Guest guest Posted May 1, 2001 Report Share Posted May 1, 2001 HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS: MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST Obtain a 55 gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. INGENUITY TEST Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. AUTOMOBILE TEST Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect. PHYSICAL TEST (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. PHYSICAL TEST (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers. Funny, But True. Gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2001 Report Share Posted June 7, 2001 > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> An Angel > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> In honor of breast cancer month and in memory of > Erma > > > > > > >> Bombeck, who lost her fight with cancer, here is an > > > > angel > > > > > > >> sent to watch over you. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> * . * (\ *** /) * . * > > > > > > >> * * ( \(_)/ ) * * > > > > > > >> * (_/ \_) . * > > > > > > >> *. * /___\ * . * > > > > > > >> " > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> Pass this on to five women that you want watched > over. > > > If > > > > > > >> you don't know five women to pass this on to, one > > will > > > > > > >> do just fine. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER > > > > > > >> by Erma Bombeck > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have talked less and listened more. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the > > > carpet was > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> stained and the sofa faded. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have eaten the popcorn in the " GOOD " living > room > > > and > > > > > > >> worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to > > > light > > > > a > > > > > > >> fire in the fireplace. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather > > > > ramble > > > > > > >> about his youth. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled > up > > > on > > > > a > > > > > > >> summer day because my hair had just been teased and > > > sprayed. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose > > > before > > > > > it > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> melted in storage. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not > > > > worried > > > > > > >> about grass stains. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have cried and laughed less while watching > > > television > > > > > and > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> more while watching life. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead > of > > > > > > >> pretending the earth would go into a holding > > pattern > > > > > > >> if I weren't there for the day. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> I would never have bought anything just because it was > > > > > practical, > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a > > lifetime. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd > > > have > > > > > > >> cherished every moment realizing that the wonderment > > > growing > > > > > > >> inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a > > > > miracle. > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have > > > said, > > > > > > >> " Later. Now go get washed up for dinner. " > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> There would have been more " I love yous " ... more " I'm > > > > sorrys " > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> .....but mostly, given another shot at life, I would > seize > > > > every > > > > > > >> minute.....look at it and really see it ... live it .... > > and > > > > > never > > > > > > >> > > > > > > >> give it back. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 24, 2003 Report Share Posted September 24, 2003 I'm praying Narice....I'm praying. Monika > Chemo today and we will find out the results of the tests. > Hopeful but nervous. > Please pray. > Narice > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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