at the same time, I can't seem

to set appropriate goals for myself.

Any suggestions on how to stop being stupid? How do I stop doing things I know

will do me in? How to recognize when I am being unrealistic in my expectations

of myself?