Obsessive Recollections of Traumatic Events

[Guest guest]

I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to be

that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now. I

can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

Deanna

[Guest guest]

Yes I do. Since I have gone NC with my Fada I can't stop having nightmares. I

also become obsessive at night so much so that it takes a few hours for me to go

to sleep. I keep thinking " If I just told him this or that " then maybe he would

change. He just like your Nada has to make that choice to change. From what I

have learned BPD's rarely seek help or even acknowledge their problem. I also

feel the need to re-assure myself that what I am doing is the right thing. I

think by constantly " reliving " the traumatic events reminds us why we are

flushing them from our lives in the first place.

Obsessive Recollections of Traumatic Events

I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to be

that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now. I

can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

Deanna

[Guest guest]

I was about to post something like this. Ever since (not 100% intentionally)

going NC with Nada, my memory has been on overdrive. I'm remembering the good,

the bad, and the ugly of everything from when I was 4 all the way to a few

months ago. I can't stop it, and it's gotten really distressing. My therapist

encouraged me to talk about the memories, but it's really hard to even write

them down because they seem so small—little flashes of images. They've gotten

even MORE intrusive and disruptive since I last brought them up in therapy. I'm

pretty sure this is a response to finally feeling like I'm in a safer

environment. It kind of feels like I'm reintegrating the past and present in a

good way, but it's so, *so*, SO emotionally distressing that it *really* limits

my capacity to function. I don't know what'll help either, but I might nip in to

see my psychiatrist to see if maybe my meds need adjusting or if this is just a

" normal " reaction that I can work harder to process in other ways.

Ugh... I hate how uncomfortable it is! Also, my Nada was the saaaaammmme way on

the phone. I'm slowly fudging my way through Judith Herman(?)'s book " Trauma and

Recovery " and it's helping me understand the process a little better, but *que

temper tantrum* I WANT THEM TO GO AWAY NOOOWWWWWWWWW!!! =P

(((hugs))) hang in there!

-Frances

>

> I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

>

> One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

>

> Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to

be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now.

I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

>

> I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

Maybe you need to keep retelling those stories to yourself to

some extent so that you can stand firm and not give in to your

nada's demands. Perhaps it would help if you intentionally

divert your thoughts to a more positive way of reinforcing your

choice when you find yourself doing this? Instead of thinking

through those stories, you could try repeating a litany of

positive messages to yourself. Here are some examples. " I am

strong " . " I am my own person and get to make my own choices. " " I

don't have to do what nada wants. " " I'm a good person. " " My

mental health is important. " " I have a right to live my own

life. "

At 01:26 PM 06/04/2010 Deanna wrote:

>I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my

>nada. It was something I hated, but felt that I had to do it,

>or suffer her wrath. Her wrath included threatening to disown

>me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone of voice,

>talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone

>or in person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I

>was and trying to make me tell her just what it is that I

> " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a terrible mother,

>crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

>could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was

>always too afraid of her to do that.

>

>One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to

>avoid saying terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with

>all of it.

>

>Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since

>going LC seems to be that all of those things that I avoided

>thinking about are plaguing me now. I can not seem to stop

>reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories, mainly

>from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me

>every day and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The

>intestinal upset from it.

>

>I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am

>telling them to someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a

>real problem until I went LC, as I was just avoiding thinking

>about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my quality of

>life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any

>success overcoming it?

>

>Deanna

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Yes, Yes yes yesyesyes YES!

I think that now that you are out from under the " sanctioned " reality of your

mother's, you are now able to process things the way they actually happened and

come to terms with your anger about it.

It does get better. This too shall pass. It's a bit of a valley of the shadow at

the moment but it leads to a land of milk, honey... freedom.

Tina.

>

> I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

>

> One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

>

> Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to

be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now.

I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

>

> I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Deanna, this is bona fide post-traumatic stress. Same thing happened with me

with my final straw. I began to see these cascading memories as having the

potential to show me events through another perspective, and to dispel any

lingering doubts I exaggerated things in my memory or that my mother's behaviors

were just " quirks " ....and helped me validate that I never caused the madness.

Painful memories, but full of information I needed to have. Writing my memoirs

helped me greatly in managing this part of no-contact because the exercise

contained the memories and I began to be able to visit them on my terms, once I

admitted them into my conscious awareness and accepted them as " messengers from

the past " . Later, counseling helped me process all of it.

So retell your stories to yourself, accept their truth and know they are

revisiting you to help you heal. I believe they don't emerge until we are ready

to deal with them, and in my own experience, as you process, these memories

lessen in their power and frequency.

I know it can be very unsettling, but experiment with ways you can manage these

memories. Work with them and the plague feeling will lessen, put energy into

repressing them and they'll just come back until you pay attention.

As bad as it is, this is all a good sign that you are on the right path. This

part is just clearing away all the obstacles in your way.

Hang in there...

PJ

https://sites.google.com/site/nonborderlinedaughter/

>

> I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

>

> One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

>

> Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to

be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now.

I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

>

> I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Deanna,

Yeah, I used to have this kind of issue myself. What stopped it was actually

two things:

1.) My husband has been a great parent to his three sons. I showed him some of

the hate-mail nada emailed me. When I got reactions like, " This is horrible! "

and " I would never talk like that to my kids! " that sort of clued me in.

2.) Along the years, after something particularly awful had happened, I would

start to try to get tough with nada and tell her how her behavior had affected

me and how I was thinking of cutting her off. I have several letters I wrote

but never sent, describing the details of several awful things she had done. I

always chickened out and never sent the letters, but now that I am NC, I can

read them and remind myself that no, I am not dreaming, she really did this, and

the farther away from it all I get the more I realize how sick it really all

was.

I don't know if this is helpful, but maybe writing your nada a letter you don't

intend to send?

Best of luck to you.

--.

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

I am so sorry for all you went through and all you have to go through now. I

think I understand what you are talking about. The farther I separate from

nada, sometimes the more the repressed memories surface. I sometimes become

rendered nearly unfunctional when I start reliving memories. Some of them

really are bad things and some things that come up are more minor frustrations

but they are all things I was never allowed to voice or have an opinion about

according to nada.

Sometimes, when I get word that nada has been smearing me or she puts someone on

a mission to get what she needs, that can trigger these floods of memories. I

also find that things that come up with my children trigger memories too and

things people do trigger episodes.

These episodes seem to just come in waves and I deal with them the best I can.

I like the idea of writing yourself a letter. It's hard work that we shouldn't

have to do in the first place. All I can offer is understanding and a listening

" in box " .

patinage

>

> I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

>

> One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

>

> Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to

be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now.

I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

>

> I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

Deanna,

This is my first post to the group. My mom and stepmom are both BPD, so I have

had (and still do) to do a great amount of work over the years. I am also in

psychology (will be applying to finish my Ph.D. in counseling psych this year

and do psych evals for a job).

First off, find a therapist. Processing everything you've been through and being

validated by a therapist is extremely powerful and really does help. I was in

therapy for two years and go back for shorter therapy whenever I need extra

support. Something that it is useful to work on in therapy is identifying your

triggers- some of them you're probably aware of and some you probably aren't.

It's impossible to identify all your triggers in therapy, but you want to

develop the coping skills and self-awareness to recognize when you're reacting

to a trigger. This can be really hard to do, b/c living with a nada you're

probably used to completely squashing and repressing your own feelings. I still

struggle with this, but take comfort in knowing I am day by day reclaiming my

right to live my life as I choose and reacting to situations in a way that is

genuinely me, as opposed to whatever will get me left alone as quickly as

possible. Writing in a journal can help greatly, as you can get comfortable with

talking about what's happened to you and your experiences.

What happened with me when I started really getting into processing my

childhood, there was a period when it felt like the dam broke and I was pretty

overwhelmed. This is why therapy is so important. Spirituality or religion can

also be incredibly useful in helping you find some meaning to everything that

happened. It's also important to try to surround yourself with positive,

supportive people who won't take advantage of you. I found I was very vulnerable

while processing things, but this did pass after a few months of intensive work.

That said, I have recently stopped speaking to my stepnada and dad and don't

think I'll be talking to them anytime soon. My dad has consistently sided with

my stepnada the 20+years they have been married and their whole marriage, he has

fed her lies about his side of the family. Although I haven't asked what he's

said about me, I can only assume I've gotten the same treatment my grandparents

and aunt have gotten. I never felt it was my place to challenge the decades of

lies he's fed her and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know where to start. If I

think about the things they have done to me over the years (it was always

verbal/emotional, never physical or sexual), I still get mad and upset. Making

peace with the years of my life I will never get back or the " normal " childhood

I never had is challenging and I am still working on it.

My nada has lived in a different state than me for 10 years and we have

extremely limited contact. I try to call her more often, but only if I am having

a good day. Even then, we talk at the absolute most for a few times a month for

no more than 20 minutes. We usually talk about once a month for 15 or 20 minutes

and see each other once every year or two for no more than a week. Visits are

usually 3-4 days.

Other things that can help are taking care of yourself by making sure you are

eating well, exercising, seeing friends when able, and getting enough sleep. All

together, these have a profound impact on well being because you're learning to

take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect. This is surprisingly hard

(I;m still working on incorporating regular exercise into my schedule and find I

have many days when I don't want to talk to anyone), but well worth the work.

I could go on and on about this and am cutting myself off:) Hope this helps

some. *hugs*

le

>

>

> >

> > I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

> >

> > One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

> >

> > Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to

be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now.

I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

> >

> > I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

> >

> > Deanna

> >

>

[Guest guest]

le, thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. Believe it or

not, I have been in therapy for 9 years! The first six years were basically

like I was a tea kettle and she would take the lid off. It helped me to sort of

get things out. But I think the real change happened when I went NC/LC 3 years

ago.

I started EMDR last fall with another therapist, and I do feel better from doing

that work. While my regular therapy has been cut back to about once a month, I

am doing EMDR every week.

I have been eating well lately, and am working on incorporating more exercise

into my routine.

I feel almost silly saying it and heaven knows I would never tell my family, but

I really do think I am suffering from PTSD. Of course, PTSD is the main thing

that EMDR treats, so I guess it is just a matter of time.

Deanna

> > >

> > > I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

> > >

> > > One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

> > >

> > > Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems

to be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me

now. I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic

memories, mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me

every day and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from

it.

> > >

> > > I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them

to someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC,

as I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting

my quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

> > >

> > > Deanna

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

isis/gabrielle said some wonderful things and gave fantastic advice. For years

I've done the same thing as you Deanna. I'd spend many sleepless nights going

over painful conversations I've had with my mom. Or thinking of difficult times

and wondering what I did wrong, what I should have done and of course, writing a

whole new dialogue in my mind about what I could have said. What a waste of

time.

There have been too many times when I've laid in bed practically writing my

biography, listing all the bad times I've had with her. Even went so far as to

get up and make lists of things she'd done and said. I'd think, " If I just write

about my life, people would understand how hard it's been. " Again, who's going

to read it and it's another waste of time.

I haven't been to a counselor. Just once I went with my husband because he was

going for some depression. His counselor, from her talks with him and from that

one visit with me, was the angel that pointed us to the book about " eggshells. "

It was hard to read, upset me, made me cry because of the memories. But it's the

best thing that ever happened to me. So yes, I think a counselor can be a great

help. They don't belittle your experience by saying " All parents get upset with

their kids now and then " or " but she's your mom, you have to love her. " That

stuff doesn't help. But they will listen and encourage. We need that freedom to

say how we really feel without being judged.

Hope you can get past the history replays.

irene

> > >

> > > I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

> > >

> > > One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

> > >

> > > Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems

to be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me

now. I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic

memories, mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me

every day and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from

it.

> > >

> > > I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them

to someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC,

as I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting

my quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

> > >

> > > Deanna

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

yes i tend to obsess at times over traumatic events as you describe here, when i

have anxiety about something.  therapy and self acceptance are helping .. not

pushing myself or self criticizing so much also helps when i can do it.

 awareness of what is going on and acceptance of it tends to ease the anxiety

and then i can move on to something else.. i have my nada's examples of how she

treated me in my head and that is how i have tended to treat myself now.  with

awareness of this and the desire to i can change.. it's slow hard work sometimes

and requires some knowledge, a lot of love and a ton of patience. but soooo

worth it.

ann

Subject: Obsessive Recollections of Traumatic Events

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Friday, June 4, 2010, 12:26 PM

 

I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to be

that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now. I

can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

Deanna

[Guest guest]

Hard to say  I really don't like my mom.  I am learning to set boundaries with

her.  Case in point.  Mother's day went to see her and in her meanest voice

(which makes me feel like an 8 yr old)  she says.  did you bring my sodie.

(diet pepsi)  left feeling rejected and let her ruin my whole day.  Like so

many other times.  Yes she is mentally ill, but I don't have to play into the

abuse any longer.

Getting stronger day by day.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sun, June 6, 2010 9:28:05 AM

Subject: Re: Obsessive Recollections of Traumatic Events

 

isis/gabrielle said some wonderful things and gave fantastic advice. For years

I've done the same thing as you Deanna. I'd spend many sleepless nights going

over painful conversations I've had with my mom. Or thinking of difficult times

and wondering what I did wrong, what I should have done and of course, writing a

whole new dialogue in my mind about what I could have said. What a waste of

time.

There have been too many times when I've laid in bed practically writing my

biography, listing all the bad times I've had with her. Even went so far as to

get up and make lists of things she'd done and said. I'd think, " If I just write

about my life, people would understand how hard it's been. " Again, who's going

to read it and it's another waste of time.

I haven't been to a counselor. Just once I went with my husband because he was

going for some depression. His counselor, from her talks with him and from that

one visit with me, was the angel that pointed us to the book about " eggshells. "

It was hard to read, upset me, made me cry because of the memories. But it's the

best thing that ever happened to me. So yes, I think a counselor can be a great

help. They don't belittle your experience by saying " All parents get upset with

their kids now and then " or " but she's your mom, you have to love her. " That

stuff doesn't help. But they will listen and encourage. We need that freedom to

say how we really feel without being judged.

Hope you can get past the history replays.

irene

> > >

> > > I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

> > >

> > > One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

> > >

> > > Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems

to be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me

now. I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic

memories, mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me

every day and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from

it.

> > >

> > > I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them

to someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC,

as I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting

my quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

> > >

> > > Deanna

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Deanna I am LC with my nada and sada. My bpd fada died many years ago. I do

have guilt about remaining LC so I remind myself that my life is my own to live.

We only get one and I don't want any regrets. You know I will be 55 this year,

that's a senior citizen. No time to waste now. Too many low price senior meals

on my horizon. lol This last week I went to Las Vegas by myself. I didn't tell

them I was going or that I had gone. It felt stange(but good) but my life is my

own and I'm all growed up. lol

>

> I used to spend several hours a week on the phone with my nada. It was

something I hated, but felt that I had to do it, or suffer her wrath. Her wrath

included threatening to disown me, sic-ing my father on me, her icy, angry tone

of voice, talking smack about me to everyone, making me sit on the phone or in

person while she went on for 2 hours about what a jerk I was and trying to make

me tell her just what it is that I " THINK " she did to me, and was she such a

terrible mother, crying. You guys know the drill. Of course, I know now that I

could have/should have hung up on her or walked away, but I was always too

afraid of her to do that.

>

> One day I'd had enough and I DID hang up on her, in order to avoid saying

terrible things to her, and I was just DONE with all of it.

>

> Since then, I have been very LC. My biggest problem since going LC seems to

be that all of those things that I avoided thinking about are plaguing me now.

I can not seem to stop reliving some of the particularly traumatic memories,

mainly from childhood. Also the traumatic memories of her calling me every day

and forcing me to talk to her for an hour. The intestinal upset from it.

>

> I feel a need to retell these stories in my head, as if I am telling them to

someone to justify my LC. This didn't become a real problem until I went LC, as

I was just avoiding thinking about it altogether. This is seriously affecting my

quality of life. Does anyone else suffer from this? Have you had any success

overcoming it?

>

> Deanna

>

[Guest guest]

that's exactly right. I dont even bother with mothers day...she was/is a

crappy mother, she doesn't deserve special recognition...what gets me about

my nada, is she has such good control over her behavior...she only displays

it when we're home, behind closed doors...never in public and never when

company is around...

Jackie

Hard to say I really don't like my mom. I am learning to set boundaries with

her. Case in point. Mother's day went to see her and in her meanest voice

(which makes me feel like an 8 yr old) she says. did you bring my sodie.

(diet pepsi) left feeling rejected and let her ruin my whole day. Like so

many other times. Yes she is mentally ill, but I don't have to play into the

abuse any longer.

Getting stronger day by day.

[Guest guest]

My mother was somewhat like this...although, as I got older, she talked

really bad about me to her 'friends' and other family members. She may have

done it when I was little and I just didn't notice, but she was bad about it

when I was older. I often wonder what other people thought of her and why

NO ONE stood up and said what she was doing was wrong. Granted, most of her

friends hit the high road early on, but still...if one of my friend's

talked so negative about their kids, I'm afraid I'd have to say something.

In a message dated 6/7/2010 8:48:32 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

that's exactly right. I dont even bother with mothers day...she was/is a

crappy mother, she doesn't deserve special recognition...what gets me

about

my nada, is she has such good control over her behavior...she only

displays

it when we're home, behind closed doors...never in public and never when

company is around...

Jackie

Hard to say I really don't like my mom. I am learning to set boundaries

with

her. Case in point. Mother's day went to see her and in her meanest voice

(which makes me feel like an 8 yr old) she says. did you bring my sodie.

(diet pepsi) left feeling rejected and let her ruin my whole day. Like so

many other times. Yes she is mentally ill, but I don't have to play into

the

abuse any longer.

Getting stronger day by day.

[Guest guest]

that doesnt make sense, does it..I dont know if I'd say anything to someone

who was putting their children down all the time, but I do know i would not

be around them !! I guess thats what happened to nada...she'd have friends,

but only for short periods of time, then she'd have a new set of friends...

Jackie

My mother was somewhat like this...although, as I got older, she talked

really bad about me to her 'friends' and other family members. She may have

done it when I was little and I just didn't notice, but she was bad about

it

when I was older. I often wonder what other people thought of her and why

NO ONE stood up and said what she was doing was wrong. Granted, most of her

friends hit the high road early on, but still...if one of my friend's

talked so negative about their kids, I'm afraid I'd have to say something.

[Guest guest]

My mother too. And when she died, she had maybe 2 friends who had been

long-term friends of hers. Actually, one of them hadn't contacted her in years,

but I contacted her when my mother died and she showed up to the funeral.

It's sad to live a life that way. I feel sorry for my mother. She died so

phobic and worrisome and waify-hermit-like. She was depressed and then died

a horrible death with emphysema. I so wish she had gotten help to

improve her life. It makes me really sad that she destroyed herself, my

childhood

and teenage years and most of my dad's life too.

In a message dated 6/10/2010 10:41:43 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

that doesnt make sense, does it..I dont know if I'd say anything to someone

who was putting their children down all the time, but I do know i would

not

be around them !! I guess thats what happened to nada...she'd have

friends,

but only for short periods of time, then she'd have a new set of friends...

Jackie

My mother was somewhat like this...although, as I got older, she talked

really bad about me to her 'friends' and other family members. She may have

done it when I was little and I just didn't notice, but she was bad about

it

when I was older. I often wonder what other people thought of her and why

NO ONE stood up and said what she was doing was wrong. Granted, most of her

friends hit the high road early on, but still...if one of my friend's

talked so negative about their kids, I'm afraid I'd have to say something.