Feeling Lousy

[Guest guest]

Hi folks,

Well, I started meeting with an Intuitive Eating specialist. It's up

in Baltimore, like 80 miles from home. What I end up doing is going to

my parents' house (2/3 the distance) on Sunday night with my husband &

daughter, spend the night there -- Then DH goes into work on Monday

from my parents' house (which is actually slightly closer to his

workplace than our house is). Then my dad watches the toddler so I can

go to the session. It's a lot of effort but totally worthwhile if it's

going to help me finally break out of this disordered thinking that

ultimately leads to disordered eating.

I went to the first session yesterday (Monday) and came home feeling

great. I do need to keep a journal for awhile, the standard Intuitive

Eating information (food eaten, time & location, hunger/fullness level

before & after eating, and thoughts/feelings). I remind myself that it

is NOT a diet. As the counselor put it, I'm collecting data on myself.

There are no judgments about the choices I am making and no " rules "

about what or how to eat. In fact, she seemed fairly impressed that I

was already well-versed in the intuitive eating philosophy. I really

feel like I am finally getting the guidance I need to help me make

some genuine lasting changes.

I continued to feel great most of today. I am basically comfortable

with the choices I made. The only worry was that before this, I'd been

going to a particular non-profit weight-loss support group. When I was

working on Intuitive Eating on my own just using the book for

guidance, I continued to go to the group for the sake of support &

camaraderie. This group that allows each person to use their own " diet

plan, " so I thought maybe my " plan " could be whether I'm choosing to

eat intuitively. I don't always eat intuitively, but then I never

stuck perfectly to my diet plan either. And, I thought I might be able

to do " blind " weigh-ins (stand backwards on the scale so I don't know

the weight they're recording). With the holidays & all, there

coincidentally was a 2 week break with no meetings, plus I couldn't

attend the one before that due to family being in town.

At tonight's meeting, the bubble burst. When I asked about doing a

blind weigh-in, I was told absolutely not, it's against the

organizational charter, yada yada. I really honestly don't care about

having gained a few pounds over the holidays. It is meaningless in the

face of finally resolving this lifelong struggle. So, while the

refusal of blind weigh-ins was a blow, I still thought it would be ok.

I am capable of seeing my weight each week without getting panicky

over it.

But then through the course of the meeting the more critical issue

became clear. I no longer feel support & camaraderie from this group.

The best analogy I can make is that I feel as though I walked into the

wrong kind of church -- WAY wrong, you know what I mean? Half the

people in the room looked like they are probably AT their natural

weight. At least 3 of the women in the group have been at their " goal

weight " (through one program or another) & kept it off for years but

eventually gained back the weight. Even the current leader freely

acknowledges that it is a constant struggle for her, and she would not

be at her goal weight but for constant vigilance & mutual support from

this group. Meanwhile, everyone was talking about goals for the

upcoming months -- How much weight they're going to lose and what

foods they're going to give up and how much exercise they're going to

do... I'm thinking to myself how nuts it is that everyone there really

believed these things despite all evidence to the contrary. And even

if they get to this mythical " goal weight, " what does that provide

them except a lifetime of struggling to maintain it? I don't belong in

this group anymore.

So, I'm going to send a message to the leader tomorrow to politely let

her know that I'm going on hiatus from the group. They are not going

to understand, and I'm going to get a lot of well-intentioned

encouragement to come back & try again. I feel particularly bad about

the friend of mine that I brought there, and now she'll still be

going, whereas I will not. But I am not willing to subject myself to

that again -- it felt so horrible, here I am trying to recover from

this unhealthy mindset & then walking into this " support " group that

was perpetuating these same awful messages. Was it only just a few

weeks ago that I considered this to be supportive?

In retrospect, I was playing the fence for awhile. I knew that if I

were totally on my own, I wouldn't have the motivation to challenge

myself out of my comfort zone. So, even though I didn't agree with a

lot of the ideas at the group, it was better than nothing. But right

now, I just feel so alone, that there is NO ONE in this area who

understands what I am trying to do. How can I explain to anyone that

I'm trying to stop overeating various foods by allowing myself to eat

those foods? Or that I'm trying to be more active by not forcing

myself to exercise? To ultimately reduce excess weight by not weighing

myself and not dieting?

I can't describe how freeing it felt to have my counselor actually

suggest that ice cream is a healthy food (no " in small amounts " caveat

either). And to suggest that I add chips at lunchtime when I'm having

a sandwich. And she didn't treat me as though I was going to run out &

binge on those things just because she said that.

Some parts of the healing process are painful. I do hope I can find

other like-minded people to meet with. I really appreciate having you

folks here online to share with, but I also wish I had some

face-to-face peer support.

Anyway, again, thanks for reading/listening. Actually, I already feel

a bit better for having shared it.

- P.