GREAT ATTITUDE a thanks

[Guest guest]

you set the example and remind me that it doesn't matter how offended i am or how bad my days may be that i make offensive comments .... our goal is to help our loved ones in need...

thanks

HIGH TEN

To: mb12 valtrex Sent: Thu, February 18, 2010 1:03:24 PMSubject: REspectfully FOR Ms. MARCIA....Re: http://www.stopcallingitautism.com/ HIGH TEN!

Im new to this group, and I love it so far, I dont really read the drama. I want the opportunity to learn as much as I can from any mother or father that has recovered their child. I too want to recover my child and my heart tells me the only way I will accomplish that is by taking in everything I can from other parents who have lived the same struggle I am living today.Marcia, I would like to hear about how you recovered your child.> > >> > > Kerrie,> >

>> > > It is important for you to reconnect with your husband or you will > > be doing> > > this nightmare alone and with less financial support. Start > > treating your> > > husband like he is the most important thing ever and you care > > about him> > > deeply and complimenting him on things. (ABA works on husbands too.)> > > Sometimes this makes you remember what you liked about him in the > > first> > > place> > >> > >> > >> > > Guys are simple creatures. A lot easier than us. All they want is > > food,> > > sex and respect. If you treat him with respect rather than anger > > even if> > > you don't feel it, it will make him change and you will be amazed > > at the> > > difference in your marriage. We all need to

feel valued and loved. > > I know> > > how hard it is when you are exhausted and you feel your partner is > > not doing> > > the best for your kid. I used to have major issues with my husband > > and we> > > almost didn't make it because of . The stress was enormous. > > But now I> > > think we could make it through anything and we did.> > >> > >> > >> > > I am including the summary of a chapter from my book I am in the > > process of> > > writing so you can see how not alone we are in the issues of > > husbands and> > > sick kids. I hope you and your husband can survive this. Doing > > this alone> > > would be even worse than the fighting. Call me if you need to vent.> > >> > > Marcia> > >>

> > 805 497-8202> > >> > >> > >> > > Here is the chapter summary:> > >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > > "Sometimes we are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the > > faucet" ~> > > Author Unknown> > >> > >> > >> > >> > > Chapter 11> > >> > > Family Dynamics…Why 85% of the Marriages with Children with "autis > > m" End in> > > Divorce> > >> > > ***Note: At the end of this chapter is a sidebar written by , > > 's> > > dad.> > >> > > I talk to many parents from the NIDS list serve (an online group > > of people> > > who have loved ones with "autism"). Originally this group started

> > as a> > > result of Dr. Goldberg's medical treatments for "autism", but now > > not all> > > members are his patients. The group has evolved and this > > discussion group> > > covers everything from new medical research to how to deal with > > schools and> > > other everyday issues associated with our children. It is almost a > > support> > > group for parents. I read all the posts just in case I can help > > those still> > > immersed in the trenches. There are some amazing people in the > > group.> > > They know much more about the medical than I do and I have learned > > so much> > > from them. It is funny how we can talk to each other about so many > > things> > > we would never admit to anyone else. I think it is because we are > >

all in> > > the "A" club and understand how difficult it can be living with our> > > children. We would die for our kids and love them more than > > anything, but> > > at the same time hate them for creating this horrible situation in > > our> > > lives.> > >> > > One of the biggest problems we have to face as parents is dealing > > with the> > > stress these kids put on a family and marriage. There is a reason > > so many> > > marriages with our kind of kids end in divorce.> > >> > > The following is an example of a story a mom privately wrote me > > off list> > > retelling her frustration with all the problems in the family > > created by> > > living with a child with "autism":> > >> > > "Tommy (changed the name)

knocked over his dresser last night and > > my husband> > > lost it. He called our son an idiot and a retard and he said he > > hated him.> > > He said we can't have a normal life with him around. He said all > > he can do> > > is eat and poop. He can't even have a normal conversation. "> > >> > > She ended the email with "Thanks for listening to me. I know you> > > understand. When your son used to bite your daughter, how did your > > husband> > > react? I hope you have a supportive husband."> > >> > > This is how I answered her:> > >> > > "I do get it. There were many scenes like this in our house. These > > kids put> > > a tremendous stress on a marriage. We all lose it, even us moms. > > We cry,> > > while men tend to get

mad. The difference was that when I lost it, > > I knew I> > > still loved my son. But when my husband lost it, I felt like I had > > to> > > protect him from his own father. There were times when he was too > > physical> > > because he was at a loss as to what to do. In the early days when > > nothing> > > else worked, I even tried the occasional smack, although I never > > used this> > > method on my daughter. Back then I was so frustrated I tried > > anything, even> > > though it wasn't the right thing to do. Although men are different > > from> > > women, he feels the same helplessness that you do. Your husband > > doesn't> > > know what to do or how to help you or your son, so he reacts.> > >> > > We were usually at our best when we had a

plan on how to do things,> > > eventually the plan would go out the window and we would have a > > scene like> > > you described. We almost didn't make it through this hell. Try not > > to hate> > > your husband too much after these times. (Easier said than done.) > > If you> > > guys survive this, your marriage will be strong enough to withstand> > > anything. Since we made it through the tough years, we know > > we can> > > overcome anything. Your husband is hurting as much as you are and > > feels he> > > has to protect you too. As a result, he doesn't talk about his > > fears. We> > > can't talk about our fears to them because they just get upset. > > What a big> > > mess these situations with our children create. Please call me if > > you

just> > > need to talk. And if your husband wants to talk to mine that's > > okay too. "> > >> > > Side Bar -- 's Dad on Marriage and Family> > >> > > I think there are several aspects to what a child with "autism" > > does to a> > > family. First of all, there is the loss of the dream. Every parent,> > > depending on what baggage they bring to the family, has a dream > > for their> > > child. It may be the lead in the high school musical, scoring the > > winning> > > touchdown, or going off with friends to the prom. It may sound > > unimportant> > > in the larger scheme of things, but you are crushed at the > > prospect of> > > knowing that you are no longer in a position to even hope that > > these things> > > may happen. The

doctors tell you that your child may eventually > > have to be> > > institutionalized, or at best, live with you for the rest of their > > life. So> > > you take your dreams in smaller bites and don't look too far into > > the> > > future. You'd be surprised at the joy you can find in small > > things. He> > > talked to a kid at school, he was invited to a birthday party, and > > he> > > learned how to jump rope. Next thing you know, you're dreaming > > again.> > > Maybe it's not the Heisman Trophy, maybe it's that he gets to play > > in the> > > marching band. You can't keep going without the dreams, no matter > > how> > > small.> > >> > > Even after you start climbing out of the abyss; it is not a > > constant climb.> > >

Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes two steps forward and > > three> > > steps back. That is both frustrating and frightening. But as long > > as there> > > is a forward step, there is hope. And as long as there is hope, > > there are> > > possibilities. Throughout middle school, high school and even > > today, > > > has an occasional meltdown. But the difference is we have hope and > > there is> > > always forward movement.> > > I find life to be at its most difficult when I have no plan. Not > > having a> > > plan occasionally happens with all kids, but it is a constant > > state of being> > > with an "autistic" child. What do we try next? Auditory training,> > > occupational therapy, 3-D glasses (I'm joking about that, although > > we>

> > actually tried them...), bouncing around from doctor to doctor, > > feeling that> > > life was completely out of control. The missteps are frustrating. > > However,> > > it is important to have a plan, even though you are always > > tweaking it.> > >> > >> > > And then there is the resentment. Who do you blame for this? Who > > carried> > > around this bad chromosome? Marcia's family is a little weird, > > but, wait a> > > minute, so is mine. I found myself being very angry about this. We > > had no> > > direction, my daughter was not getting the attention she deserved, > > and I was> > > angry at . I smacked him when he misbehaved, and I see now > > that I was> > > just trying to get control of a situation over which I had no

> > control. It> > > didn't work and it was the wrong thing to do. I resented for > > what he> > > had done to our lives, and then I felt guilty for resenting this > > lost and> > > innocent child who was completely overwhelmed by the world around > > him. And> > > my progress out of this was much like 's, steps forward and > > back.> > > I guess what I'm saying is that if you let the loss of your dreams > > and hope,> > > the lack of control, the resentment and guilt over the resentment > > take over> > > your life, you cannot make it out of this. Life becomes a series > > of small> > > bites, small successes and hopefully only small setbacks. When you > > come out> > > the other side of this, your family is better for it. My daughter

> > is a more> > > generous, giving, and tolerant person for having helped take care > > of my son.> > > My wife will help anyone, anytime with anything. As for me, I'm > > just lucky> > > to have them.> > >> > > ²> > >> >> >> >> >>