Re: fada question

June 10, 2010

Hi ,

I know it is a hard feeling of betrayal from your dad. I know that

feeling (about the remarried thing). And what can we do...but accept it

over time,

~patricia

Re: Re: fada question

you're right !!! many times my father would tell me to just go along with

whatever nada wanted just to keep the peace....and I did for most of my

life, but when I hit my 40's I just couldn't do it any more...and I got

tired of nada (who has never taken responsibility for anything she's ever

done) tell me I was responsible for my own actions. and if I wanted to

fight with her, she's more than willing !! When I refused to comply with

whatever nada wanted is when my father started calling me a terrible

daughter and they don't know what happened to me ( I got boundaries,

that's

what !)

Jackie

Jackie not only did they not protect us they expected us to partner with

them in their codepency. It's no wonder we had to fight to find ourselves.

Even now my 90 year old nada expects this behavior from me with my 60 year

old sada. I don't comply.

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June 11, 2010

wow, my fada didnt do ANYTHING around the house...the outside was " his "

territory, so he mowed lawns, shoveled snow...too car of the cars...that

was it..us kids did all the cleaning & laundry and nada cooked awful

meals...but my fada, like yours never protected me from nada, and never

stood up for me...he was always on her side no matter what, even when he

KNEW she was wrong !!

Jackie

My fada is a complete wimp! he has and always will bow down to my nada. He

cooks for her, cleans for her, does the laundry, picks up the dry cleaning

and runs errands, cleans the house on weekends and even mows the lawn and

does outdoor chores on weekends! When my fada had to commute for work (he's

retired now) he would literally be gone 12 hours and my nada STILL expected

him to do all those things while my nada just sat down and expected to be

waited on like a queen. Anytime he didn't and would complain, my nada would

rage and say " SEE!? HE ISN'T HAPPY UNTIL I AM WORKING ALL ALL THE TIME! "

my fada never protected me against my nada. He ALWAYS backed her up. And she

would always talk about how my fada is a horrible provider and how she

ALWAYS thought he was cheating/gambling/etc.

The last time my nada raged at me, I turned to look for my nada and he just

stood there while she physically and verbally attacked me. That is when I

said enough.

AJ

June 11, 2010

My experience was/is much the same as AJ's

My dad does everything around the house. She verbally abuses him, has cut him

off from his family (making him think it was his choice) and he has worked his

ass off for the last 20 years (sometimes with two jobs) to keep her in the life

that she is " accustomed " too. While she sits on her ass and moans and groans

about how hard her life is, and how horrible her children all are.

She makes me sick.

Now, that I've pissed her off (read: stood up for myself, caught her in a lie

and told her off), she's aiming to cut me (and my girls) out of his life too.

She's so fucking self centered.

> >

> > for as long as I can remember my father has talked about my mother to us

like she had the most horrible experiences possible (she did have a horrible

childhood after losing her mother). But no matter what happened to us nothing

about our childhoods mattered because my mother had it worse. Her father was a

pedophile who abused her her entire childhood, and also abused my sister and I.

The very few times I have talked about this to my father he completely minimizes

this happening, saying things like 'your mother had to endure it her entire

life, and you just had one or two little incidences " with an air of complete

indignance (!!!...for the record even though her father did this my mother still

sent my sister and I to stay with him for a week unsupervised, separately, and

of course we were assaulted by him). Does anyone else have this excuse making by

the fada in the family to invalidate their own suffereing? It's absolutely inane

the lengths my father will go to to deny that I and my siblings might have had

any pain or suffered at all, during childhood. We are always silenced by his

protectiveness of my mother as 'the queen of having suffered'. (I sometimes

wonder if perhaps he's projected his own suffereing as a child, which he can't

consciously claim, onto her). He talks about her like she is infallible and

without any fault yet at the same time he has abused her emotionally and

pschologically their entire marriage. I also found out that he cheated on her,

as well. Probably serially. i don't understand this dynamic, at all. Can anyone

relate to this type of dysfunction?

> >

>

June 11, 2010

My dad didn't do anything inside either. Once in a great while, he'd cook

breakfast on the weekend. But he did all of the grilling, yardwork, garage s

tuff...anything to do with the cars he did or anything involving having to

drive for long journeys, he drove. My mother never ONE TIME ever cooked me

breakfast. She threw a bowl of cereal or toast in front of me.

My mother was a rabid house cleaner. She bleached everything, even

doorknobs and wiped tables down with alcohol. She cooked meals, we never ate

out.

We ate the same thing over and over and over. About 6 meals she cooked

night after night...usually burned any meat she cooked because she was paranoid

it was undercooked and we'd all get sick and die. @@ <--this is me rolling

my eyes.

She was afraid to drive. So even though we lived in Florida, 5 minutes from

the beach, I maybe went to the beach all of 2 times my entire childhood

and I went with other people. She was afraid of crowds so we never went to

the mall. She claimed she had no money so we never ate out, never wore

anything stylish, never had anything that wasn't generic or home made.

In a message dated 6/11/2010 7:44:10 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

sleddog@... writes:

wow, my fada didnt do ANYTHING around the house...the outside was " his "

territory, so he mowed lawns, shoveled snow...too car of the cars...that

was it..us kids did all the cleaning & laundry and nada cooked awful

meals...but my fada, like yours never protected me from nada, and never

stood up for me...he was always on her side no matter what, even when he

KNEW she was wrong !!

Jackie

My fada is a complete wimp! he has and always will bow down to my nada. He

cooks for her, cleans for her, does the laundry, picks up the dry cleaning

and runs errands, cleans the house on weekends and even mows the lawn and

does outdoor chores on weekends! When my fada had to commute for work

(he's

retired now) he would literally be gone 12 hours and my nada STILL

expected

him to do all those things while my nada just sat down and expected to be

waited on like a queen. Anytime he didn't and would complain, my nada

would

rage and say " SEE!? HE ISN'T HAPPY UNTIL I AM WORKING ALL ALL THE TIME! "

my fada never protected me against my nada. He ALWAYS backed her up. And

she

would always talk about how my fada is a horrible provider and how she

ALWAYS thought he was cheating/gambling/etc.

The last time my nada raged at me, I turned to look for my nada and he

just

stood there while she physically and verbally attacked me. That is when I

said enough.

AJ

June 11, 2010

Wow. I wonder how many of you got threatened to be 'cut off?' My mother

would never have cut me out of her life (she was way too obsessed with being

able to talk to me 50 times a day), but she would constantly threaten to

change her will or spend everything so when she dies there is nothing left

because I am so ungrateful.

In a message dated 6/11/2010 9:10:14 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

elora_jade@... writes:

My experience was/is much the same as AJ's

My dad does everything around the house. She verbally abuses him, has cut

him off from his family (making him think it was his choice) and he has

worked his ass off for the last 20 years (sometimes with two jobs) to keep her

in the life that she is " accustomed " too. While she sits on her ass and

moans and groans about how hard her life is, and how horrible her children

all are.

She makes me sick.

Now, that I've pissed her off (read: stood up for myself, caught her in a

lie and told her off), she's aiming to cut me (and my girls) out of his

life too.

She's so fucking self centered.

> >

> > for as long as I can remember my father has talked about my mother to

us like she had the most horrible experiences possible (she did have a

horrible childhood after losing her mother). But no matter what happened to us

nothing about our childhoods mattered because my mother had it worse. Her

father was a pedophile who abused her her entire childhood, and also abused

my sister and I. The very few times I have talked about this to my father

he completely minimizes this happening, saying things like 'your mother had

to endure it her entire life, and you just had one or two little

incidences " with an air of complete indignance (!!!...for the record even

though her

father did this my mother still sent my sister and I to stay with him for a

week unsupervised, separately, and of course we were assaulted by him).

Does anyone else have this excuse making by the fada in the family to

invalidate their own suffereing? It's absolutely inane the lengths my father

will

go to to deny that I and my siblings might have had any pain or suffered at

all, during childhood. We are always silenced by his protectiveness of my

mother as 'the queen of having suffered'. (I sometimes wonder if perhaps

he's projected his own suffereing as a child, which he can't consciously

claim, onto her). He talks about her like she is infallible and without any

fault yet at the same time he has abused her emotionally and pschologically

their entire marriage. I also found out that he cheated on her, as well.

Probably serially. i don't understand this dynamic, at all. Can anyone relate

to this type of dysfunction?

> >

>

June 11, 2010

Yeah. I haven't spoken to my dad more than a few times in several months.

The thing about his wife is that when he married her, I really thought,

" well, maybe I have a chance to have a positive female role model in my life. "

It was heartbreaking for me to realize that his wife never wants a

relationship with me. I really needed someone to be there for me in that

mother-role and she has 2 daughters, so she was not interested in having 2 more

(me or my sister). It sucks. I feel like my dad settled when he married her.

She had so.much.baggage. He could have done better and maybe, possibly,

considered his daughters.

But apparently that was too much for him.

In a message dated 6/10/2010 7:59:58 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

coyotesun1@... writes: