Re: dysfunctional sibling?

[Guest guest]

Consider PTSD. Plain and simple.

She coughs, he jumps. He's been traumatized beyone belief.... he's afraid of

her, doesn't know why, and won't be able to function til that is brought to the

forefront and dealt with.

Lynnette

>

> I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

>

> My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

>

> He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

>

> He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my filtered

water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled water for

him to drink.

>

> He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

>

> My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

>

> I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

>

> He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

>

> Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

>

> Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I think my brother is a little bit *off* but he can manage socially and all

that.

He has friends and can be very friendly. But he has other traits that make me

see how he has been affected or has inherited.

He was/is the Golden one. He was a jerk to me as a kid and lazy. Never had to

do chores. Well he had to but he didn't do them. We had to share a car at one

point (brilliant idea!) and in his mind it was *his*. I had to fight with him

to use it

at certain times and he would be so rageful. Later on we were in a similar

situation

and he took the distributor cap off the engine so I couldn't take the car on a

planned

trip to see my boyfriend for the weekend!

I didn't start to even like him until I was forty and would visit him in Maine.

He is

pretty self involved, always showing off his artwork and talking about his life.

(he was always *the artist* and got special attention for that, from both

parents).

He easily gets into a rage and has raged at different people in our family,

including

myself and one time wanted to kick my sister out of the car, at night, on the

highway

driving home after seeing my dad in the hospital when he was dying. He was

going to

drive her daughter home, but not her. My sister was sickly too (obviously

because

she died 18 months later). She refused to get out. Didn't forgive him for it.

He had a marriage that didn't last; I think because of his self absorbed

tendencies.

And no relationship since then except one the past couple years that did not

last.

I actually felt bad for him about that (I don't want people to be alone if they

don't want to). He is a bit of a Hermit.

But like I said, he functions in life, lives in a low sort of way financially

(which I don't

judge, but it could indicate something, given his artistic talents). But to me

there

is something *off* about him, that reminds me of my mom and grand mom.

~patricia

dysfunctional sibling?

I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my filtered

water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled water for

him to drink.

He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

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[Guest guest]

Oh ! I am feeling so much compassion for your brother. PTSD does sound

like a possibility. Here is where I guess I should be grateful that my nada

always seemed to hate me. There but for the grace of god...

Deanna

>

> I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

>

> My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

>

> He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

>

> He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my filtered

water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled water for

him to drink.

>

> He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

>

> My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

>

> I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

>

> He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

>

> Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

>

> Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

For sure it does seem like the favored siblings are the ones at greater

likelyhood to have severely disordered interactions themselves.

But I'm an only child with a stepbrother who's an only child, and admittedly we

didn't talk much. We still don't, thanks to stepnada's intervention. He was the

favored one, I wasn't. I have a happy marriage and I work on myself; he has had

a series of relationships that have never lasted long enough to become

marriages.

So, so sad.

But refectively, perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that I was not the

favored child. I had to figure out real actual coping skills on my own.

May you all be blessed with both hands,

Tina

> >

> > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> >

> > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

> >

> > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

> >

> > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled

water for him to drink.

> >

> > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

> >

> > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

> >

> > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

> >

> > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> >

> > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> >

> > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I don't think being the favored child is always the best thing. I was the

favored child by my mother and my sister was favored by my father... I think

I am more affected than my sister, who is older than me. When I became an

adult, my mother DROVE ME CRAZY with her demandingness and interference in

my life. I could.not.move that she didn't need to know about it. She felt

she had to talk to me 5 times a day and heaven forbid that i didn't answer

the phone because she instantly started calling inlaws and neighbors looking

for me. Then she would leave me message after message about the 'stress' I

was putting her in by not telling her I was okay (when I had talked to her

2 hours prior) and how I didn't care about her or her feelings and she

couldn't believe after all she had done for me how ungrateful I was...and what

a selfish, selfish daughter she had raised.

It never ended. I used to call it her 'psycho-calling.' Now that she is

dead, my dad will admit he saw it as abnormal, but at the time, would yell at

me as much as she did. And when I moved 280 miles away? Oh.my.lord. The

gloves were on then. She did everything from threatening suicide to trying to

tell my husband to divorce me to get me to stay there. She later accused me

of causing her to get emphysema. So basically, I killed her because I

moved away. She stressed so much that she smoked more and that caused her

emphysema. Ugh.

In a message dated 6/4/2010 8:51:13 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

tina_newton@... writes:

For sure it does seem like the favored siblings are the ones at greater

likelyhood to have severely disordered interactions themselves.

But I'm an only child with a stepbrother who's an only child, and

admittedly we didn't talk much. We still don't, thanks to stepnada's

intervention.

He was the favored one, I wasn't. I have a happy marriage and I work on

myself; he has had a series of relationships that have never lasted long

enough to become marriages.

So, so sad.

But refectively, perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that I was not the

favored child. I had to figure out real actual coping skills on my own.

May you all be blessed with both hands,

Tina

> >

> > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's

behavior until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am

now wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> >

> > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life.

He lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back

in. Even when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a

day and she would visit several times a week. She also did his laundry,

cleaning, and cooking so he still hasn't developed those skills.

> >

> > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high

school. Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's

quizzes and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and

I'm not sure if that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend

separated in college when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in

trouble.

> >

> > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of

bottled water for him to drink.

> >

> > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline

Mother. He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are

following him when he drives.

> >

> > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively

trying to sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain

dependent. It hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has

forced him into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he

finishes the application process and starts school she changes her mind and

makes him start the whole process over again for another career.

> >

> > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has

tried explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and

may not be as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how

inappropriate it is. When I left the field of medicine he told me my nada was

going to

kill herself if I didn't return to training and that I should return to

save the family.

> >

> > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when

I ask him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> >

> > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years:

ADHD, asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> >

> > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Of course, that sounds horrible. My nada was not quite that bad, but she did

demand that I speak to her on the phone almost every day, for about an hour.

And I was not allowed to go anywhere without telling her first.

This was the bizarre thing about my life with nada. As a kid, she HATED me.

Didn't want to play with me or talk to me or spend any time with me.

THEN when I left the house, she wanted to swoop in and be my best friend. Or

shall I say frienemy? Cruel, bullying, judgmental, rude, selfish, hateful,

controlling best friend.

Parents like this just DON'T GET that they REAP WHAT THEY SEW. When you

humiliate, bully, laugh at, violate your child, they grow up to NOT LIKE YOU.

No. Duh.

And my father was just like yours. I KNOW he KNOWS she is " a little off " but

when she is freaking about dumb crap, he runs in to " protect " her from me.

Whether he does it by yelling at me or hitting me.

Deanna

> > >

> > > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's

> behavior until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am

> now wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> > >

> > > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life.

> He lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back

> in. Even when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a

> day and she would visit several times a week. She also did his laundry,

> cleaning, and cooking so he still hasn't developed those skills.

> > >

> > > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high

> school. Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's

> quizzes and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and

> I'm not sure if that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend

> separated in college when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in

> trouble.

> > >

> > > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

> filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of

> bottled water for him to drink.

> > >

> > > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline

> Mother. He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are

> following him when he drives.

> > >

> > > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively

> trying to sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain

> dependent. It hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She

has

> forced him into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he

> finishes the application process and starts school she changes her mind and

> makes him start the whole process over again for another career.

> > >

> > > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has

> tried explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and

> may not be as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how

> inappropriate it is. When I left the field of medicine he told me my nada was

going to

> kill herself if I didn't return to training and that I should return to

> save the family.

> > >

> > > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when

> I ask him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> > >

> > > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years:

> ADHD, asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> > >

> > > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I would really like to know if this was the experience of anyone else here?

> > > >

> > > > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's

> > behavior until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar.

> I am

> > now wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her

> craziness!

> > > >

> > > > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his

> life.

> > He lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved

> back

> > in. Even when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a

> > day and she would visit several times a week. She also did his laundry,

> > cleaning, and cooking so he still hasn't developed those skills.

> > > >

> > > > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high

> > school. Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last

> year's

> > quizzes and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and

> > I'm not sure if that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last

> friend

> > separated in college when my brother cheated off of him and they both

> got in

> > trouble.

> > > >

> > > > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

> > filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of

> > bottled water for him to drink.

> > > >

> > > > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline

> > Mother. He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are

> > following him when he drives.

> > > >

> > > > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively

> > trying to sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain

> > dependent. It hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end.

> She has

> > forced him into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he

> > finishes the application process and starts school she changes her mind

> and

> > makes him start the whole process over again for another career.

> > > >

> > > > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he

> has

> > tried explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada

> and

> > may not be as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how

> > inappropriate it is. When I left the field of medicine he told me my

> nada was going to

> > kill herself if I didn't return to training and that I should return to

> > save the family.

> > > >

> > > > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage-

> when

> > I ask him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> > > >

> > > > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years:

> > ADHD, asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

they have kids for them...because they are lacking something within them

and I think in their twisted minds, they believe they can have kids who will

love and cherish them and never question their authority when other adults

remove themselves from the situation. they can, unfortunately, get out a

lot of their issue that might be perpetrated on other adults otherwise.

thats what i think anyway.

In a message dated 6/4/2010 1:57:18 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

this is ust like my nada !! I always wondered why she had kids..she never

had anything to do with us, but she still controlled our every move..who

we

were with, time we had to be in the house, time we had to be in bed, time

we had to get up, she knew where we were every second of every day

>This was the bizarre thing about my life with nada. As a kid, she HATED

>me. Didn't want to play with me or talk to me or spend any time with me.

>THEN when I left the house, she wanted to swoop in and be my best friend.

>Or shall I say frienemy? Cruel, bullying, judgmental, rude, selfish,

>hateful, controlling best friend.

my nada was always this way...she didnt want much to do with us, but she

was

always very controling, a bully, cruel, judgemental, hateful...and she

always told us " I am NOT your friend, I am your mother!! "

Jackie

[Guest guest]

wow that's so weird- my nada was definitely aloof too! I always described her as

the most controlling neglectful parent ever. We were always enrolled in classes

or summer camp so she never had to deal with us but always had to know where we

were. I got a cell phone at 14 and my friends thought I was so lucky but it

really was just a tracking device. She is now repeating the cycle with my baby

cousins. When they visit from India for two weeks, she enrolls them in sports

camp for 10 days so they're out of the house. It's so true that they reap what

they sow- they weren't loving at all and were fairweather friends when they

should have shown us unconditional love. I don't even tolerate that type of

treatment from my friends, I don't know how nada thinks we will tolerate it from

her.

>

> this is ust like my nada !! I always wondered why she had kids..she never

> had anything to do with us, but she still controlled our every move..who we

> were with, time we had to be in the house, time we had to be in bed, time

> we had to get up, she knew where we were every second of every day

>

>

> >This was the bizarre thing about my life with nada. As a kid, she HATED

> >me. Didn't want to play with me or talk to me or spend any time with me.

>

> >THEN when I left the house, she wanted to swoop in and be my best friend.

> >Or shall I say frienemy? Cruel, bullying, judgmental, rude, selfish,

> >hateful, controlling best friend.

>

> my nada was always this way...she didnt want much to do with us, but she was

> always very controling, a bully, cruel, judgemental, hateful...and she

> always told us " I am NOT your friend, I am your mother!! "

>

>

> Jackie

>

[Guest guest]

Coco I always knew my sister was ill as well. Her behavior was/is very much like

fada's. She was the golden child so I don't think her behavior is so much from

abuse as it could be more learned behavior from not having to be accountable.

Also, her " temperment " has always been like his; very short fuse, excitable and

so forth so I am pretty sure it is a genetic factor. I was always expected to

walk on egg shells around her too. Shoot she even looks like him. Another thing

to note is the further away from all that I got, the healthier I became. She

reentered the den however......

>

> I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

>

> My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

>

> He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

>

> He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my filtered

water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled water for

him to drink.

>

> He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

>

> My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

>

> I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

>

> He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

>

> Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

>

> Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Carol, that's very interesting how you describe your sister. I say the same

thing about my brother- that most of it is learned behavior and he doesn't know

better. I feel a lot more guilty setting boundaries with him because I view him

as more of a victim. BUT I also realize just because he's a victim doesn't allow

him to continue the cycle of abuse with me. I'm working on LC/NC with the family

unit- it's sad to voluntarily orphan yourself but I think it's even sadder to

not really be able to experience the joys of life.

> >

> > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> >

> > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

> >

> > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

> >

> > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled

water for him to drink.

> >

> > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

> >

> > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

> >

> > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

> >

> > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> >

> > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> >

> > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Tina I think you are right on this. Also, since we were not the favored child

we had to get the hell away from it so perhaps we were able to heal and grow

into healthier human beings.

> > >

> > > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's

behavior until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am

now wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> > >

> > > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

> > >

> > > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high

school. Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's

quizzes and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not

sure if that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in

college when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

> > >

> > > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled

water for him to drink.

> > >

> > > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline

Mother. He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following

him when he drives.

> > >

> > > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying

to sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

> > >

> > > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has

tried explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may

not be as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is.

When I left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself

if I didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

> > >

> > > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I

ask him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> > >

> > > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> > >

> > > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

This is true - I am an only child and until about age 30 was split white with

only brief trips to being split black which were so awful that I cooperated with

however my nada wanted me to be. This led to a huge amount of loss of knowing

myself and loss of personal power I still am trying to sort out. The favored

child is in the apparently enviable position of getting treated better, but that

child knows that that treatment comes at the cost of total submission. The

unfavored child for whatever reason never even really has the option to submit

and get half-way decent treatment, so I think ultimately they get a better shot

at keeping their self-hood and making a stand earlier in life to individuate.

If they don't even have the option to " sell-out " they get to keep some pretty

important things though I know they suffer much worse overt abuse.

It just sucks. Mentally ill people shouldn't be allowed to raise children.

julie

> > > >

> > > > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's

behavior until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am

now wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> > > >

> > > > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life.

He lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in.

Even when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she

would visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and

cooking so he still hasn't developed those skills.

> > > >

> > > > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high

school. Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's

quizzes and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not

sure if that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in

college when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

> > > >

> > > > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled

water for him to drink.

> > > >

> > > > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline

Mother. He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following

him when he drives.

> > > >

> > > > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively

trying to sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain

dependent. It hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has

forced him into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes

the application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him

start the whole process over again for another career.

> > > >

> > > > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has

tried explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may

not be as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is.

When I left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself

if I didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

> > > >

> > > > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I

ask him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> > > >

> > > > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> > > >

> > > > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

AGREED.

Society doesn't allow schizophrenics to raise children (if it comes to the

attention of the authorities).

BPD is far more insidious, and potentially fatal (suicides) for its victims.

It's like the a-bomb of personality, and we all have radiation sickness.

Tina

>

> It just sucks. Mentally ill people shouldn't be allowed to raise children.

>

> julie

>

>

[Guest guest]

Coco, is my brother the clone of your brother? Our nada's created these monsters

girl....... my story might sound familiar.

I have two bada's age 35 and 32. One split white, and the younger was split

black. Please research " Dependent Personality Disorder " My therapist is

suspicious that the golden child, older bada has this disorder. It makes sense

to me.

Golden bada has a hard time keeping a job, his sole lifetime goal is to collect

unemployment insurance. As a child he acquired a paper route, then he refused to

get out of bed in the morning to deliver. Nada dragged the two younger, split

black children out of bed to do his paper route for him and still allowed him to

keep the money for the work. Nada constantly made excuses for his bad grades

even though his teacher's always claimed he was highly intelligent but just

really, really lazy. Nada wrote notes to the gym teacher so golden boy wouldn't

have to run in gym as his poor, fragile knees couldn't take it. Golden boy was

precious and special, he and only he, was enrolled in band and received an

instrument which he promptly quit. I begged for piano lessons and was yelled at

and told to shut up. Golden boy received a car, gas cards, new clothes, post

secondary student loans paid off for him (he dropped out and still has no

degree) off the hook for drinking and driving and wrecking nada's car multiple

times. If the two split black children were half dead nada would be hard pressed

to notice or care even.

Golden bada has no ability to have a relationship with a female, has lost almost

all of his friends and depends on nada for everything. He even stole nada's

credit card number to pay his internet/cable bill for three years. I

investigated it, busted him, told nada how to stop it and nada wanted to

continue paying his bills! He's 35! Golden boy uses nada's car with no license,

takes nada's money, etc. etc.

The golden bada berates and insults everybody around him, especially after you

have done something nice for him. He is aloof, a know-it-all, and even refers to

himself as " a god " in his field. He works at an IT computer repair shop for

slightly more than minimum wage. Golden bada even expected me to buy his

cigarettes for him, before I went LC! He has almost a mind-control of my nada,

she hangs on his every word and worships him like the apparent god he is *winks*

He's short and bald but apparently too good for any woman. Oh, and he thinks I

am stupid, bitchy, and a slut.

Split black bada still lives with nada and has been diagnosed with Bipolar but I

KNOW he also has NPD. This bada is highly physically and emotionally abusive to

nada and me, and is extremely volatile and unpredictable. This bada also has no

hope of a relationship with a female, ever. Split black bada also cannot keep a

job and alienates almost everyone around him with his bizarre behaviour. He too

has an aloof, better-than-you attitude and has had suicidal spells. Oh and this

bada apparently thinks I am made of money and a total bitch to boot, and yes I

am also too good for my family because I have a rich boyfriend. Did I mention I

was single at that time? Anyway.......

Nada still does both bada's laundry, cooks for split black bada every day, he

uses her car and has destroyed it, and burned cigarette holes in it. Nada always

hosts the two bada's on EVERY holiday with big, elaborate dinners..... (I have

NOTHING to do with any of this crap anymore). Nada cooks, cleans, and lays down

for the constant barrage of abuse from these two bada's and that's the way she

likes it. Nada expects me to follow her example and has facilitated my abuse by

the bada's my entire life before I went LC and NC.

The three of them are like a big dysfunctional, incestuous dream team of

disorder and delusion. It's shocking, really sad. None of them will ever break

free and have a meaningful relationship with anybody. This has been going on for

35 years.

And yes, my nada tries to manipulate and control my life at every pass.

Including syphoning money out of me to filter down to the loser badas. Nada

FREAKED when I moved 40 minutes away at the age of 27.

Welcome to Oz.

>

> I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

>

> My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

>

> He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

>

> He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my filtered

water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled water for

him to drink.

>

> He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

>

> My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

>

> I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

>

> He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

>

> Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

>

> Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

haha, that is ridiculous! In some ways it's really sad because these boys had no

control over their upbringing- but in other ways it's vindicating to know that

they are toxic too and it's ok to cut them out. I completely understand that

mental illness is not a choice, but I have to believe that our badas made some

decisions early on that led them down this road. For instance, when my nada

tried to make us cheat I refused but my bada didn't- that seems very clear to me

that he made the choice to not stand up for his morals.

Hellfireblonde, how do you deal with the insanity of your badas? Are you

completely NC now?

> >

> > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's behavior

until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am now

wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> >

> > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

> >

> > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high school.

Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's quizzes

and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not sure if

that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in college

when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

> >

> > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled

water for him to drink.

> >

> > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following him when

he drives.

> >

> > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying to

sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

> >

> > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has tried

explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may not be

as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is. When I

left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself if I

didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

> >

> > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I ask

him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> >

> > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> >

> > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

What IS it with these parents who allow their sons to grow up as useless wastes

of air and space? I fail to understand...

My own brother had some learning and health difficulties early on, so rather

than being painted black or white, he was given a lifetime list of excuses for

everything he did/failed to do. I was expected to set high goals and achieve

them, and was then criticized for being physically unattractive, but he grew up

lazy, unwilling or unable to focus on much of anything, and good looking enough

to get away with it. He suckered Nada into buying him mortgages (he defaulted),

co-signing on a few cars (he defaulted), taking in his pregnant alcoholic

girlfriend (this was at a time when I was sending her rent money - and bada and

his skanky mate blew their meager wages on cases of beer rather than kicking in

for the utilities they were using).

Nada's refusal to hold Bada accountable, and his abuse of her and everybody else

around him, led to my first NC. I didn't know it was called that - I just

refused to have anything to do with him, and asked Nada not to give him my

address or phone number. It lasted for more than ten years before he died.

(No, I don't miss him, and no, I don't regret the NC.) Then when I realized

Nada was just plain crazy and it wasn't my fault, that made NC with her much

easier.

As the parent of a son, I will say this - raising a child isn't for sissies.

It's hard work, and you screw it up at your peril. A man who doesn't learn to

have an internal moral compass as a boy is a loose cannon - he either gets put

right by some external force (prison? the military? religion?) or he has the

capacity to wreak havoc on his family, friends, lovers, and society in general.

That's why I simply cannot fathom any parent allowing a child to be so devoid of

personal ethics, so lacking in life skills, that they become a drain on their

community.

Sorry to be up on the soapbox like this, but I've seen this same pattern with my

brother and my husband's nephew - it makes me wonder what their parents thought

would happen to that baby boy when they indulged him and failed to hold him

accountable for his actions.

> > >

> > > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's

behavior until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am

now wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> > >

> > > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life. He

lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back in. Even

when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a day and she would

visit several times a week. She also did his laundry, cleaning, and cooking so

he still hasn't developed those skills.

> > >

> > > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high

school. Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's

quizzes and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and I'm not

sure if that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend separated in

college when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in trouble.

> > >

> > > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of bottled

water for him to drink.

> > >

> > > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline

Mother. He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are following

him when he drives.

> > >

> > > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively trying

to sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain dependent. It

hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She has forced him

into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he finishes the

application process and starts school she changes her mind and makes him start

the whole process over again for another career.

> > >

> > > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has

tried explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and may

not be as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how inappropriate it is.

When I left the field of medicine he told me my nada was going to kill herself

if I didn't return to training and that I should return to save the family.

> > >

> > > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when I

ask him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> > >

> > > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years: ADHD,

asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> > >

> > > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

, your question:

>

> Hellfireblonde, how do you deal with the insanity of your badas? Are you

completely NC now?

I am NC with one bada, and LC (virtually NC) with the other bada. I was very

honest with my boundary and expressly opened up about why. Of course nada and

badas desperately try to hoover me back into the fray because they need a

punching bag. I never budge. It's been about 4 years since I saw one bada. If he

is somewhere, I do not go. It's the perfect excuse to stay away from nada's

house because he lives there. I get some triangulation through the relatives via

the active smear campaign that is ongoing against me. Most of the relatives have

come to realize who the crazy one is though, and for that I am grateful. I

actively forged positive relationships with some of them since my BPD

emancipation.

Occasionally I will get a shaky voice message asking me to call him (NC bada)

and I promptly delete and ignore it. Nada tried to talk me into supporting my

bada after he got his Bipolar diagnosis. I refused, and of course nada scoffed.

If she only knew how little I cared about her opinion.

I simply do not respond whatsoever to anything that smacks of: abusive

(physical, emotional, verbal, financial), emotional blackmailing, guilt,

triangulation, waifiness, coersion, or out-of-the-ordinary niceness. It's all a

trap for HF and I have let my guard down in the past and been burned, badly. So

I simply made the NC decision period. I do not waver, ever. My bada could be

dying in the hospital and I would not go.

To be honest some days I still have overwhelming grief that hits me out of

nowhere. The gravity of having an absentee, alcoholic, NPD father, a waif/witch

nada, a NPD bada, and a NPD/Dependent bada is horrible. I have virtually no

contact with all of them and I feel very alone some days. Some days I wonder how

I remained un-crazy and non-addicted.

[Guest guest]

It's almost like the favorite child becomes a psychological crutch to the nada

in childhood and then they are never allowed to leave - because then she'll

" fall over " . Any attempt to leave or distance in any way starts them falling

which increases the pressure to not do so.

> > >

> > > I had never directly attributed my brother's dysfunction to nada's

> behavior until someone alluded to her brother who sounded quite similar. I am

> now wondering how much of his personality is actually due to her craziness!

> > >

> > > My brother is almost 30 years old and has never had a job in his life.

> He lived 45 min away from home for a few years but has recently moved back

> in. Even when he lived away from home he called my nada several times a

> day and she would visit several times a week. She also did his laundry,

> cleaning, and cooking so he still hasn't developed those skills.

> > >

> > > He used to have friends in middle school but had even fewer in high

> school. Growing up, my nada tried to force us to cheat by getting last year's

> quizzes and tests and I always refused. My brother complied though, and

> I'm not sure if that made him think cheating was ok. He and his last friend

> separated in college when my brother cheated off of him and they both got in

> trouble.

> > >

> > > He is the golden child and is spoiled rotten- when he visited me, my

> filtered water wasn't good enough for him and I had to go buy a case of

> bottled water for him to drink.

> > >

> > > He fits the hermit description a lot in Understanding the Borderline

> Mother. He has many paranoid tendencies and often thinks people are

> following him when he drives.

> > >

> > > My therapist has recently made me realize that my nada is actively

> trying to sabotage my brother's and my professional careers so we remain

> dependent. It hasn't worked on my end but it completely has on his end. She

has

> forced him into schooling for many different careers, and soon after he

> finishes the application process and starts school she changes her mind and

> makes him start the whole process over again for another career.

> > >

> > > I also wonder if my brother has bpd because although he's meek, he has

> tried explicit manipulation. I think it's a learned behavior from nada and

> may not be as consciously manipulative but doesn't realize how

> inappropriate it is. When I left the field of medicine he told me my nada was

going to

> kill herself if I didn't return to training and that I should return to

> save the family.

> > >

> > > He also maybe gaslights? I feel like he has severe memory damage- when

> I ask him what he did that day he has to check his notes to remember.

> > >

> > > Here are the many diagnoses I have wondered about over the years:

> ADHD, asperger's, paranoid schizophrenia, BPD.

> > >

> > > Have any of you had similar experiences with your siblings??

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

>

>