FW: : The five stages of drunkenness

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The five stages of drunkenness

Subject: The five stages of drunkenness

The five stages of drunkenness:

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on

every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and you

want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage

you are always RIGHT.

And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. this makes

for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the

entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go

up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk

to you. Bearing in mind that you are still SMART, you can talk to this

person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can

buy drinks for the entire bar because you have

an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make

bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally,

you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are

RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you

are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially

those with whom you have been betting or

arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also

go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a

battle of the wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle,

because you are smart, you're rich and Hell, you're better looking than

them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do

anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the

people

who you fancy because the rest of the

people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person

who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top

of

your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still

SMART you know ALL the words.

The Five stages of Hangover

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only

dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such

as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and

Guinness/Tetley/s/[add tipple most consumed night before] Two-Step,

you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but

the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid and

will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first

thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less

attractive than you thought previously possible.

Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere

given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your

makeup on overnight or are shaking so much that you now look like you've

shaved

with a sanding block!

Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and

shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper

over the cracks.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out

the door when you discover that the money you got

from the cashpoint to last you the week is now missing from your wallet.

Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of

curry on your coat/duvet leads you to suspect that you may have treated an

entire rugby team to curry and lagers at some point, alternatively your

pocket

will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a £20/£50 note

by mistake.

Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid

and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you

were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all

humanity.

Stage 4 - MADE OF GLASS

As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the

characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets.

Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you

think you are likely to melt or shatter if

handled at all roughly.

Stage 5 - CIRCUS FREAK

Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause

from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your

misery by parading you in front of your

colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink

things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as

" its the only thing that will make you feel better " . You are too stupid

to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too

poor to buy alka seltzer and too fragile to hit them.