RE: Panic Attacks & depression

September 26, 2000

Hi Sally,

Thanks for replying back to this.

I have had a few panic attacks since, but the one at work was the worst ever. We're hoping the Paxil will take care of both, and if necessary will put me on an anti-anxiety med to help w/that. My counselor suggested going w/someone to work, sitting in the parking lot for 5-10 min last wkend. I tried it myself...NOT! I turned around before I got there. Attempted it again the next day with Ralph, made it to the parking lot, and said "LEAVE NOW!". I couldn't handle it. So, I'm trying, but it sucks.

I have a hard time dealing with death as well. I lost my dad when I was 10 y.o., and remember it as if it were yesterday. I am very close to my mom, and realize how hard she had it with 2 kids at home during that time. My brother was 14, myself 10, 2 sisters out on their own. She basically raised us. I have a hard time getting close to people I love. Since then, I've lost all my grandparents as well. It's been a long haul, but I'm dealing with that. Then 4 years ago, I had a fire in my apartment, losing 80% of my things, including my bird (Wisk) who was given to me from my aunt after my uncle passed away. She told me he wanted me to have it, as I had lived w/them for about a year prior to that. That was devestating. The day of the fire, I remember freaking out so bad, it took 4 firemen to hold me down. I lost not only my bird, but all my clothing, most of my furniture, and my life I had tried so hard to get on my own. Again, the weight issue came up. I couldn't fit into any of my friends clothes, couldn't afford to buy all new things etc., so basically I lived in sweats for about 1 month, and each of my friends gave me a new pair of socks (I have a thing about having new socks...love the squishes) ...Then, after returning to work in sweats (they allowed it due to the circumstances), my boss gave me a gift cert. for Bradlees, and everyone in my dept. had put together something for me. I knew then how much these people really cared about me. They knew my situation with fitting into average sized clothes, so they gathered up money for me as well. I felt so stupid accepting from others (I'm a giver, more than a taker), but I did, and I am VERY thankful to all of them, my family, and my friends for helping me through such a tough time in life. Once I was able to go back into the apartment, they let me get my bird for a proper burial. I buried him under the rose bush my uncle and I planted. That meant a lot to me to do it that way.

Until this day, I am VERY fortunate to have gained such wonderful friends on this list, helping to know many of us are suffering in the same ways, and I don't feel so alone. Along with my fiancé, and my family, I can and we will all get through this!

Thanks again!

Dawn

Re: Stress, realizing things, friends, etc Dawn... WOW... this sounded so much like I wrote it... I too have gone thru this.. well am still going thru it... take my meds everyday... in 1997 I was admitted to the hospital for trying to take my own life... I am 1 lucky person... they found me in time.. At that time tho.. I really just wanted to go away as the pain was hurting me so much... I felt alone.. but that was because I would not talk to anyone.. I wouldn't leave the house or take calls... I have since then found that I have a lot of love around me.. and more support then anything.. I still have a ways to go.. but I am beginning to like myself again.. the biggest change is that I would never share this info with anyone a couple of years ago.. still in denial... now I am ok with it.. I am human... we all go thru some rough times and everyone handles it their own way... The biggest thing I have learned is to not judge. Accept people how they are. You are an awesome person Dawn... and I am wicked happy to have met you and have you as a friend... Your beautiful on the outside.. but more important you are beautiful on the inside.. I can tell this by how you post to others on this list.. you care alot..thanks for listening.. it does feel good to get it out sometimes.. *hugs *Wickedbob akaPAM open RNY 6/26/00 235/185/125 Lahey Clinic Dr. Brams

Stress, realizing things, friends, etc I think there are more of us with these sorts of inner issues than we realize .. just by reading some of the posts the last few days its struck home to me that alot of us are going through a similiar process talk about being depressed or tired. I try to be upbeat and positive all the time but I have to admit I've been dealing with what might be depression and I'm looking into going for some counselling. Part of that is a problem in itself. I have no time for me .. and with a small child at home and no one to watch her I don't even know how I can go to an appt in the daytime. DH travels alot and that is really starting to wear down on me too. I think its good though to know there are resources out there if we need them. Or sometimes just talking here helps get alot of my chest. I have to admit Mike's post really threw me for a loop yesterday although I refuse to let it bug me further. His aggression I felt was unwarranted but maybe he himself is dealing with depression or crying on the inside for something so I should be sympathetic to that. so Mike I hope you're reading this and hoping you can let go of the anger and if you ever want to talk I suggest you write me .. or post here because we are a support group. If you don't post we can't realize whats going on and try to help or just listen .. No one is perfect and I never claimed to be. In fact today I feel like shit. Admitting it doesn't make me feel any better but we all struggle. My problems might not be as big as others but they are there. I have issues with my spouse. I have no family in this country and at times I feel very alone. Pam said it so well that alot of our coping mechanisms are taken away with the surgery aka the food .. and I admitted to her this morning that my eating last week due to stress was completely out of control. I do not dump I can tolerate anything and on a smaller scale capacity wise I will eating exactly as I was preop. I am back on day 2 of trying to regain control and struggling. I try not to post something negative but I also think alot of the time who cares and why bring someone else down possibly .. but maybe I do need to post more about how I feel so people can get the entire picture and not think life is just a big party for me. I don't like trying to stay focused on negative. I like trying to be upbeat and relaxed and happy but there are days where man oh man I could use a stiff drink, a packed suitcase and a fistful of money and I'd be out of here. On the same hand however I realize that there are days where I feel stronger than ever before and I don't mean physically. I rarely said no to anyone before and now I'm learning to say no that isn't good for me or no thanks Im not interested. There are days where I feel assertive .. or bitchy and I like it. However I don't want to be just that lol. I know I need to stand up more for myself in my marriage and make time for me and make time for the kids and not wait on others to have everything perfect or perfection will never come and life will be over if I waited for it patiently. Then there are other days where I feel like a total failure and crushed on the inside. I guess these are not normal feelings and something I need to work on. Or maybe they are normal for alot of people but since we can't cope (food) the way we did before we get messed up and can't figure out how to deal with certain situations. I know 2 nights ago I got into a huge fight with my husband and I couldn't wait to get some food stuffed down my throat for a sense of release from the stress. Anyways I may just take my good friends advice and go see someone and talk about it. At least I'm thinking about it and not diving into a bag of chips this morning so maybe its a start. Pam you are a hero in my books like so many others here. You are taking baby steps and making the start of a great journey. You're going to go far and discover much and for that I'm in awe of you. Maybe I can follow the path you're breaking for us .. because to me you are truly a wonderful person. Lyssa

September 26, 2000

Hi Sally,

Thanks for replying back to this.

I have had a few panic attacks since, but the one at work was the worst ever. We're hoping the Paxil will take care of both, and if necessary will put me on an anti-anxiety med to help w/that. My counselor suggested going w/someone to work, sitting in the parking lot for 5-10 min last wkend. I tried it myself...NOT! I turned around before I got there. Attempted it again the next day with Ralph, made it to the parking lot, and said "LEAVE NOW!". I couldn't handle it. So, I'm trying, but it sucks.

I have a hard time dealing with death as well. I lost my dad when I was 10 y.o., and remember it as if it were yesterday. I am very close to my mom, and realize how hard she had it with 2 kids at home during that time. My brother was 14, myself 10, 2 sisters out on their own. She basically raised us. I have a hard time getting close to people I love. Since then, I've lost all my grandparents as well. It's been a long haul, but I'm dealing with that. Then 4 years ago, I had a fire in my apartment, losing 80% of my things, including my bird (Wisk) who was given to me from my aunt after my uncle passed away. She told me he wanted me to have it, as I had lived w/them for about a year prior to that. That was devestating. The day of the fire, I remember freaking out so bad, it took 4 firemen to hold me down. I lost not only my bird, but all my clothing, most of my furniture, and my life I had tried so hard to get on my own. Again, the weight issue came up. I couldn't fit into any of my friends clothes, couldn't afford to buy all new things etc., so basically I lived in sweats for about 1 month, and each of my friends gave me a new pair of socks (I have a thing about having new socks...love the squishes) ...Then, after returning to work in sweats (they allowed it due to the circumstances), my boss gave me a gift cert. for Bradlees, and everyone in my dept. had put together something for me. I knew then how much these people really cared about me. They knew my situation with fitting into average sized clothes, so they gathered up money for me as well. I felt so stupid accepting from others (I'm a giver, more than a taker), but I did, and I am VERY thankful to all of them, my family, and my friends for helping me through such a tough time in life. Once I was able to go back into the apartment, they let me get my bird for a proper burial. I buried him under the rose bush my uncle and I planted. That meant a lot to me to do it that way.

Until this day, I am VERY fortunate to have gained such wonderful friends on this list, helping to know many of us are suffering in the same ways, and I don't feel so alone. Along with my fiancé, and my family, I can and we will all get through this!

Thanks again!

Dawn

Re: Stress, realizing things, friends, etc Dawn... WOW... this sounded so much like I wrote it... I too have gone thru this.. well am still going thru it... take my meds everyday... in 1997 I was admitted to the hospital for trying to take my own life... I am 1 lucky person... they found me in time.. At that time tho.. I really just wanted to go away as the pain was hurting me so much... I felt alone.. but that was because I would not talk to anyone.. I wouldn't leave the house or take calls... I have since then found that I have a lot of love around me.. and more support then anything.. I still have a ways to go.. but I am beginning to like myself again.. the biggest change is that I would never share this info with anyone a couple of years ago.. still in denial... now I am ok with it.. I am human... we all go thru some rough times and everyone handles it their own way... The biggest thing I have learned is to not judge. Accept people how they are. You are an awesome person Dawn... and I am wicked happy to have met you and have you as a friend... Your beautiful on the outside.. but more important you are beautiful on the inside.. I can tell this by how you post to others on this list.. you care alot..thanks for listening.. it does feel good to get it out sometimes.. *hugs *Wickedbob akaPAM open RNY 6/26/00 235/185/125 Lahey Clinic Dr. Brams

Stress, realizing things, friends, etc I think there are more of us with these sorts of inner issues than we realize .. just by reading some of the posts the last few days its struck home to me that alot of us are going through a similiar process talk about being depressed or tired. I try to be upbeat and positive all the time but I have to admit I've been dealing with what might be depression and I'm looking into going for some counselling. Part of that is a problem in itself. I have no time for me .. and with a small child at home and no one to watch her I don't even know how I can go to an appt in the daytime. DH travels alot and that is really starting to wear down on me too. I think its good though to know there are resources out there if we need them. Or sometimes just talking here helps get alot of my chest. I have to admit Mike's post really threw me for a loop yesterday although I refuse to let it bug me further. His aggression I felt was unwarranted but maybe he himself is dealing with depression or crying on the inside for something so I should be sympathetic to that. so Mike I hope you're reading this and hoping you can let go of the anger and if you ever want to talk I suggest you write me .. or post here because we are a support group. If you don't post we can't realize whats going on and try to help or just listen .. No one is perfect and I never claimed to be. In fact today I feel like shit. Admitting it doesn't make me feel any better but we all struggle. My problems might not be as big as others but they are there. I have issues with my spouse. I have no family in this country and at times I feel very alone. Pam said it so well that alot of our coping mechanisms are taken away with the surgery aka the food .. and I admitted to her this morning that my eating last week due to stress was completely out of control. I do not dump I can tolerate anything and on a smaller scale capacity wise I will eating exactly as I was preop. I am back on day 2 of trying to regain control and struggling. I try not to post something negative but I also think alot of the time who cares and why bring someone else down possibly .. but maybe I do need to post more about how I feel so people can get the entire picture and not think life is just a big party for me. I don't like trying to stay focused on negative. I like trying to be upbeat and relaxed and happy but there are days where man oh man I could use a stiff drink, a packed suitcase and a fistful of money and I'd be out of here. On the same hand however I realize that there are days where I feel stronger than ever before and I don't mean physically. I rarely said no to anyone before and now I'm learning to say no that isn't good for me or no thanks Im not interested. There are days where I feel assertive .. or bitchy and I like it. However I don't want to be just that lol. I know I need to stand up more for myself in my marriage and make time for me and make time for the kids and not wait on others to have everything perfect or perfection will never come and life will be over if I waited for it patiently. Then there are other days where I feel like a total failure and crushed on the inside. I guess these are not normal feelings and something I need to work on. Or maybe they are normal for alot of people but since we can't cope (food) the way we did before we get messed up and can't figure out how to deal with certain situations. I know 2 nights ago I got into a huge fight with my husband and I couldn't wait to get some food stuffed down my throat for a sense of release from the stress. Anyways I may just take my good friends advice and go see someone and talk about it. At least I'm thinking about it and not diving into a bag of chips this morning so maybe its a start. Pam you are a hero in my books like so many others here. You are taking baby steps and making the start of a great journey. You're going to go far and discover much and for that I'm in awe of you. Maybe I can follow the path you're breaking for us .. because to me you are truly a wonderful person. Lyssa

September 26, 2000

Hi Sally,

Thanks for replying back to this.

I have had a few panic attacks since, but the one at work was the worst ever. We're hoping the Paxil will take care of both, and if necessary will put me on an anti-anxiety med to help w/that. My counselor suggested going w/someone to work, sitting in the parking lot for 5-10 min last wkend. I tried it myself...NOT! I turned around before I got there. Attempted it again the next day with Ralph, made it to the parking lot, and said "LEAVE NOW!". I couldn't handle it. So, I'm trying, but it sucks.

I have a hard time dealing with death as well. I lost my dad when I was 10 y.o., and remember it as if it were yesterday. I am very close to my mom, and realize how hard she had it with 2 kids at home during that time. My brother was 14, myself 10, 2 sisters out on their own. She basically raised us. I have a hard time getting close to people I love. Since then, I've lost all my grandparents as well. It's been a long haul, but I'm dealing with that. Then 4 years ago, I had a fire in my apartment, losing 80% of my things, including my bird (Wisk) who was given to me from my aunt after my uncle passed away. She told me he wanted me to have it, as I had lived w/them for about a year prior to that. That was devestating. The day of the fire, I remember freaking out so bad, it took 4 firemen to hold me down. I lost not only my bird, but all my clothing, most of my furniture, and my life I had tried so hard to get on my own. Again, the weight issue came up. I couldn't fit into any of my friends clothes, couldn't afford to buy all new things etc., so basically I lived in sweats for about 1 month, and each of my friends gave me a new pair of socks (I have a thing about having new socks...love the squishes) ...Then, after returning to work in sweats (they allowed it due to the circumstances), my boss gave me a gift cert. for Bradlees, and everyone in my dept. had put together something for me. I knew then how much these people really cared about me. They knew my situation with fitting into average sized clothes, so they gathered up money for me as well. I felt so stupid accepting from others (I'm a giver, more than a taker), but I did, and I am VERY thankful to all of them, my family, and my friends for helping me through such a tough time in life. Once I was able to go back into the apartment, they let me get my bird for a proper burial. I buried him under the rose bush my uncle and I planted. That meant a lot to me to do it that way.

Until this day, I am VERY fortunate to have gained such wonderful friends on this list, helping to know many of us are suffering in the same ways, and I don't feel so alone. Along with my fiancé, and my family, I can and we will all get through this!

Thanks again!

Dawn

Re: Stress, realizing things, friends, etc Dawn... WOW... this sounded so much like I wrote it... I too have gone thru this.. well am still going thru it... take my meds everyday... in 1997 I was admitted to the hospital for trying to take my own life... I am 1 lucky person... they found me in time.. At that time tho.. I really just wanted to go away as the pain was hurting me so much... I felt alone.. but that was because I would not talk to anyone.. I wouldn't leave the house or take calls... I have since then found that I have a lot of love around me.. and more support then anything.. I still have a ways to go.. but I am beginning to like myself again.. the biggest change is that I would never share this info with anyone a couple of years ago.. still in denial... now I am ok with it.. I am human... we all go thru some rough times and everyone handles it their own way... The biggest thing I have learned is to not judge. Accept people how they are. You are an awesome person Dawn... and I am wicked happy to have met you and have you as a friend... Your beautiful on the outside.. but more important you are beautiful on the inside.. I can tell this by how you post to others on this list.. you care alot..thanks for listening.. it does feel good to get it out sometimes.. *hugs *Wickedbob akaPAM open RNY 6/26/00 235/185/125 Lahey Clinic Dr. Brams

Stress, realizing things, friends, etc I think there are more of us with these sorts of inner issues than we realize .. just by reading some of the posts the last few days its struck home to me that alot of us are going through a similiar process talk about being depressed or tired. I try to be upbeat and positive all the time but I have to admit I've been dealing with what might be depression and I'm looking into going for some counselling. Part of that is a problem in itself. I have no time for me .. and with a small child at home and no one to watch her I don't even know how I can go to an appt in the daytime. DH travels alot and that is really starting to wear down on me too. I think its good though to know there are resources out there if we need them. Or sometimes just talking here helps get alot of my chest. I have to admit Mike's post really threw me for a loop yesterday although I refuse to let it bug me further. His aggression I felt was unwarranted but maybe he himself is dealing with depression or crying on the inside for something so I should be sympathetic to that. so Mike I hope you're reading this and hoping you can let go of the anger and if you ever want to talk I suggest you write me .. or post here because we are a support group. If you don't post we can't realize whats going on and try to help or just listen .. No one is perfect and I never claimed to be. In fact today I feel like shit. Admitting it doesn't make me feel any better but we all struggle. My problems might not be as big as others but they are there. I have issues with my spouse. I have no family in this country and at times I feel very alone. Pam said it so well that alot of our coping mechanisms are taken away with the surgery aka the food .. and I admitted to her this morning that my eating last week due to stress was completely out of control. I do not dump I can tolerate anything and on a smaller scale capacity wise I will eating exactly as I was preop. I am back on day 2 of trying to regain control and struggling. I try not to post something negative but I also think alot of the time who cares and why bring someone else down possibly .. but maybe I do need to post more about how I feel so people can get the entire picture and not think life is just a big party for me. I don't like trying to stay focused on negative. I like trying to be upbeat and relaxed and happy but there are days where man oh man I could use a stiff drink, a packed suitcase and a fistful of money and I'd be out of here. On the same hand however I realize that there are days where I feel stronger than ever before and I don't mean physically. I rarely said no to anyone before and now I'm learning to say no that isn't good for me or no thanks Im not interested. There are days where I feel assertive .. or bitchy and I like it. However I don't want to be just that lol. I know I need to stand up more for myself in my marriage and make time for me and make time for the kids and not wait on others to have everything perfect or perfection will never come and life will be over if I waited for it patiently. Then there are other days where I feel like a total failure and crushed on the inside. I guess these are not normal feelings and something I need to work on. Or maybe they are normal for alot of people but since we can't cope (food) the way we did before we get messed up and can't figure out how to deal with certain situations. I know 2 nights ago I got into a huge fight with my husband and I couldn't wait to get some food stuffed down my throat for a sense of release from the stress. Anyways I may just take my good friends advice and go see someone and talk about it. At least I'm thinking about it and not diving into a bag of chips this morning so maybe its a start. Pam you are a hero in my books like so many others here. You are taking baby steps and making the start of a great journey. You're going to go far and discover much and for that I'm in awe of you. Maybe I can follow the path you're breaking for us .. because to me you are truly a wonderful person. Lyssa

September 26, 2000

OMG Dawn

Last October there was a fire in the building we lived in. We ended up

losing everything we owned. We were stupid enough not to have renters

insurance too. I know exactly what you mean about clothing. I thank

god for the Red cross. They gave us a little over $500 for clothing and

jackets for a family of 3 at Wal-mart. But it was still hard for me to

find clothes there at the time I was about 300 lbs. I thank god that

the community around us got together and donated clothes, food, and

furniture. I also thank god for my parents because thats where we were

staying till we found a decent apartment. I have a couple of friends

that were my size but still had a hard time. My mom let me charge on

her Fashion Bug credit card for pants and a outfit to go to my dh x-mas

party.

Lea

September 26, 2000

Hi Lea,

Sorry to hear of your fire as well. I didn't have rental insurance

either...I did the next apartment though, and before I moved in with my

fiancé, I said " What kind of house insurance do you have? "

Luckily, my family, friends, etc., were all very helpful as well. I would

have most definitely lost it if it weren't for them.