my mother has done it to me again/ also question on enabling abuse

[Guest guest]

I have been sharing about having to deal with my crazy SIL who is blatantly

favoring one of her children over the other, refusing to clean AT ALL after her

toddlers, etc etc. During the last few weeks I have talked to SIL a few times

about all of this and told her how I felt. Clearly she has some mental health

issue where she appears normal but you can't get through to her, she seems

completely incapable (really, not unwilling, but incapable) of understanding how

wrong it is to move into someone's house and refuse to clean up after yourself

and your children. it's a very creepy experience talking to her because then you

realize how utterly disconnected from reality she really is.

So I've told her how I felt at length and then said some things here and there.

Last night I talked to my parents and my mother had a weird attitude and said

" I just want peace " . She basically implied that *I* was the one causing the

problems. The other day she slipped up and said that I shouldn't " stir things

up " anymore...my father's terminology for when I defend myself vs. his abuse is

that I love to " stir up sh*t " , when really nothing could be further from the

truth, I hate drama (no small wonder after growing up in that family) but it was

clear that they have been talking and now I am getting 'painted black' because

it is easier for them to twist it so *I* am the trouble rather than SIL's

obvious mental health issue (and personality disorder).

I am really hurt about this because I have stood up for my nephew, who is 2, my

mother because of the house getting trashed, and even her dog when she let him

sit in the bedroom for 14 hours without getting walked. I am not a 'stuffer'.

Yet my mother and father are really scared they will take the kids and leave

(they have threatened twice) and then my nephew will be abused worse. I told my

mother last night after she said she 'just wanted peace' that sometimes when you

are enabling abuse you have to stand up and say something rather than be

silent, to which my father hissed " bullsh*t " under his breath. I really do not

understand them, this situation, or what I should be doing and saying and how I

should be reacting to all of this. SIL is clearly not right in the head, my

nephew is being emotionally neglected, and I am in alot of pain watching it, in

fact I have gained 45 pounds in the last six months and I am just about positive

that I was eating just to stave off the pain of what I was seeing that I didn't

want to admit. I feel like a horrible person that I am not able to change this

situation for my nephew and it scares me to death that I will say something that

will make them pack and leave, yet at the same time I feel like I have to live

with myself and there are some things I see that I just have to speak up about,

at least once, so I can rest my conscience. My parents don't seem to have this

conscience thing going on. It eats away at me.

Sorry to keep harping away at this...this is a new twist, but it is such a

recurring theme in my life that NO MATTER WHAT is going on in our family my

mother ALWAYS has a way of making it MY FAULT. It's beyond insane. And once

again, I got kicked in the gut because I had just spent a couple of hours

sitting on the porch with her 'counseling' her and being a confidante to her

after SIL called her " coldhearted " to her face because she asked that a kitten

SIL found on the side of the road be moved to the bathroom instead of allowed to

roam and potentially go to the bathroom on the carpet. So I sit there and listen

to her troubles like I have done all my life and then she hits me with " I just

want peace " as if I am somehow culpable for the insanity that is going on in

their house. Actually just typing it out is making me boiling mad so I guess

I'll stop. Does anyone relate to this, is there a name for it? It makes me nuts

every time.