Re: Too Critical of Friends' Problems?

[Guest guest]

I am a little shocked because you said 'colleague' not friend and she is being

so open about something that seems habitual and could damage her professionally

(suppose you wanted her job, or an account of hers...she's handing people ammo

to damage her with, very unwise and strange). It seems conscienceless not to

care about what effect it might have on his SO. Honestly I would steer as clear

of this person as I could, not only because it could affect you professionally

to be messed up with her but because she seems incapable of remorse. I think

your reaction is completely normal, her behavior is very questionable on all

fronts.

>

> I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate about my

friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

>

> My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she needed to

speak to someone urgently. She told me she also wanted to talk to me about this

ASAP. When I met with her I had been guessing that she either wanted to quit her

job or something happened with her health. Instead, she told me she slept with

her married colleague who is her superior. When she told me this story, I

thought she was distraught over having an affair and possibly breaking up a

family. Instead, she expressed that she felt horrible because he wouldn't call

her and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt badly about the affair part

and she said she didn't and would feel the same way if he were married or

single. I don't know if I'm being overly judgmental but I can't believe that

THIS is her emergent problem. I'm now finding it hard to take her seriously

because she did something similar with another colleague! I want to tell her

that she should feel blessed that the only problems in her life are the ones she

creates for herself and are not ones that she is born to and has no control

over.

>

> Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

,

I'd say yes and no to the question of whether you're being too

critical. I think your colleage has a big problem that she needs

help with, but I think it isn't what she thinks it is. I'd have

a hard time not feeling critical if someone told me the same

things. She should feel bad about sleeping with her superior,

especially if he is married. If all she cares about is the fact

that she feels used, I think she has a problem with morality and

recognizing that she's done wrong. I do think it is somewhat

unfair to judge her problems as being frivolous because they are

caused by her own actions. Most problems have some degree of

relationship to our own actions. That doesn't make them any less

problems. Repeatedly engaging in that type of behavior is a

serious problem and one that she should get help with if she

can't stop it on her own.

At 05:54 PM 06/02/2010 cocochanel1005 wrote:

>I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate

>about my friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

>

>My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she

>needed to speak to someone urgently. She told me she also

>wanted to talk to me about this ASAP. When I met with her I had

>been guessing that she either wanted to quit her job or

>something happened with her health. Instead, she told me she

>slept with her married colleague who is her superior. When she

>told me this story, I thought she was distraught over having an

>affair and possibly breaking up a family. Instead, she

>expressed that she felt horrible because he wouldn't call her

>and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt badly about the

>affair part and she said she didn't and would feel the same way

>if he were married or single. I don't know if I'm being overly

>judgmental but I can't believe that THIS is her emergent

>problem. I'm now finding it hard to take her seriously because

>she did something similar with another colleague! I want to

>tell her that she should feel blessed that the only problems in

>her life are the ones she creates for herself and are not ones

>that she is born to and has no control over.

>

>Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

My reaction to this is that we never really can understand what it is a person

is reacting to; this colleague may be reacting to some trigger or some intense

feeling she is having that is making her a little nuts (guilt, shame, being

used, etc). Maybe she does over-react to things, but at the same time there is

something about her experience that makes her seem out of control. And seeing a

therapist ASAP may be really important even if she isn't very self aware.

One time I had some kittens that had feline HIV and I wanted to find homes for

them. A woman from a local agency that supports people with disabilities (I

believe both mental and physical) called me and said she'd like to try the

kittens out with her client. I said, while we were just chatting, that: I'm

sure they will work out fine (as they were sweet little kittens). The counselor

person said: well, you can't really say " you are sure " because it might not work

out for this person. And in the end it did not work out (she was a pretty

anxious person and who knows what her diagnosis was). That made an impression

on me so I try to never say that phrase: I am sure (it will be okay, or it will

work out fine, etc). I guess my point is: we never know.

~patricia

Too Critical of Friends' Problems?

I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate about my

friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she needed to

speak to someone urgently. She told me she also wanted to talk to me about this

ASAP. When I met with her I had been guessing that she either wanted to quit her

job or something happened with her health. Instead, she told me she slept with

her married colleague who is her superior. When she told me this story, I

thought she was distraught over having an affair and possibly breaking up a

family. Instead, she expressed that she felt horrible because he wouldn't call

her and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt badly about the affair part

and she said she didn't and would feel the same way if he were married or

single. I don't know if I'm being overly judgmental but I can't believe that

THIS is her emergent problem. I'm now finding it hard to take her seriously

because she did something similar with another colleague! I want to tell her

that she should feel blessed that the only problems in her life are the ones she

creates for herself and are not ones that she is born to and has no control

over.

Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

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[Guest guest]

To answer your question, yes, I get rather critical when people moan and groan

about their normal problems. Then I secretly hate them for having a nice normal

family, a loving mother, a supportive father and don't really feel any empathy

towards them. LOL!

Which says a lot because I'm a very empathetic person.

>

> I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate about my

friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

>

> My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she needed to

speak to someone urgently. She told me she also wanted to talk to me about this

ASAP. When I met with her I had been guessing that she either wanted to quit her

job or something happened with her health. Instead, she told me she slept with

her married colleague who is her superior. When she told me this story, I

thought she was distraught over having an affair and possibly breaking up a

family. Instead, she expressed that she felt horrible because he wouldn't call

her and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt badly about the affair part

and she said she didn't and would feel the same way if he were married or

single. I don't know if I'm being overly judgmental but I can't believe that

THIS is her emergent problem. I'm now finding it hard to take her seriously

because she did something similar with another colleague! I want to tell her

that she should feel blessed that the only problems in her life are the ones she

creates for herself and are not ones that she is born to and has no control

over.

>

> Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I had a similar problem. I had a close friend make some really poor decisions in

her life which included cheating on her husband because, as she says, " he did it

first! " , and get pregnant by another married man. She moved out and left her 3

kids because she wanted to make a " fresh start " .

Bottom line is that its a messed up situation that very few people in this world

will sympathize with. She cheated, and doesn't seem sad about it. Anyone would

feel the same way that you do. But as a friend, you do need to listen and give

advice when solicited.

The biggest thing I think our nadas did to us was have us doubt our instincts.

Don't do that.

AJ

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Re: Too Critical of Friends' Problems?

,

I'd say yes and no to the question of whether you're being too

critical. I think your colleage has a big problem that she needs

help with, but I think it isn't what she thinks it is. I'd have

a hard time not feeling critical if someone told me the same

things. She should feel bad about sleeping with her superior,

especially if he is married. If all she cares about is the fact

that she feels used, I think she has a problem with morality and

recognizing that she's done wrong. I do think it is somewhat

unfair to judge her problems as being frivolous because they are

caused by her own actions. Most problems have some degree of

relationship to our own actions. That doesn't make them any less

problems. Repeatedly engaging in that type of behavior is a

serious problem and one that she should get help with if she

can't stop it on her own.

At 05:54 PM 06/02/2010 cocochanel1005 wrote:

>I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate

>about my friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

>

>My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she

>needed to speak to someone urgently. She told me she also

>wanted to talk to me about this ASAP. When I met with her I had

>been guessing that she either wanted to quit her job or

>something happened with her health. Instead, she told me she

>slept with her married colleague who is her superior. When she

>told me this story, I thought she was distraught over having an

>affair and possibly breaking up a family. Instead, she

>expressed that she felt horrible because he wouldn't call her

>and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt badly about the

>affair part and she said she didn't and would feel the same way

>if he were married or single. I don't know if I'm being overly

>judgmental but I can't believe that THIS is her emergent

>problem. I'm now finding it hard to take her seriously because

>she did something similar with another colleague! I want to

>tell her that she should feel blessed that the only problems in

>her life are the ones she creates for herself and are not ones

>that she is born to and has no control over.

>

>Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

>

>

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

I totally understand that feeling, but please, be very careful. If this happens

with someone you really do care about, put your personal feelings aside and just

be there for them. Their pain is just as real for them as yours is to you. You

may lose someone you care about if the think you aren't empathetic. Just a

thought.

[Guest guest]

I totally understand that feeling, but please, be very careful. If this happens

with someone you really do care about, put your personal feelings aside and just

be there for them. Their pain is just as real for them as yours is to you. You

may lose someone you care about if the think you aren't empathetic. Just a

thought.

[Guest guest]

A bit of flipside to this, but if you truly feel that you can't be empathetic

and can't put yourself in the headspace of feeling compassion for this

friend/colleague don't lie to her. Let her know this is something you can't be

there for her on even if you can be there for other things. This comes from my

own experience of being devastated to find that I was too open in seeking

support from people who were silently negatively judging me and it only came out

later. That said, I personally would have mixed reactions to her situation

too - participating in cheating is bad and hurts so many involved, but being

rejected by a love interst hurts no matter who it is.

>

>

>

> I totally understand that feeling, but please, be very careful. If this

happens with someone you really do care about, put your personal feelings aside

and just be there for them. Their pain is just as real for them as yours is to

you. You may lose someone you care about if the think you aren't empathetic.

Just a thought.

>

[Guest guest]

I dont think you're being too critical...it IS frivolous !! she's causing

her own problems, then expects others to be sympathetic ??

Jackie

I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate about my

friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she needed to

speak to someone urgently. She told me she also wanted to talk to me about

this ASAP. When I met with her I had been guessing that she either wanted to

quit her job or something happened with her health. Instead, she told me she

slept with her married colleague who is her superior. When she told me this

story, I thought she was distraught over having an affair and possibly

breaking up a family. Instead, she expressed that she felt horrible because

he wouldn't call her and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt badly

about the affair part and she said she didn't and would feel the same way if

he were married or single. I don't know if I'm being overly judgmental but I

can't believe that THIS is her emergent problem. I'm now finding it hard to

take her seriously because she did something similar with another colleague!

I want to tell her that she should feel blessed that the only problems in

her life are the ones she creates for herself and are not ones that she is

born to and has no control over.

Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

[Guest guest]

Her lack of remorse is disturbing. It is as though she has no conscience, and

perhaps that is what is bothering you.

This situation mirrors the person we cared about hurting us, and not even having

the decency to say she was sorry.

No, I don't think you are being too critical. I think your instincts are dead on

here. In your shoes I would steer as far away from this person as possible.

Tina.

>

> I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate about my

friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

>

> My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she needed to

speak to someone urgently. She told me she also wanted to talk to me about this

ASAP. When I met with her I had been guessing that she either wanted to quit her

job or something happened with her health. Instead, she told me she slept with

her married colleague who is her superior. When she told me this story, I

thought she was distraught over having an affair and possibly breaking up a

family. Instead, she expressed that she felt horrible because he wouldn't call

her and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt badly about the affair part

and she said she didn't and would feel the same way if he were married or

single. I don't know if I'm being overly judgmental but I can't believe that

THIS is her emergent problem. I'm now finding it hard to take her seriously

because she did something similar with another colleague! I want to tell her

that she should feel blessed that the only problems in her life are the ones she

creates for herself and are not ones that she is born to and has no control

over.

>

> Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

- I agree with the advice from phine and Tina - this person is (1)

involved in cheating (2) can't see past her own sorrow at " losing " a man who

already belongs to somebody else, and (3) wants to tell you all about it -

thereby making you complicit in her secrecy and lies. And she wants you to

commiserate with her! If she's that unethical in her personal behavior, she

won't hesitate to turn on you when it suits her - and there you'll be, sucked

into her drama, with waaaaay too much of her info. I'd get out the 10-foot

pole, and use it to keep her at bay. She's trouble on the hoof. There's a

whole world of ethical, good-hearted people who will be easy to know. Who needs

extra problems like this?

>

>

>

> I totally understand that feeling, but please, be very careful. If this

happens with someone you really do care about, put your personal feelings aside

and just be there for them. Their pain is just as real for them as yours is to

you. You may lose someone you care about if the think you aren't empathetic.

Just a thought.

>

[Guest guest]

I actually feel this way too. I get aggravated with people who have

'normal' problems rather quickly. I'm sure that's MY issue and no one elses and

I

need to work on that, but...ugh...I want to yell, " what are you complaining

about? you have it so much easier! " But I know that's not necessarily

true and all of our problems are subjective and relative to us.

In a message dated 6/2/2010 10:09:56 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

elora_jade@... writes:

To answer your question, yes, I get rather critical when people moan and

groan about their normal problems. Then I secretly hate them for having a

nice normal family, a loving mother, a supportive father and don't really feel

any empathy towards them. LOL!

Which says a lot because I'm a very empathetic person.

>

> I recently realized that I have difficulty being compassionate about my

friends' problems that I think are frivolous.

>

> My colleague asked me for the name of my therapist and said she needed

to speak to someone urgently. She told me she also wanted to talk to me

about this ASAP. When I met with her I had been guessing that she either wanted

to quit her job or something happened with her health. Instead, she told

me she slept with her married colleague who is her superior. When she told

me this story, I thought she was distraught over having an affair and

possibly breaking up a family. Instead, she expressed that she felt horrible

because he wouldn't call her and she felt used. I even asked her if she felt

badly about the affair part and she said she didn't and would feel the same

way if he were married or single. I don't know if I'm being overly

judgmental but I can't believe that THIS is her emergent problem. I'm now

finding it

hard to take her seriously because she did something similar with another

colleague! I want to tell her that she should feel blessed that the only

problems in her life are the ones she creates for herself and are not ones

that she is born to and has no control over.

>

> Am I being too critical? Have you all experienced this?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

(and everyone),

This is great advice. I think I need to be sensitive to the possibility of being

too critical in general. With this specific friend and this specific issues, I'm

not sure that I'm off-base. You are very right, though, by saying that I

shouldn't pretend to be supportive if I'm not. I have distanced myself from this

particular problem and feel like a much less hypocritical friend.

> >

> >

> >

> > I totally understand that feeling, but please, be very careful. If this

happens with someone you really do care about, put your personal feelings aside

and just be there for them. Their pain is just as real for them as yours is to

you. You may lose someone you care about if the think you aren't empathetic.

Just a thought.

> >

>