Guest guest Posted March 23, 2000 Report Share Posted March 23, 2000 Hi, I wanted to run this by you guys and see what you think. My older sister used to drink and drug quite serious, a habit she started by hanging out with the other teens at AlaTeen meetings. She was a teenage mother and had a failed marriage etc. She never worked a job that was on the up and up and sometimes worked for telephone sex lines. Right before she got sober, she started funding her habit by hooking. About 5 years ago she went into a rehab run by the Salvation Army and left both her boys in foster care. I believe that they used a lot of 12 step doctrine, but they also required that she attend their "chapel" while she lived in their program which was for about 9 mos to a year. While she was in rehab she met a man and secretly started dating because fratrinization among males and females was prohibited. Eventually the two were found out and were expelled from the program. The two of them lived together after that, got both his and her children back, and married last year. Since then, the entire family has dove deep into the Salvation Army church and both of them have become officers. My sister, and her husband, have both become model citizens. She had gotten a very respectable job with the US postal service, and moved very quickly up through the ranks. By the time she left last fall she was 2nd in command in her department and made numerous trips to Washington D.C. and all over the country training people for that department. She has since moved on to another fairly high powered job, and this is a woman with only a high school diploma. They recently bought a nice luxury home, in the Biltmore area. The familys involvement in the church is perfect. They attend church every Sunday, youth groups, womens groups, a couples group, and some officer groups. The are almost constantly at the church doing something. My sister, the ex druggie, ex prostitute has become a perfect church lady that even takes the teens out of town for retreats. At christmas time, my sister gave me a letter that said that it was only through her devotion and life with god that she has been able to obtain such wonderful things in life and that it was her greatest desire to share god with me. I respectfully declined her offer and told her I would deal with my spirituality when I was done being pissed off at god. I know that this all sounds wonderful that she has gotten her life back and even better than it was before. Only problem is I dont know her anymore. I can't joke with her like I used to. She gets upset if I say god damn it or if I mention sex of any kind. When I went over her house for christmas when her husband left the room she walked up to my purse and slipped money in it and told me she knew I needed it and to not tell her husband. She has done several "charitable" things for me behind her husbands back. Her and her husband both bought my son clothes at the beginning of the school year. (Before she never really gave a crap about me.) I was starting to get immensly jealous of her life until a few months back I called her up and I was talking to her about our childhood. Her response was that I live too much in the past and that she didnt WANT to know anymore about our childhood. She basically said that it was her not dealing with things that have happened to us in our past that has allowed her to gain so much. Just by the way she said it I realized that she was trying very very hard to repress the things in life that have been immensly painful for her, and sometimes even deny that things ever happened. The scary part is that at times, she seems almost too happy, too perfect. Underneath I am not really sure that she is happy at all. I know that in some ways she does a lot of the things she does out of fear of not pleasing her husband or the church. I really worry about her, actually about all of them in that house. It looks perfect, it smells perfect, but something isnt perfect. All I can do is sit and watch her perfect little life and hope that the house of cards dont come falling down. I almost get the feeling that what she has gotten involved in, the Salvation Army, is a cult. I cant put my finger on it. I am really wondering if anyone else here sees a problem with this or if in fact I am just a jealous sister projecting (and maybe even hoping) misfortune and misery on a successful sister. Let me know what you think. Louree Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2000 Report Share Posted March 23, 2000 Hi Louree. I definitely do NOT think you're just jealous. From where I'm sitting, it looks like your sister found something that works for her (the Salvation Army), and she's built her life around it. She wants to share it with you, but the option of God/religion just doesn't work for everybody; if it did there wouldn't be a need for 12 step free, cuz we'd all be happy in XA. I understand your concern about what would happen if her beliefs failed her, but I don't think you can protect her from herself. If she chooses not to think about her past, there's not much you can do. It doesn't mean you're wrong in examining your past. To me, it means that you're strong enough to look at what happened in your childhood. Not everyone is strong enough to do that. Judith " snazy " wrote: original article:/group/12-step-free/?start=13855 > Hi, > I wanted to run this by you guys and see what you think. (snip) > I almost get the feeling that what she has gotten involved in, the Salvation Army, is a cult. I cant put my finger on it. I am really wondering if anyone else here sees a problem with this or if in fact I am just a jealous sister projecting (and maybe even hoping) misfortune and misery on a successful sister. > Let me know what you think. > Louree Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2000 Report Share Posted March 23, 2000 Louree, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, "It looks perfect, smells perfect, but something isn't perfect." I felt the same way about AA. By avoiding the head on, often very painful approach to dealing with our history, we risk the consequences of seeing life crumble under our feet when our coping mechanisms (in the case of your sister it would be belong to the Salvation Army community) fail us. I have seen it before. A person becomes involved in that thing they believe can "save" them. In fact, they put all of their eggs in that one basket so to speak. When they have an issue with that thing they believe to be their saving grace and find they are no longer a part of that community all is lost, and they find that the things that used to haunt them are still there. I am not sure if the Salvation Army is like AA in respect to community structure. I'm guessing though that it is in that it has rules that if violated would make a member not eligible to be a part of that group. If this be so, it is my hope for your sister that she find a way to base her self image on more than just how that group sees her. In a way I think that we who left AA are more fortunate than others because we were able to see that there was not much that was life sustaining there for us, as that veil of love and acceptance of us the way we were and are was thin and transparent. I think that your concern for your sister is legitimate Louree. I know that having the trappings of a "normal" life never made me happy. If the Salvation Army is anything like AA they will ask their members to give all credit for their accomplishments to god. It is difficult to see how a person can have a sense of accomplishment as a functioning member of society if they feel like they didn't do anything to achieve these goals. So indeed, this house of cards you speak of in very fragile. llawrence@... Salvation Army Hi, I wanted to run this by you guys and see what you think. My older sister used to drink and drug quite serious, a habit she started by hanging out with the other teens at AlaTeen meetings. She was a teenage mother and had a failed marriage etc. She never worked a job that was on the up and up and sometimes worked for telephone sex lines. Right before she got sober, she started funding her habit by hooking. About 5 years ago she went into a rehab run by the Salvation Army and left both her boys in foster care. I believe that they used a lot of 12 step doctrine, but they also required that she attend their "chapel" while she lived in their program which was for about 9 mos to a year. While she was in rehab she met a man and secretly started dating because fratrinization among males and females was prohibited. Eventually the two were found out and were expelled from the program. The two of them lived together after that, got both his and her children back, and married last year. Since then, the entire family has dove deep into the Salvation Army church and both of them have become officers. My sister, and her husband, have both become model citizens. She had gotten a very respectable job with the US postal service, and moved very quickly up through the ranks. By the time she left last fall she was 2nd in command in her department and made numerous trips to Washington D.C. and all over the country training people for that department. She has since moved on to another fairly high powered job, and this is a woman with only a high school diploma. They recently bought a nice luxury home, in the Biltmore area. The familys involvement in the church is perfect. They attend church every Sunday, youth groups, womens groups, a couples group, and some officer groups. The are almost constantly at the church doing something. My sister, the ex druggie, ex prostitute has become a perfect church lady that even takes the teens out of town for retreats. At christmas time, my sister gave me a letter that said that it was only through her devotion and life with god that she has been able to obtain such wonderful things in life and that it was her greatest desire to share god with me. I respectfully declined her offer and told her I would deal with my spirituality when I was done being pissed off at god. I know that this all sounds wonderful that she has gotten her life back and even better than it was before. Only problem is I dont know her anymore. I can't joke with her like I used to. She gets upset if I say god damn it or if I mention sex of any kind. When I went over her house for christmas when her husband left the room she walked up to my purse and slipped money in it and told me she knew I needed it and to not tell her husband. She has done several "charitable" things for me behind her husbands back. Her and her husband both bought my son clothes at the beginning of the school year. (Before she never really gave a crap about me.) I was starting to get immensly jealous of her life until a few months back I called her up and I was talking to her about our childhood. Her response was that I live too much in the past and that she didnt WANT to know anymore about our childhood. She basically said that it was her not dealing with things that have happened to us in our past that has allowed her to gain so much. Just by the way she said it I realized that she was trying very very hard to repress the things in life that have been immensly painful for her, and sometimes even deny that things ever happened. The scary part is that at times, she seems almost too happy, too perfect. Underneath I am not really sure that she is happy at all. I know that in some ways she does a lot of the things she does out of fear of not pleasing her husband or the church. I really worry about her, actually about all of them in that house. It looks perfect, it smells perfect, but something isnt perfect. All I can do is sit and watch her perfect little life and hope that the house of cards dont come falling down. I almost get the feeling that what she has gotten involved in, the Salvation Army, is a cult. I cant put my finger on it. I am really wondering if anyone else here sees a problem with this or if in fact I am just a jealous sister projecting (and maybe even hoping) misfortune and misery on a successful sister. Let me know what you think. Louree eGroups.com Home: /group/12-step-freewww. - Simplifying group communications Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 23, 2000 Report Share Posted March 23, 2000 Louree: sounds like sis is an extremist -- either extremely " bad " or extremely " good. " She probably lacks the self-esteem to realize she can be a decent person without some kind of " program. " I'd try not to worry too much about her. At least she's physically safe now, which she wouldn't be if she was still on the streets. She has the rest of her life to figure out whether the Salvation Army is a cult. If she'd stayed a hooker, she might be dead by now. I don't think you're just being jealous of your " successful " sister. Your concerns are completely understandable given your own background and experiences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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