Angry at AA(kind of long)

[Guest guest]

Hello all,

I know its Christmas and everyone's supposed to act upbeat, but I'm in

a bad mood. I am angry at AA. Every year for the past 15 years, my

family has gotten together on Christmas Eve or Christmas day to

exchange gifts. Well, my brother who has been in AA for several years

has decided not to join us this year. Instead he's going on some AA

retreat to give toys to poverty stricken kids. He made sure to point out

to me via his message that he was doing community service work with his

AA pals. Anyway, I'm writing this alone in my apartment on Christmas

Eve when I should be with my family. But my Dad decided to postpone our

Christmas till Sunday so my brother could attend.

It wasn't always this way. My brother used to like to be around the

family. But ever since he " saw the light " in AA he avoids the family

like the plague. He sees us as being diseased or in denial or unhealthy

to be around. I see him as arrogant and judgemental. In a way I'm glad

he's not attending. He's no fun to be around anymore. Ever since he's

joined AA he's become this do-gooder perfectionist. He got a 4.0 GPA

in college, works 60 hours a week now, does service work, doesn't drink

or eat fast food. He doesn't even listen to potentially unhealthy

music anymore. To be honest, he's a pain in the ass. I feel like I have

be careful whenever around him. Plus he doesn't like me. Sees me as

being the enemy. Never wants to talk to me.

Why do I blame AA? Because this is what AA does to families. AA

has encouraged my brother to avoid people, places and things that are a

threat to your serenity. So since people in my family drink we are

dangerous. And even though I don't drink, I'm still dangerous because

I don't attend AA.

And everyone tells me how great my brother is. How well he's doing.

Sure he does a lot of perfect things. But he's still no fun to be

around. He can't lighten up around anyone but other AA people. He's

a jerk around me. But when I see him at an AA meeting he's nice to me.

To be honest, I was beating myself up tonight for introducing my

brother to AA. I started going before him and at the time I encouraged

him to go. I showed him what meetings to attend and introduced him to

people. And its backfired on me! I wish I never would of gotten involved

in AA. Its brought nothing good to my life. I've only finally stopped

drinking thanks to antidepressants, therapy and my own self will.

AA damaged my relationship with my family for years. Its only now

I'm beginning to trust them again and not see them as out to get me.

But this is what the 12 steps and big book do to people. I don't

blame my brother. I know he's a good person who means well. I just

hate to see this happen. Plus, I personally feel guilty every time

I go around my family because my brother makes me wonder if I'm

" in denial " or just not seeing something. My family is nice to me.

And they don't have to be. My brother takes that for granted.

I hate what AA has done to me too. Its made me untrustworthy,

judgemental and very, very confused. I " m trying to undo the damage

by avoiding 12 step literature. I'm in trouble if I start thinking

that earth people are out to get me or trying to get me drunk again.

Or that they " just can't understand me. " All my family wants me

to do is be successful and happy.

And my brother while successful on paper is not happy. Every

time I see him he looks liks crap. His hair's all messed up and he

looks really depressed. And he talks about suicide and god a lot.

My main fear is that he's going to become another AA suicide.

Like the other people I " ve known in AA who killed themself while

sober and in the program.

If my brother ever kills himself while in AA I'm going to sue

the damn " fellowship. " He won't talk to me anymore. If I ask him

" how ya' doing " he gets mad at me.

These are just my fears. My brother might truly be happy inside. But

like a lot of AA members I know, I just don't see it. Not unless

serenity means being angry, miserable, paranoid and egotistical.

Had to get this out somewhere. Thankfully I have this outlet.

Thanks, Matt

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