true confessions

[Guest guest]

Before I get to that, there is one thing I want to mention so that after my post

yesterday,

you don't get the wrong idea - I don't have iron clad rules about 'natural'

foods. Even

though 90% of the time I avoid the chemicals and junk there are circumstances

when I eat

it and dont' give it a thought. The main one is going out to eat. This is

something I really

enjoy. Especially lunch. I dont' know why that is, but for me, it's one of the

little joys in

life. Especially in the warm weather - sitting in a little table outside,

lingering over a nice

lunch, watching the world go by. In my mind, it's bliss.

If you make hard and fast rules and say 'never', it's gonna be tough to ever get

to go

out to eat. So, if you visited my kitchen, I'd look like a whole food fanatic -

yet, you'll

also find me other times sitting happily at a Chipotle sharing a big ol'

burrito bol and a coke with my husband. it works for me and I figure it all

balances out

eventually. And if I'm wrong....whatcha gonna do? Never have any fun?

Anyway, that's not my confession. We all know there are many parts to IE -

legalising food

is only one part of the process. But if you notice, it's what I talk about the

most. The

reason is probably obvious. I've got that part down. Show me a food and I don't

have a

problem with it. (chemicals, we know, are a different story for me, but we

already covered

that). the problem I have is getting over that fact that this time I am not

losing.

When i first started all this, years ago, I lost so easily and it stayed off

easily. I gained 50

pounds when I had my son 7 years ago (at 41) and I didn't do anything except

what I

always did and though it took a while, I had almost all of it off before the

(insert ominous

music)... steroids.

Nothing has been the same since then. Now nothing I do works. I stopped gaining

a

month or so after I got off them, but no matter what I do, I don't lose. I did

gain another

10 pounds last year before I got on thyroid med - but even almost four years

after the

steroids and with thyroid med, nothing changes. In fact, I get fatter. I weigh

the same, but

I have a lot more fat. I can tell. I feel it, can see it and my size has gone

up.

I don't know why it is. Why I'm not having any success at it. Am I eating too

much? Not

enough? Eating when I'm not hungry? Not recognising the signal to stop when I

should?

Giving myself too much 'permission' to eat?

I have never said this, because I didnt' want to take a chance that my admitting

this would

give someone else doubts - but I'm honestly getting scared that this time it

might not

work. If it doesn't, of course I have no choice but to accept that this is how

I'm going to be

from now on (cuz dieting doesn't work - that's a given). But I'm not ready to

accept it until

I'm sure there is no other alternative - that I'm not just sabotaging myself

somehow and

not recognizing it.

I've thought about it quite a lot the last week or so, and the only thing i can

see to do is to

increase my focus and turn off the 'noise' and just listen to what is going on

within myself.

Like going on a 'retreat' but without ever getting to actually *go* anywhere and

still having

to do laundry.

I'm going to take time away from here, too, but I don't want to get your hopes

up - you

wont' get rid of me that easily

TTYS,

Ivy