Graves, Geeks & Inner Tubes

[Guest guest]

How's that for a subject line.

I've been trying to follow most of the posts about

staying on topic and stress and and all the

other stuff and I think I agree that we need to stay

focused.

Now that I've stated that clearly, please allow me to

ramble a bit

I've spent most of the last week, like so many others,

glued to a TV trying to make sense of the senseless.

Trying to explain to my children that which is

unexplainable. I know that sitting and watching is

not what I should be doing. I should be up and moving

and doing and acting as if the world is still whole.

It should be " business as usual " and " don't let the

bastards get you down " and all of those things that I

think Rudy wants to say but just can't because he

doesn't really beleive it either. But I can't. So I

tell myself that this is one of those times when the

stress is making me feel bad and I need to rest. And

so I just sit and watch and feel grateful that we

don't have cable and I don't have to try to sheild my

9 year old from those pictures of people jumping out

of the building.

In the midst of this I get up every so often and go to

the computer. I really need to get this latest project

done by the end of the weekend. Yet another stressor.

I don't want to compile links and write code. I want

to sit and watch. But I must work. So I do. And then

the reality of it hits when I can't remember a simple

little thing like how to set a file to download. I've

blamed every little brain fart in the past year on

Graves' and now I'm telling myself it's because some

idiot attacked my country that I can't remember

anything. This group has become not only my support

system but my help desk. Thanks again to the really

nice women who helped me out with that one Once

that part was done I rewarded myself with another two

hours of recliner and remote time with ABC.

Justified, this time, by telling myself that sitting

up in the chair makes my neck feel better and it's

easier to breath.

The girls asked me today why I've been so quiet. I

think that was just a nice way of asking why I haven't

been screaming about everything like normal. I think

I'm just afraid that if I scream I'll cry and I really

don't have the energy for either one. But I tell them

that I'm just stressing and trying to get everything

done. I finished the site enough to actually have

real people look at it. Now I have to fill out my

paperwork for my SSD meeting on Tuesday. And gather

up my paperwork for my appt with a new endo on Monday.

And do my homework. And do dishes, and fix dinner,

and, and, and.

Just because the world stopped on Tuesday doesn't mean

everything else did. And so I do it all. With, what

I've been calling, an inner tube around my neck. I

keep telling myself that it's been this way a long

time and hopefully the new endo on Monday will have

some options to reduce the size of my goiter in ways

that don't scare the hell out of me. Maybe she'll

have the magic potion that will let me sleep laying

down without having to stretch my head all funny and

pull the muscles in my neck just to be able to draw a

deep breath. Maybe by Monday afternoon I'll be able

to actually swallow. Maybe by Monday, when I have to

put real clothes on for the first time in three days

and go out into the world, things will have settled

themselves enough in my head so that I will be able to

answer her questions. Maybe by Monday I will be able

to remember that I'm cold all the time because I've

been overmedicated and everything is the opposite of

how it has been. And that I haven't turned into a big

fat blob because I've been sitting in front of the TV

for a week but because I've been overmedicated and

gained 20 pounds in the last month.

And I tell myself that maybe by Monday I will have

found ways to explain to my children what is happening

in our world. They want to know why people in other

countries are dancing in their streets as we die in

ours. They want to know why it's not OK for them to

hate the Muslims and Islams as they hate us. I remind

them again that even though someone from another

country may have done this that doesn’t mean everyone

from that country is bad. I remind them that even

though someone who practices a certain religion may

have done this doesn’t mean that everyone who

practices that religion is bad. And they understand.

Or I think they do, until my youngest wants to know

why that guy on CNN says the bombings happened because

God hates her and her family.

It does not reassure me that my answer to that

question is so similar to my answer to her other

questions. It does not reassure me that as I’m

talking about hate and rhetoric the images in my head

are of terrorists who blow up the WTC and the Pentagon

and the images in her head are of those guys in ties

on the 700 Club.

Maybe by Monday.

Gayla

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The Ramblings of an Unretired Writer

http://www.nmadworks.com/response.htm

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