good to see you again

June 4, 2010

It's been a while since I stopped here for a visit. Once or twice this week,

I've lurked a little, trying to decide whether I need to post something (and if

so, what it might be), or whether simply reading your posts would suffice. I'm

still not sure what the answer is, but I will say hello anyway!

Overall, this past year has been uneventful for me. But lately, even among a

supportive husband and group of " real-life " girlfriends who truly understand, I

just felt the need to pop back in and read.

This past year, my mother has been diagnosed with two major diseases. Both

times, it is rather clear to me that she wants me to freak out about it. With

her second diagnosis, she had my dad call my husband to tell him about it,

supposedly because if they were to tell me, I'd be so worried that my milk would

dry out (I'm nursing a baby)! When you step back from it, it's just

mind-bogglingly funny. I have since talked about it with her, and I perceived

that she was confused and disappointed that I would be so calm.

That said, this second diagnosis (lymphoma), while still so small the team at

the Mayo clinic (yes, my mother goes all the way across the country from Texas

to visit the doctor, because the local ones just aren't good enough for her!)

doesn't even want to treat it yet...well, it has made me face the fact that one

of these days, she really will depart this life. It makes me feel a great

mixture of things. I no longer yearn for that day the way I did before I

started to learn to " detach with love. " I am sad for it, mostly because I am

sorry that she has never been able to make herself happy. She has been a sad,

confused person for as long as I remember, and I would really like her to find

peace. I feel frustrated, because I would have loved for my relationship with

my mother to be one of those warm-fuzzy ones that she still tries to pretend we

have. And, I'm rather dreading the day she really does get sick and all the

manipulation and clinging and fear that she will bring to the situation.

And lately, she's really been pushing boundaries. Several years back, she used

to beg me to send my kids up to stay with her for a week. I finally told her

that was never going to happen, because I don't trust her to be alone with my

kids, and that I wanted her to stop asking and to stop offering to babysit. The

conversation ended with her crying, my dad telling me how wrong I was, and me

hanging up and feeling anxious and relieved all at once. It worked for about a

year, when we were at dinner and she leaned over and whispered to my 6-year-old

that he should come stay with her for a week. I heard this--though she clearly

thought she was being sneaky--and told her that was inappropriate, that we had

already discussed that, and that the children would never be coming to stay with

her. Which, predictably, again resulted in her bursting into uncontrollable

tears. Then, about a month ago, we went with my parents to two restaurants.

Both times, she managed to find something to cry about. The second time, she

was triggered when she noticed my neighbor's house had been for sale, so she

offered to move down here to " help " with my kids, driving them to school and

such (We live a block from school and walk most days, but that doesn't matter in

BPD-land). I was forced to reiterate the boundary yet again. Joy of joys.

This time, the other adults had left the table, so it was just her and me, and

she lashed out worse than she had in a long time. I used all the right

strategies, did all the right things, gathered my family, and left. We have

decided that we will not be eating out with her ever again.

Anyway, I know this is just her new way of picking fights. She likes to do

something that she knows will make me say something " ugly " so that when she

feels badly, she can blame it on me instead of dealing with the deep dark pit

within herself. This is the kind of thing I want so badly for her to figure out

and fix before she's gone. I know I have no power or control over that. I know

that I am a compassionate, loving, fun person, and that it is her choice not to

see those traits. There is no way for me to help her or save her, because she

doesn't want help or saving. She wants to pull me under with her, and I won't

go.

I have undergone most of the grief over the imaginary wonderful mother I wished

I had and am gearing up for the day--even if it's still 10 or 20 years

away--when I have to watch the real one suffer and then put her in the ground.

Remembering that others of you have already done this is encouraging, and I am

hoping to draw strength from your experiences. I am not excited about the

possibility that my dad could go first, or that I will have more BPD traits to

deal with when she becomes very ill, as some of you are experiencing right now.

I like to think that I know what I'm doing--and in many ways I do, I have

learned a lot since leaving the FOG--but there is still a lot to figure out.

So, I guess it turns out that what I needed was to share. I think I will

consider this a short visit back to the board, like a weekend holiday to see old

friends. It is good to see both old names and new here.

KT

June 4, 2010

Thanks kte,

Insightful words of wisdom. I am thankful that you shared.

patinage

>

> It's been a while since I stopped here for a visit. Once or twice this week,