Re: No Subject (went off on a tangent of my own too lol)

[Guest guest]

I know what you mean. I feel very safe in my wall of fat. I've created it to protect myself from unwanted sexual attention, or social situations. I was making great progress in my IE and then I got cornered by my landlord (my married landlord) and he asked if he could kiss me. (NO LIE!) And I suddenly came to a halt in my progress, I didn't regress but I didn't make anymore progress with IE. And it was then that I realized then that my fat was my protection from a father who was physically inappropriate. I decided very young that I didn't want to love, when secretly I was saying no one could love me. I built my own tower of fat and sequestered myself inside of it for years. I thought that any man who scaled the tower would be worthy of me, would make me wake up and love myself and I would shed my "fat-self" and emerge a princess if only I could find my prince. I'm only now starting to realize I never

needed prince charming, that each brick of said tower was a choice I made to protect myself, a bite of food I took to make it all better or a promise I'd never love and so never be hurt. It is these kind of realizations that hurt, because I begin to realize that overeating is not the wound, it is the band-aid. And to take away that band-aid I have to relive these feelings of a scared and desperate child and it terrifies me. I feel lost, abandoned and anxious. I feel like I want food because that was always there for me before and it is so hard to explain to my adult self that food was okay for the child, but for the woman I need a fix, not a band-aid. I get depressed and have anxiety attacks, my body hurts like I've been physically hit, I'm exhausted after each IE exercise... Its hard for me to realize that unless I stop looking at food as my problem I'll never realize what it really is. I keep saying, I didn't eat IE today... as if that is the problem. No the real problem is that a man checked me out, or I've got too many things to do and not enough time for myself. Food is just a way to say, I'll eat it away and deal with it in the morning. Or the Teddy Bear or the Blanket I can't leave behind, if I don't have that thin shred of protection then its going to be bad, worse, hurtful, painful, undoable.... Sorry no nice conclusion, I'm on my lunch break lol! Just some of the painful realizations I've had with IE. But all good ones too! -Kim S.

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[Guest guest]

For me Kim, it was an older brother. And the last time I dated and really liked the man and felt a huge attraction, and he actually liked bigger women, he ended up being married! Once I found out he was married, he told me his wife was dying as if that gave him the right to go out and find someone else. Needless to say, he still sends me cards every holiday and his wife is still living. That was 10 years ago! So yes, the fat protects. How do we get past this? I have no answers. The only thing that has helped me is to re-parent that hurt little girl and let her know that I will take care of her. But stopping and taking the time to listen to her as to what she needs is the hard part. It is much easier and quicker to turn to the food and less painful.

--Alana

-------------- Original message --------------

I know what you mean. I feel very safe in my wall of fat. I've created it to protect myself from unwanted sexual attention, or social situations.

I was making great progress in my IE and then I got cornered by my landlord (my married landlord) and he asked if he could kiss me. (NO LIE!) And I suddenly came to a halt in my progress, I didn't regress but I didn't make anymore progress with IE.

And it was then that I realized then that my fat was my protection from a father who was physically inappropriate. I decided very young that I didn't want to love, when secretly I was saying no one could love me. I built my own tower of fat and sequestered myself inside of it for years. I thought that any man who scaled the tower would be worthy of me, would make me wake up and love myself and I would shed my "fat-self" and emerge a princess if only I could find my prince. I'm only now starting to realize I never needed prince charming, that each brick of said tower was a choice I made to protect myself, a bite of food I took to make it all better or a promise I'd never love and so never be hurt.

It is these kind of realizations that hurt, because I begin to realize that overeating is not the wound, it is the band-aid. And to take away that band-aid I have to relive these feelings of a scared and desperate child and it terrifies me. I feel lost, abandoned and anxious. I feel like I want food because that was always there for me before and it is so hard to explain to my adult self that food was okay for the child, but for the woman I need a fix, not a band-aid.

I get depressed and have anxiety attacks, my body hurts like I've been physically hit, I'm exhausted after each IE exercise... Its hard for me to realize that unless I stop looking at food as my problem I'll never realize what it really is.

I keep saying, I didn't eat IE today... as if that is the problem. No the real problem is that a man checked me out, or I've got too many things to do and not enough time for myself. Food is just a way to say, I'll eat it away and deal with it in the morning. Or the Teddy Bear or the Blanket I can't leave behind, if I don't have that thin shred of protection then its going to be bad, worse, hurtful, painful, undoable....

Sorry no nice conclusion, I'm on my lunch break lol! Just some of the painful realizations I've had with IE. But all good ones too!

-Kim S.

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

[Guest guest]

THIS is the core issue for a lot of us-- me included. I was the

daughter of an extraordinarily beautiful woman who used her looks to

ruin lives. Then, as I grew up and started getting attractive myself,

number one, my mother became jealous. Number two, her husband started

behaving inappropriately. And, number three, other men starting

hitting on me left and right. Cousins, old men, you name it... It was

disgusting.

Well, guess what message I learned? Get fat and no one will bother

you. And, it worked. No one else bothered me BUT ME. I replaced the

scary external attention with self loathing and hatred. I have lost

this weight three times, and each time the attention started again so

I gained it back. I didn't trust myself to handle it and not become

a bitch.

I am now 42 and have three kids and gray hair. I think I am feeling

somewhat safe because I feel that I am too old to get that kind of

unwanted attention again. Besides, I've been doing this work for over

a year now, and I realized that I have to find a way to cope with

this of I will never be at the weight I desire.

My teenage daughter possesses the kind of beauty my mother had. I am

learning from her as she deals with the many boys and men who look at

her aand hit on her. She is a bit arrogant about her beauty, but it's

good for me to watch her. She has no problem saying " You're being

gross, go away. " I love that!

So, yes. This is my issue, and as my weight goes down I am being

given opportunities to deal with it. I suspect now that the gray

hair/old thing isn't going to make a bit of difference. I think that

I have finally learned that beautiful does not equal bitch, and that

I can have understanding and compassion for the many men who want to

be near beauty but don't know how to do it in a non-sexual way. And,

most importantly, I can trust myself not to be fooled by the false

flattery. I believe that I love myself enough now that I don't need

validation from anyone else...

GREAT thread, guys.

[Guest guest]

RE: Well, guess what message I learned? Get fat and no one will bother you. And, it worked. No one else bothered me BUT ME. I replaced the scary external attention with self loathing and hatred. I have lost this weight three times, and each time the attention started again so I gained it back. I didn't trust myself to handle it and not become a bitch.

This is such a relief for me- to read this thread. I though I was the only person (!!!) who used fat as a buffer. I can pin point each time I lost quite a bit of weight, someone would show inappropriate attention (like husband's friend or friend's husband) and within months, the weight was back on. I have lots of work to do in this area, and I'm not quite sure how to start! I am realizing that some of the choices I made as a teenager and 20something have probably helped create some of my internal problem areas. I feel like I'm pulling on a big knot of thread sometimes and I am amazed at what comes out! My binging hasn't abated entirely, but I think I am at least admitting some things I didn't before...

Great thread.

Have a good one,

[Guest guest]

Have you tried therapy? I recently got back into it, with a very

compassionate therapist, and it is helping me a lot. SOmetimes it

feels safer to go through those feelings with someone else,

especially a professional who won't judge you and will support you.

Good uck with everything, and be good to yourself! Take care.

>

> I know what you mean. I feel very safe in my wall of fat. I've

created it to protect myself from unwanted sexual attention, or

social situations.

>

> I was making great progress in my IE and then I got cornered by

my landlord (my married landlord) and he asked if he could kiss me.

(NO LIE!) And I suddenly came to a halt in my progress, I didn't

regress but I didn't make anymore progress with IE.

>

> And it was then that I realized then that my fat was my

protection from a father who was physically inappropriate. I decided

very young that I didn't want to love, when secretly I was saying no

one could love me. I built my own tower of fat and sequestered myself

inside of it for years. I thought that any man who scaled the tower

would be worthy of me, would make me wake up and love myself and I

would shed my " fat-self " and emerge a princess if only I could find

my prince. I'm only now starting to realize I never needed prince

charming, that each brick of said tower was a choice I made to

protect myself, a bite of food I took to make it all better or a

promise I'd never love and so never be hurt.

>

> It is these kind of realizations that hurt, because I begin to

realize that overeating is not the wound, it is the band-aid. And to

take away that band-aid I have to relive these feelings of a scared

and desperate child and it terrifies me. I feel lost, abandoned and

anxious. I feel like I want food because that was always there for me

before and it is so hard to explain to my adult self that food was

okay for the child, but for the woman I need a fix, not a band-aid.

>

> I get depressed and have anxiety attacks, my body hurts like I've

been physically hit, I'm exhausted after each IE exercise... Its hard

for me to realize that unless I stop looking at food as my problem

I'll never realize what it really is.

>

> I keep saying, I didn't eat IE today... as if that is the

problem. No the real problem is that a man checked me out, or I've

got too many things to do and not enough time for myself. Food is

just a way to say, I'll eat it away and deal with it in the morning.

Or the Teddy Bear or the Blanket I can't leave behind, if I don't

have that thin shred of protection then its going to be bad, worse,

hurtful, painful, undoable....

>

>

> Sorry no nice conclusion, I'm on my lunch break lol! Just some of

the painful realizations I've had with IE. But all good ones too!

>

> -Kim S.

>

>

> ---------------------------------

> Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo!

Search.

>

[Guest guest]

You are definately not alone! And I think this is a really interesting and important topic. Just to let you all know, I have allerted Gillian, our mederator and IE coach to this topic to see what feedback and helpful insight she might have for us all to move forward from this.

Take care everyone. Let's remember to be gentle with ourselves. This is a touchy subject and could trigger some things for some people.

--Alana

-------------- Original message --------------

RE: Well, guess what message I learned? Get fat and no one will bother you. And, it worked. No one else bothered me BUT ME. I replaced the scary external attention with self loathing and hatred. I have lost this weight three times, and each time the attention started again so I gained it back. I didn't trust myself to handle it and not become a bitch.

This is such a relief for me- to read this thread. I though I was the only person (!!!) who used fat as a buffer. I can pin point each time I lost quite a bit of weight, someone would show inappropriate attention (like husband's friend or friend's husband) and within months, the weight was back on. I have lots of work to do in this area, and I'm not quite sure how to start! I am realizing that some of the choices I made as a teenager and 20something have probably helped create some of my internal problem areas. I feel like I'm pulling on a big knot of thread sometimes and I am amazed at what comes out! My binging hasn't abated entirely, but I think I am at least admitting some things I didn't before...

Great thread.

Have a good one,

[Guest guest]

This is a very interesting topic. I'm beginning to realize since starting IE that I've been using weight as a shield all my life. It's a vicious cycle isn't it...eat so you stay fat and keep guys away, then eat cause you are depressed that you are fat and don't get any attention from guys.

Be smarter than spam. See how smart SpamGuard is at giving junk email the boot with the All-new Yahoo! Mail

[Guest guest]

Great insight and its easy to see how eating could end up being the

'way' one could protect one's self from unwanted attention.

>

> THIS is the core issue for a lot of us-- me included. I was the

> daughter of an extraordinarily beautiful woman who used her looks to

> ruin lives. Then, as I grew up and started getting attractive myself,

> number one, my mother became jealous. Number two, her husband started

> behaving inappropriately. And, number three, other men starting

> hitting on me left and right. Cousins, old men, you name it... It was

> disgusting.

>

> Well, guess what message I learned? Get fat and no one will bother

> you. And, it worked. No one else bothered me BUT ME. I replaced the

> scary external attention with self loathing and hatred. I have lost

> this weight three times, and each time the attention started again so

> I gained it back. I didn't trust myself to handle it and not become

> a bitch.

>

> I am now 42 and have three kids and gray hair. I think I am feeling

> somewhat safe because I feel that I am too old to get that kind of

> unwanted attention again. Besides, I've been doing this work for over

> a year now, and I realized that I have to find a way to cope with

> this of I will never be at the weight I desire.

>

> My teenage daughter possesses the kind of beauty my mother had. I am

> learning from her as she deals with the many boys and men who look at

> her aand hit on her. She is a bit arrogant about her beauty, but it's

> good for me to watch her. She has no problem saying " You're being

> gross, go away. " I love that!

>

> So, yes. This is my issue, and as my weight goes down I am being

> given opportunities to deal with it. I suspect now that the gray

> hair/old thing isn't going to make a bit of difference. I think that

> I have finally learned that beautiful does not equal bitch, and that

> I can have understanding and compassion for the many men who want to

> be near beauty but don't know how to do it in a non-sexual way. And,

> most importantly, I can trust myself not to be fooled by the false

> flattery. I believe that I love myself enough now that I don't need

> validation from anyone else...

>

> GREAT thread, guys.

>

[Guest guest]

Its not as easy as it sounds, but this can be 'improved' if we can get

ourselves to open your mouth to say NO! instead of putting food into

and onto our bodies to say 'no' for us.

>

> RE: Well, guess what message I learned? Get fat and no one will bother

> you. And, it worked. No one else bothered me BUT ME. I replaced the

> scary external attention with self loathing and hatred. I have lost

> this weight three times, and each time the attention started again so

> I gained it back. I didn't trust myself to handle it and not become

> a bitch.

>

> This is such a relief for me- to read this thread. I though I was

the only person (!!!) who used fat as a buffer. I can pin point each

time I lost quite a bit of weight, someone would show inappropriate

attention (like husband's friend or friend's husband) and within

months, the weight was back on. I have lots of work to do in this

area, and I'm not quite sure how to start! I am realizing that some of

the choices I made as a teenager and 20something have probably helped

create some of my internal problem areas. I feel like I'm pulling on a

big knot of thread sometimes and I am amazed at what comes out! My

binging hasn't abated entirely, but I think I am at least admitting

some things I didn't before...

>

> Great thread.

>

> Have a good one,

>

>

[Guest guest]

This is really good, caring advice, Alana. It is a difficult topic.

Makes me think, in part, of the book, "fat is a feminist issue" by

Susie Orbach. Read it ages ago and somewhere in the recesses of my mind

I'm remembering that being objectified (i.e. treated as a sex object)

instead of a person is discussed as a social issue as well as a deeply

personal one. She also wrote a sequel outlining an IE approach to

separating cultural stimuli and feelings from food consumption.

Perhaps the expression 'there is nothing new under the sun' can also

refer to our feelings/associations and experiences with fat as a body

shield.

Alison

ajslinton@... wrote:

Take care everyone. Let's remember to be gentle with

ourselves. This is a touchy subject and could trigger some things for

some people.

--

Alana