Sometimes I don't want to stop, listen, or care.

January 7, 2008

Today is one of those days. I feel sad right now, like I could cry

over what I just did. It didn't seem like a binge as it was

happening, but I just stood in the kitchen and looked for more and

more food. Even if something didn't taste good, I still ate it.

This morning I woke up early to take my sister to work. I wasn't

hungry for quite a while and then I called the dentist and they said

they could take me in right away. I figured I'd be back really soon

since they said it would just be a consultation, so being that I

wasn't really hungry and didn't have time to eat I figured I'd eat

when I got back. I had the worst drive of my life there (accidentally

ran a red light - it used to be a 4 way stop and I didn't realize it

had changed, had to wind my way through tons of construction and got

lost and wound up on the wrong side of the road with a car coming

right at me...I was lucky to get to the dentist in one piece.) They

wound up refilling a tooth and numbing up my mouth. Needless to say

that they put me into a room only to switch me into another with a

huge spider crawling up the wall...I am the textbook definition of an

arachnophobic.

I got home and couldn't eat because my mouth was completely numb. I

finally wound up having " breakfast " around 2. My mouth was still

halfway numb so I could honestly barely taste what I was eating, even

though it was something I had been craving yet restricting for quite a

while.

I exercised for 45 minutes, got really frustrated over a few other

things, refrained from binging immediately, but then went at the food

full force. I didn't want to listen to any hunger/fullness signals.

I had quite a bit of food in one sitting, yet still not enough to

totally fill me up beyond stuffed. I actually feel " comfortably full "

right now yet I've already consumed well over any " calorie limit " and

it's not yet even 5pm.

I just hate these days. I hate when I don't care and when I can't

even force myself to just stop for one second and think if I REALLY

want that food or not. They are getting farther apart, and some days

are not as bad as others, but they're so frustrating regardless and

even though I know they're not, they FEEL like a huge set back. It's

depressing.

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