New to group..my story

[Guest guest]

Hi all! I've been reading your posts for a couple of days now.

While

its nice to know that I'm not alone, its sometimes hard to read the

posts...not because it reminds me of what I've been through, but

because I just ache that there are others feeling the same pain and

sadness. I just keep asking myself 'why'? Why does God allow this

to

happen?

My name is Sandy and I am 30. I have been married to dh for almost 4

years. We have been ttc for 2 1/2 years. Dh has two beautiful

daughters from previous marriage...Bekah is 10 and is 13. I

love them very much...but they are not mine. For the first year that

we were ttc my doctor said that my body was still adjusting to

getting

off of the pill (I took it for 10 years). For the second year of ttc

my doctor said that the problem was my tipped uterus. After doing

this stupid exercise that he suggested and having no success, I got a

new doctor. She said that a tipped uterus was not my problem

(even though I have one)...she suspected that I did not ovulate. So

she wanted me to do basal temp. monitoring for 3 months before trying

drugs to get me to ovulate. The day before my next appointment with

her (3 months later) I got an extremely sharp pain in my lower right

abdomen. I've never felt a pain that sharp before. I had no idea

what it was. My husband suspected that I was just cramping and about

to start my period. I began spotting that night which just

reinforced

our amateur diagnosis. I took several advil and put the heating pad

on, but nothing worked. I woke up the next morning...Tuesday, June

27,2000 (a day I will never forget)..with pain all across my belly

and

severe pain up my right side and in my right shoulder. I still had

no

clue what it was and forced myself to go to work. At about 9:30 in

the morning, I had had enough of the pain and I was sobbing

uncontrollably so I called the my PCP who wanted to see me

immediately. My DH drove me to the doctor who sent me to the

hospital

for an ultrasound and blood work. At 3:00 in the afternoon, my PCP

called me at the hospital and told me what I had hoped it wasn't...I

had an ectopic pregnancy. They admitted me immediately and I was in

surgery at 6:00 that evening. They did about a 5-6 inch insision

from

my belly button down and the surgeon (God bless him) was able to save

my tube and my life.

I have been home recovering for the last 4 weeks. Actually today is

the 1 month anniversary of my surgery.

I am so full of questions...Questions I will ask my OB/GYN when I see

her in a couple of weeks. I've learned a lot just reading your

postings and searching for info on the web.

But, I'm also feeling really miserable. Like I said, I'm wondering

why God allowed this to happen...and I haven't been able to ask

Him...I'm mad at Him. And this attitude from a Pastor's wife! I'm

lonely sitting around the house all day, I'm resentful, but most of

all I'm sad and so desperately want the baby I didn't even know I was

pregnant with. My DH and I have named the baby Sam. We figure it

could be the name of either a boy or a girl, and after in the

bible who was given to Hannah and Hannah gave him back to the Lord.

(Read I chapter 1).

I'm rambling now so I should end this. Thank you for giving me a

forum where I can get my feelings out or at least cry with you all

and

know that I'm not alone.

Sandy