Guest guest Posted June 5, 2010 Report Share Posted June 5, 2010 OH yea, and let me add to that AAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!! > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 5, 2010 Report Share Posted June 5, 2010 I don't have kids, but I can imagine how watching them grow triggers every memory of when you were in their position and memories of what your mother did in response. I respect the strength of you and all KO parents - I imagine it is healing but hard to be a parent and deal with the KO legacy. Don't know if you want any advice but if I were in your son's position I'd want encouragement, reminders of my strengths and accomplishments in case I was having self-doubts. My own FOO is quick to drag me down the rest of the way if I start falling, but I think a healthy parent helps buoy their children up and provides a stable positive image of who they are when they are taking self-esteem hits by life circumstance. > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 It might help to keep reminding yourself that even if you were able to " wave your magic wand, " it wouldn't be in your son's best interest. He's an adult now and actually needs you to let him make his own choices and learn how to figure out tough things on his own. It's not your job to fix his life. It's his. I think the strategies we can use to encourage our disordered parents to solve problems on their own can be helpful for our children, too. (And my kids are still young, but so far they work). One way to do this is to say things like, " Wow, that sounds hard. But I know you will be able to come up with a solution. " I think since your son is grown, you can also say things like, " Have you considered x? You might look into that, some people might find that helpful, " etc. My husband was still in med school when we got married. I remember looking for work that year (in a better economy, mind you, but still). And we made it through his residency and everything! THings that were helpful for me personally and for our relationship were: making time for dates--even really cheap and free dates, doing things with other students and their spouses, joining the existing spouses' groups and making efforts at a social life and making other contacts at church, etc. We have some really great memories and friendships from those times. KT - In WTOAdultChildren1 , doug883@... wrote: > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 You know what raising a child did for me? It healed me in very profound ways and helped me understand what real love was like. He helped me to understand myself better, that the mask of *niceness* I had, there was underneath a crabby, overwhelmed , bitch. That's half a joke, but he made me realize that I was a *real* person. But I learned how strong I was in *not* acting like my mom, and not unleashing all those bad feelings on my son. Of course there were and are moments that this is not true and it brings up those memories and I felt guilty and afraid that I would damage him the way I was damaged. So far so good though, and he is 15. And he seems pretty darn mentally healthy. He is cynical as hell; I don't know where that came from, (is cynicism genetic? haha), But he is a great kid. And I am grateful for him. ~patricia Re: Issues with my kids I don't have kids, but I can imagine how watching them grow triggers every memory of when you were in their position and memories of what your mother did in response. I respect the strength of you and all KO parents - I imagine it is healing but hard to be a parent and deal with the KO legacy. Don't know if you want any advice but if I were in your son's position I'd want encouragement, reminders of my strengths and accomplishments in case I was having self-doubts. My own FOO is quick to drag me down the rest of the way if I start falling, but I think a healthy parent helps buoy their children up and provides a stable positive image of who they are when they are taking self-esteem hits by life circumstance. > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > Doug > ------------------------------------ Problems? Ask our friendly List Manager for help at @.... SEND HER ANY POSTS THAT CONCERN YOU; DO NOT Respond ON THE GROUP. To order the KO bible " Stop Walking on Eggshells, " call 888-35-SHELL () for your copy. We also refer to " Understanding the Borderline Mother " (Lawson) and " Surviving the Borderline Parent, " (Roth) which you can find at any bookstore. Welcome to the WTO community! From Randi Kreger, Owner BPDCentral, WTO Online Community and author SWOE and the SWOE Workbook. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 Doug, put on your flea collar, and look at this rationally..no, you cannot fix your sons problems, but you shouldn't ...that's not how life goes...he's having a hard time right now...just be there and let him vent to you...sometimes thats more important that trying to fix their problems for them...I dont see what being a KO has to do with this...this happenes to every one at one point or other in their lives... Jackie My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and want to make it all right, and can only do so much. And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. Damn. Damn. Damn. It just sucks so bad to be a KO. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 Hi Doug, Take a deep breath. I sounds like your son has wonderful and exciting things in his future. I would venture to guess this is hard for you because, like so many things we experience, we didn't grow up with very good role models. I know my nada was there to take the glory when I did things well and there to criticize me when I screwed up and already felt like crap. A book I found very helpful in how to talk to and encourage my kids is " The Blessing " by Dr. Smalley, Dr. Trent. The authors are clearly Christian however only one chapter discusses christianity in depth (in case this is an issue for you). I think they are excellent counselors. One had a difficult upbringing and uses that to help come up with ways to not repeat the bad things that happened to us. Even if you just go onto Amazon and read the back cover, I think you may find it helpful. I agree with others, I think those lean years can really be some of the best years. He will be ok and he probably needs to know from you that you know he can handle what ever comes his way and you will be there for him if he asks. Don't jump in if he falls though, just be there to support him. If he learns now that he can get through tough times on his own accord, that is a wonderful gift you will give him. patinage > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010  I have been NC with my NADA since the day after my 18Th bday , except for a few short times of trying to work on having a relationship which never lasted more than 90 days and always ended badly. Except for my brother I have almost no contact with the rest of my family due to my Nada's sabotaging.   In allot of ways I have gotten over my childhood but it keep coming back even with NC .When I feel secure I know my Nada was and is crazy , but since my kids are reaching the age, 9 and 10, that my abuse started to escalate at , I have started to second guess every action I make and feeling I have . Its to a point that I feel guilty for composing this post because its all about " ME ME ME " , just like my mother . I hear myself quoting a phrase or two that she used , and instantly began to question every decision I make as a parent .  If I make them do chores I wonder if I'm pushing to hard like she did , if they complain I point out how much harder many other people have or had it , including myself . I find myself frequently distancing myself emotionally from my kids because I'm scared that I might without intention say something that hurts them without knowing it , and question where the line is between teaching them humility and discipline , and doing harm . some of those lines are clear and I would never cross them as she did , but Knowing that many of the most harmful things she said to me were just passing phrases and even had allot of truth to them makes me terrified of making the slightest comment .   My Nada was wrongfully diagnosed as manic depressive , now called bipolar,  after her first suicide attempt, years before I was born .This being a hereditary biological disorder I have always feared it was just a matter of time until I become a monster . With a great deal of research I am now sure it is BPD which is believed to be more enviermental than biological , although they don't really know for sure from what I've read. Becoming my mother is and always has been my greatest fear . Is that fear founded? Or do I simply not know the appropriate places to draw boundary's because I never learned how as a child ?  marion  ps , 12 year since i left my Nada and I wont even use my real name here because she might find it and use it to try and hurt me OMG will i ever feel completely safe from her. Subject: Re: Issues with my kids To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, June 6, 2010, 10:29 AM  Doug, put on your flea collar, and look at this rationally..no, you cannot fix your sons problems, but you shouldn't ...that's not how life goes...he's having a hard time right now...just be there and let him vent to you...sometimes thats more important that trying to fix their problems for them...I dont see what being a KO has to do with this...this happenes to every one at one point or other in their lives... Jackie My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and want to make it all right, and can only do so much. And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. Damn. Damn. Damn. It just sucks so bad to be a KO. Doug Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 6, 2010 Report Share Posted June 6, 2010 Patinage I m familiar with both Dr s Smalley and Trent. I ve done some work with Dr Smalley s books on marriage. I know I can t and should nt just jump in and fix it all. I ve encouraged my son to remember that having a setback or a failure doesnt mean that you are a failure. We live only a few miles apart, so they won t starve, they can always come to our table. Worst come to worst, they can live in our upstairs till he gets back on his feet or she starts her residency. Funny, as I think about it, here I am worrying about how to help with my sons problems. Yet nada, to the day of her death, was expecting me to be responsible for her problems. Maybe I m co dependant? ROTF. Doug > > > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in > > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and > > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, > > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > > > Doug > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2010 Report Share Posted June 7, 2010 yeah, it can be pretty rough all right, and i don't even have any kids to worry about.. hang in there.. it only seems like it will never get any better. ann Subject: Re: Issues with my kids To: WTOAdultChildren1 Date: Sunday, June 6, 2010, 12:24 AM  OH yea, and let me add to that AAAAGGGGGGHHHH!!!! > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife in > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried and > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over reactions, > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > Doug > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 8, 2010 Report Share Posted June 8, 2010 DOUG - I tried to respond yesterday but was having some computer problems - what I wanted to say is this: your son sounds like he's just struggling with the type of problems any young person would have when they're starting out in life. Finding answers to these riddles is part of the foundation he has to build for his own life - and I know you know that! You said his wife is in med school - so at least one of them is going to be extremely employable at some future date! Stepping in would undercut your son's ability to master his own fate. He needs to exercise those " world-beater " muscles, you know? If there's a medical emergency, or the car breaks down, or they need to borrow from you for a temporary problem, you can be there as good ol' Dad - but every time your son solves a problem on his own, his spine gets a little stronger and he's one step closer to being the man you raised him to be. There's another thread on here about " dysfunctional siblings " - those idiot brothers of ours are some boys whose parents didn't have the wisdom to let them struggle a little. > > > > > > My son is going thru a rough time right now with finding, work, wife > > in > > > med school, pressure and stress. I can t fix it all. I m so worried > > and > > > want to make it all right, and can only do so much. > > > > > > And the fleas are having a field day. I can hear nada s over > > reactions, > > > and making my problems be all about her, and just feel like a failure > > > because I didnt fix her, and can t wave a wand and fix his problems. > > > > > > Damn. Damn. Damn. > > > > > > It just sucks so bad to be a KO. > > > > > > Doug > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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