Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 Marie, I think it's great that you have tried to help her for as long as you have. But really and truly, she has a right to be as destructive as she wants. She also has a right to be destructive while not comprehending. You cannot change her until she chooses to change. I don't think in situations like this there are ever easy answers, but you as mom & wife have to protect/support self, husband, and child before you are even able to help others. My op, Grandma is only enabling her. Yes we want to love & support our family all we can, but when they don't want that support it's not support at that point. My thought is to let them both know you love them and if she's ready for help then you're there for her but because of destructive behavior x, y, & z you cannot be what she wants you to be. I think that is very fair. There are special needs adults who are very dependable, respectful, etc. Then there are typical people who lie, are untrustworthy, and have no respect for self/others. Some of her disability may make it more difficult to know the difference, but it doesn't dismiss her need to take responsibility. Just my op, Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 Marie, I think it's great that you have tried to help her for as long as you have. But really and truly, she has a right to be as destructive as she wants. She also has a right to be destructive while not comprehending. You cannot change her until she chooses to change. I don't think in situations like this there are ever easy answers, but you as mom & wife have to protect/support self, husband, and child before you are even able to help others. My op, Grandma is only enabling her. Yes we want to love & support our family all we can, but when they don't want that support it's not support at that point. My thought is to let them both know you love them and if she's ready for help then you're there for her but because of destructive behavior x, y, & z you cannot be what she wants you to be. I think that is very fair. There are special needs adults who are very dependable, respectful, etc. Then there are typical people who lie, are untrustworthy, and have no respect for self/others. Some of her disability may make it more difficult to know the difference, but it doesn't dismiss her need to take responsibility. Just my op, Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 Marie, I think it's great that you have tried to help her for as long as you have. But really and truly, she has a right to be as destructive as she wants. She also has a right to be destructive while not comprehending. You cannot change her until she chooses to change. I don't think in situations like this there are ever easy answers, but you as mom & wife have to protect/support self, husband, and child before you are even able to help others. My op, Grandma is only enabling her. Yes we want to love & support our family all we can, but when they don't want that support it's not support at that point. My thought is to let them both know you love them and if she's ready for help then you're there for her but because of destructive behavior x, y, & z you cannot be what she wants you to be. I think that is very fair. There are special needs adults who are very dependable, respectful, etc. Then there are typical people who lie, are untrustworthy, and have no respect for self/others. Some of her disability may make it more difficult to know the difference, but it doesn't dismiss her need to take responsibility. Just my op, Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 Thanks, Debi. I have to keep telling myself, so that it sinks in, that I don't need to be dragged in emotionally. I need to be able to tell Grandma that as long as she is enabling Barbie in her behavior, I can't help her. As I say that, I am thinking, does that mean I don't keep going to these appts & try to talk the case mgr into getting more services for her & coach grandma on how to advocate for Barbie? For me, my problem is that I have to mull over stuff, think about things over & over; then sometimes thoughts are created. Otherwise, if *I go on " just going on " with my daily life & not plan/think, nothing happens. So....if I want to help Barbie I have to spend lots of my time/emotion thinking about her & that's where the energy sink comes in & makes me tired. So....how do I let go? I have to consciously tell myself, " don't think about it " & turn it off, which is hard. I ALMOST had the concept of what you were saying, about loving them & when she turns her life around & stops this destructive behavior, I will help her. I " got it " for a fleeting moment; I guess I'll have to reread your words over & over to really let it sink in. Do I have the guts to tell Barbie that I will help her when she's ready for help & as long as she continues in " that " behavior, I can't help her & turn a blind eye to it. I hate my " what ifs " thinking; it creates such turmoil.* Thanks for your great advice. > Marie, I think it's great that you have tried to help her for as long > as you have. But really and truly, she has a right to be as > destructive as she wants. She also has a right to be destructive while > not comprehending. You cannot change her until she chooses to change. > I don't think in situations like this there are ever easy answers, but > you as mom & wife have to protect/support self, husband, and child > before you are even able to help others. > > My op, Grandma is only enabling her. Yes we want to love & support our > family all we can, but when they don't want that support it's not > support at that point. My thought is to let them both know you love > them and if she's ready for help then you're there for her but because > of destructive behavior x, y, & z you cannot be what she wants you to > be. I think that is very fair. > > There are special needs adults who are very dependable, respectful, > etc. Then there are typical people who lie, are untrustworthy, and > have no respect for self/others. Some of her disability may make it > more difficult to know the difference, but it doesn't dismiss her need > to take responsibility. > > Just my op, > Debi > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Autism_in_Girls-subscribe > ------------------------ > Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links > > > > -- Marie A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 Thanks, Debi. I have to keep telling myself, so that it sinks in, that I don't need to be dragged in emotionally. I need to be able to tell Grandma that as long as she is enabling Barbie in her behavior, I can't help her. As I say that, I am thinking, does that mean I don't keep going to these appts & try to talk the case mgr into getting more services for her & coach grandma on how to advocate for Barbie? For me, my problem is that I have to mull over stuff, think about things over & over; then sometimes thoughts are created. Otherwise, if *I go on " just going on " with my daily life & not plan/think, nothing happens. So....if I want to help Barbie I have to spend lots of my time/emotion thinking about her & that's where the energy sink comes in & makes me tired. So....how do I let go? I have to consciously tell myself, " don't think about it " & turn it off, which is hard. I ALMOST had the concept of what you were saying, about loving them & when she turns her life around & stops this destructive behavior, I will help her. I " got it " for a fleeting moment; I guess I'll have to reread your words over & over to really let it sink in. Do I have the guts to tell Barbie that I will help her when she's ready for help & as long as she continues in " that " behavior, I can't help her & turn a blind eye to it. I hate my " what ifs " thinking; it creates such turmoil.* Thanks for your great advice. > Marie, I think it's great that you have tried to help her for as long > as you have. But really and truly, she has a right to be as > destructive as she wants. She also has a right to be destructive while > not comprehending. You cannot change her until she chooses to change. > I don't think in situations like this there are ever easy answers, but > you as mom & wife have to protect/support self, husband, and child > before you are even able to help others. > > My op, Grandma is only enabling her. Yes we want to love & support our > family all we can, but when they don't want that support it's not > support at that point. My thought is to let them both know you love > them and if she's ready for help then you're there for her but because > of destructive behavior x, y, & z you cannot be what she wants you to > be. I think that is very fair. > > There are special needs adults who are very dependable, respectful, > etc. Then there are typical people who lie, are untrustworthy, and > have no respect for self/others. Some of her disability may make it > more difficult to know the difference, but it doesn't dismiss her need > to take responsibility. > > Just my op, > Debi > > > > > ------------------------------------ > > Autism_in_Girls-subscribe > ------------------------ > Autism_in_Girls-unsubscribe@...! Groups Links > > > > -- Marie A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 I am SO MUCH the same way! I obsess on things constantly. Have you tried talking with Barbie? Maybe if you phrase it toward you & not her. Something like a, " Barbie/Grandma, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I see you making really bad choices and I don't know how to help you without worrying about you constantly. How can I stay in your life an not be so burdened by your actions? " Maybe you & her can work on it together. I have found when an issue like that arises, I can take a big step back and still be around that person, but I don't feel connected. It's that feeling of connection I want to have, but perhaps that connected feeling I expect is not a healthy thing? I dunno, just thinking out loud. Also, how to we step back from our expectations without the other person not being angry that we stopped expecting anything from them? I've been through this with a couple of family members. I try to change my attitude of not expecting closeness from them, then they get mad I don't have a closer attitude. Like the bumper sticker says, the more people I know, the more I like my dog! Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 I am SO MUCH the same way! I obsess on things constantly. Have you tried talking with Barbie? Maybe if you phrase it toward you & not her. Something like a, " Barbie/Grandma, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I see you making really bad choices and I don't know how to help you without worrying about you constantly. How can I stay in your life an not be so burdened by your actions? " Maybe you & her can work on it together. I have found when an issue like that arises, I can take a big step back and still be around that person, but I don't feel connected. It's that feeling of connection I want to have, but perhaps that connected feeling I expect is not a healthy thing? I dunno, just thinking out loud. Also, how to we step back from our expectations without the other person not being angry that we stopped expecting anything from them? I've been through this with a couple of family members. I try to change my attitude of not expecting closeness from them, then they get mad I don't have a closer attitude. Like the bumper sticker says, the more people I know, the more I like my dog! Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 I am SO MUCH the same way! I obsess on things constantly. Have you tried talking with Barbie? Maybe if you phrase it toward you & not her. Something like a, " Barbie/Grandma, I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I see you making really bad choices and I don't know how to help you without worrying about you constantly. How can I stay in your life an not be so burdened by your actions? " Maybe you & her can work on it together. I have found when an issue like that arises, I can take a big step back and still be around that person, but I don't feel connected. It's that feeling of connection I want to have, but perhaps that connected feeling I expect is not a healthy thing? I dunno, just thinking out loud. Also, how to we step back from our expectations without the other person not being angry that we stopped expecting anything from them? I've been through this with a couple of family members. I try to change my attitude of not expecting closeness from them, then they get mad I don't have a closer attitude. Like the bumper sticker says, the more people I know, the more I like my dog! Debi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 19, 2009 Report Share Posted November 19, 2009 Hello folks, My husband has a job interview today with a man who will most likely die soon from cancer. He is looking for a replacement for himself. I have the man's e-mail address and would like to send him information under a fictitious address and name, about the Gerson Therapy. Can I do that without being found out? He is a computer genius. Thanks, Joan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks, That would mean a four hour ride and then taking a ferry. I have his address but I can't risk any kind of connection to my husband, unless the interview doesn't pan out. Joan > I'd probably print it out and leave it in his mailbox. I did that to a farmer once to tell them about PASA - they were ideally situated to change their focus to direct marketing and sustainable agrotourism. They seem to have taken the hint, too as now they have a CSA, direct market meat and eggs, and are shifting more and more to grass/pasture and organic. > > Speaking of that, sometimes people just need a support system - is there a Gerson group or other support group? I'd imagine he'd like to meet people trying it and see what they have to say. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted November 20, 2009 Report Share Posted November 20, 2009 Mail it from a mailbox, with no return address? > > Thanks, That would mean a four hour ride and then taking a ferry. I have his address but I can't risk any kind of connection to my husband, unless the interview doesn't pan out. > > Joan > > > > I'd probably print it out and leave it in his mailbox. I did that to a farmer once to tell them about PASA - they were ideally situated to change their focus to direct marketing and sustainable agrotourism. They seem to have taken the hint, too as now they have a CSA, direct market meat and eggs, and are shifting more and more to grass/pasture and organic. > > > > Speaking of that, sometimes people just need a support system - is there a Gerson group or other support group? I'd imagine he'd like to meet people trying it and see what they have to say. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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