Re: Setting Limits and Explaining Limits

[Guest guest]

You can't have a rational discussion with someone who isn't

rational.

Why do you feel a need to have a frank discussion with her about

this? What are you hoping to achieve?

My experience is that attempting to explain why your limits are

what they are isn't likely to have good results. What can you

possibily say to her about that that isn't going to seem

offensive to your nada? You say you're not concerned about her

feelings, but what would be the point of making her upset?

Having a verbal fight with her isn't going to do anyone any good

and is likely to make her behavior worse not better. If she

doesn't see that the things she wants to do are wrong, you're

not going to be able to explain in a way she can understand.

They don't think the way we do. They don't view the world the

way we do. In their minds what they're doing is what they should

be doing, not crazy and abusive behavior.

Personally, I don't make any attempt to explain things to my

nada anymore. She seems to have the emotional maturity of a

three-year-old so I treat her like one where my boundaries are

concerned. I tell her the way things will be and if she breaks

my rules I give her one warning. If she doesn't listen to the

warning, there are consequences that she doesn't like.

At 04:48 PM 05/28/2010 ldp604 wrote:

>I have been dealing w/ a undiagnosed (isn't that fun?) BPD nada

>and have been working hard to set limits that work for my

>family. We live out of state about 2000 miles away from her,

>part by choice, part because of her incessant demands,

>unreasonable expectations, and general fantasy world she lives

>in. I have limited phone conversations, amount of visits

>either here or there per year, and the length of said

>visits. However, she constantly pushes against those limits

>and boundaries, tries to squeeze in extra visits, wants to stay

>longer than we are comfortable with, etc. on a regular

>basis. We have two kids who are her only grandchildren which

>makes it that much more " interesting " . Her large immediately

>family (multiple brothers and sisters) all live near their

>grandchildren which just magnifies her insecurities and desire

>to show that our family is " perfect " .

>

>My primary problem/concern is, I haven't had a frank discussion

>about why we set the limits we set or why we push back when she

>starts overstepping her bounds. I understand that I don't

>necessarily have to offer an explanation, but skirting around

>the issues is a constant battle. Have any of you had any luck

>explaining your boundaries to the BP in your life? I am not

>concerned about her feelings regarding why we set the limits we

>set, but I am concerned about talking in circles once I start

>explaining as this has been her normal MO whenever issues come

>up.

>

>I want to maintain some sort of relationship with her, but will

>continue to set limits and boundaries because it doesn't work

>for us at all w/o them. I see a therapist regularly, but

>missed my last appt to discuss this problem so figured I'd draw

>from other experiences to see how you all dealt with this.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

You must understand, you are not setting bounderies in order to live

your life in a healty and safe manner. You are not doing so to cure her

or get her to respond in a logical manner. You ll lose. She wont

change.

It is an easy delusion to fall into. Having a frank discussion with her

is fruitless. You set the bounderies, and state simply what they are,

what the consequences will be when she violates them, and that you are

doing so because without treatment you cannot live in a relationship

with her without these bounderies.

They are not negotiable. They are not open to discussion.

Doug

>

> I have been dealing w/ a undiagnosed (isn't that fun?) BPD nada and

have been working hard to set limits that work for my family. We live

out of state about 2000 miles away from her, part by choice, part

because of her incessant demands, unreasonable expectations, and general

fantasy world she lives in. I have limited phone conversations, amount

of visits either here or there per year, and the length of said visits.

However, she constantly pushes against those limits and boundaries,

tries to squeeze in extra visits, wants to stay longer than we are

comfortable with, etc. on a regular basis. We have two kids who are her

only grandchildren which makes it that much more " interesting " . Her

large immediately family (multiple brothers and sisters) all live near

their grandchildren which just magnifies her insecurities and desire to

show that our family is " perfect " .

>

> My primary problem/concern is, I haven't had a frank discussion about

why we set the limits we set or why we push back when she starts

overstepping her bounds. I understand that I don't necessarily have to

offer an explanation, but skirting around the issues is a constant

battle. Have any of you had any luck explaining your boundaries to the

BP in your life? I am not concerned about her feelings regarding why we

set the limits we set, but I am concerned about talking in circles once

I start explaining as this has been her normal MO whenever issues come

up.

>

> I want to maintain some sort of relationship with her, but will

continue to set limits and boundaries because it doesn't work for us at

all w/o them. I see a therapist regularly, but missed my last appt to

discuss this problem so figured I'd draw from other experiences to see

how you all dealt with this.

>

[Guest guest]

I think I know what you mean. I have increasingly set and kept more and more

boundaries with my nada. For my sake and the sake of my family. When she

pushes back against them and/or demands explanation about why I am doing

such and such, I usually just repeat the boundary of what I will or won't do

or simply say " because I can't/won't " or " I'm not able to/going to " .

In other words, I don't explain to her or give her more specifics. And I

have gone round and round in my mind and in conversation with my husband as

to whether I should be more specific as to why or give her more specific

answers when she asks. But I always end up coming back to - 1. the

boundaries are for us, not her: 2. what explanation could I possibly give

her that would satisfy her (as I know from times in the past when I did not

know about BPD and did try to explain myself that the only

answer/explanation that she will accept is the one she wants to hear): 3.

if I were to tell her the complete truth - that I think she is mentally ill

and that it is necessary for us to have boundaries with her or at times it's

as simple as I just don't want to see her or can barely stand the sound of

her voice - while it might feel good to say these things to her at least in

the short run, she simply can not handle the truth and will twist it into

something I did not ever intend to say or mean and later use it as

ammunition against me. ' 4. I don't owe her any explanations even though she

thinks I do. ( " But why, I want you to tell me why. "

So, I end up holding my tongue and giving short answers that simply hold my

ground and changing the subject if she persists. If she were healthy, it

would be good and important for us to talk about some of these things. But

if she were healthy, we would not need to have these boundaries in the first

place. When I think through how these conversations might go if I were to

attempt them, I think they would be a no win situation and I likely would

just give her a bunch of ammunition.

MY

>

>

> I have been dealing w/ a undiagnosed (isn't that fun?) BPD nada and have

> been working hard to set limits that work for my family. We live out of

> state about 2000 miles away from her, part by choice, part because of her

> incessant demands, unreasonable expectations, and general fantasy world she

> lives in. I have limited phone conversations, amount of visits either here

> or there per year, and the length of said visits. However, she constantly

> pushes against those limits and boundaries, tries to squeeze in extra

> visits, wants to stay longer than we are comfortable with, etc. on a regular

> basis. We have two kids who are her only grandchildren which makes it that

> much more " interesting " . Her large immediately family (multiple brothers and

> sisters) all live near their grandchildren which just magnifies her

> insecurities and desire to show that our family is " perfect " .

>

> My primary problem/concern is, I haven't had a frank discussion about why

> we set the limits we set or why we push back when she starts overstepping

> her bounds. I understand that I don't necessarily have to offer an

> explanation, but skirting around the issues is a constant battle. Have any

> of you had any luck explaining your boundaries to the BP in your life? I am

> not concerned about her feelings regarding why we set the limits we set, but

> I am concerned about talking in circles once I start explaining as this has

> been her normal MO whenever issues come up.

>

> I want to maintain some sort of relationship with her, but will continue to

> set limits and boundaries because it doesn't work for us at all w/o them. I

> see a therapist regularly, but missed my last appt to discuss this problem

> so figured I'd draw from other experiences to see how you all dealt with

> this.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you to all for responding and offering your insight. I had a feeling it

was a fruitless endeavor, but figured I'd ask the community anyway. I

understand what you are all saying about not needing to explain and the fact

that explaining would accomplish nothing. It hasn't worked in the past so why

would it work now? I'll continue to set and enforce the boundaries that work

for us and just leave it at that. Thanks again SO much for your help!

>

> >

> >

> > I have been dealing w/ a undiagnosed (isn't that fun?) BPD nada and have

> > been working hard to set limits that work for my family. We live out of

> > state about 2000 miles away from her, part by choice, part because of her

> > incessant demands, unreasonable expectations, and general fantasy world she

> > lives in. I have limited phone conversations, amount of visits either here

> > or there per year, and the length of said visits. However, she constantly

> > pushes against those limits and boundaries, tries to squeeze in extra

> > visits, wants to stay longer than we are comfortable with, etc. on a regular

> > basis. We have two kids who are her only grandchildren which makes it that

> > much more " interesting " . Her large immediately family (multiple brothers and

> > sisters) all live near their grandchildren which just magnifies her

> > insecurities and desire to show that our family is " perfect " .

> >

> > My primary problem/concern is, I haven't had a frank discussion about why

> > we set the limits we set or why we push back when she starts overstepping

> > her bounds. I understand that I don't necessarily have to offer an

> > explanation, but skirting around the issues is a constant battle. Have any

> > of you had any luck explaining your boundaries to the BP in your life? I am

> > not concerned about her feelings regarding why we set the limits we set, but

> > I am concerned about talking in circles once I start explaining as this has

> > been her normal MO whenever issues come up.

> >

> > I want to maintain some sort of relationship with her, but will continue to

> > set limits and boundaries because it doesn't work for us at all w/o them. I

> > see a therapist regularly, but missed my last appt to discuss this problem

> > so figured I'd draw from other experiences to see how you all dealt with

> > this.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>