Re: NC Nada keeps sending my daughter gifts/cards--What do I do with them?

June 8, 2010

I'm in a similar situation. We have been NC for about 18 months, and have 7,

4.5, and 2 year olds. Nada fixated on them, particularly my 4 year old

daughter. It was the typical nada situation where she manipulated them

emotionally, bribed them with food and toys, and wanted them to fill the

emotional black hole inside of her. As they grew older she abandoned them

(this was already happening with my oldest who was 5 when we cut off

contact).

She still sends presents and cards and letters. I don't let the kids know

that they come. Luckily we live far enough away that she can't drop them off

herself, but if we did I have no doubt that she would be circling our block

daily. I don't tell my kids anything about the situaion, because I don't

want to frighten them, and I don't think they are old enough to understand.

They do occasionally ask to see her, or ask why we don't go visit.

Tellingly, it's always in the context of the toys or 'things' that nada has

to play with, not wanting to be around nada herself. I tell the children

that we don't have time to go see nada today because we are doing xyz, and

remind them gently how long it takes to get to her house- a 5 hour car ride

that they would hate. Then I breezily change the subject and they don't

mention it again for another month or so.

I have had some of the same worries about what the kids will think 'some

day'. While I throw out the packages, I do keep the crazy cards, emails, ect

that she sends. Anyone who read those would understand how unstable she is.

I also am lucky to have a handful of relatives that would back me up as to

my side of the story. And honestly, nada won't have a chance to get in touch

with my kids until they are 18, if not older. Most teens that age aren't

dying to have a relationship with some random old woman they haven't spoken

to in decades. And I plan on having a good enough relationship with my kids

that they will trust me and know I love them and tell them the truth. I will

sit down and have a talk with my children when they are old enough to

understand without being scared, and make sure that they have a heads up on

the situation before that enivitable day comes. But my nada has so

systematcially driven everyone in her life away. Even if she did manage to

ensare my adult children, I don't think it would last long. Children who are

raised in a stable loving enviornment are not going to be drawn in easily by

a nada. Nada's can't keep up the act for very long and have nothing to offer

a self actualized adult in the long term.

If I was in your shoes, and nada was physically coming to my home, I would

get out a camera, and set it in the window, and catch her on tape. I would

take pictures. I would call the police if I saw her on my lawn. I would

document. I would get a restraining order if I could. The last time I talked

to my nada I told her very plainly that if she showed up at my house I would

call the police. It was the hardest thing I've ever said. But it's true. I

will not have anyone threaten my children's well being. I will not have to

live in terror in my own home. My nada has said the same kinds of things in

letters and voice mails, about how I will lose my children some day and be

sorry. That is vindictive and crazymaking and should not be tolerated.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. i know so well how upsetting

it is to have to have all of these worries about our kids. You are doing the

right thing, and your daughter is better off for it. never doubt that!

On Tue, Jun 8, 2010 at 9:11 PM, bunny.montgomery <bunny.montgomery@...

> wrote:

>

> It's been a while since I posted but I need some help. I've been NC for the

> past seventeen months---the most pleasant, stress free, seventeen months of

> my life (even with the NC guilt). Prior to going NC, my daughter (now 5) and

> Nada bonded. Nada likes toddlers--once children can voice an opinion she has

> no use for them. My daughter still asks about Nada and says she misses her.

> Since going NC, Nada has continued to occasionally stalk my home and drop by

> with gifts and cards for my daughter. (She waits until we are home to do

> it--apparently she has never heard of the Postal Service). I don't let Nada

> see my daughter and I have kept the gifts and cards from her.

>

> Nada's motivations are twisted and aimed at getting to me. Without going

> into a whole list of why, I am certain from the depts of my being that her

> gifts are not purely " grandmotherly love. "

>

> Here's what I need to know: how do I handle this with my daughter to keep

> her from being hurt? I am afraid that she will grow up and say, " How could

> you have kept this from me? I wanted to know my grandmother and she tried to

> contact me and you didn't even tell me? " Is there any way to avoid this?

>

> I feel like 5 is too young to tell her anything other than " We don't see

> Grandma right now because even though she loves us and we love her she has

> some grown up stuff to deal with. "

>

> If I let my daughter have the gifts and cards, I am afraid that she will

> feel even closer to Nada, who will ultimately hurt her. I'm also afraid that

> Nada will intentionally hurt her to get to me. Nada has said that I won't

> understand what her pain is like (me being NC) until I " lose " my daughter. I

> have to take these kind of things seriously because, frankly, Nada is a nut.

> My sister doesn't have children but she actually threatened to do horrible

> things to her dog in an effort to " get to " my sister.

>

> Any suggestions?

>

June 9, 2010

it sounds like you are doing the right thing, the part you wrote about nada

hurting her to get to you is chilling. My SIL does this with her children. She

will scream at her two year old to 'don't wake your brother' if we have allowed

him in the part of the house where SHE is sleeping, with the one year old who is

also napping. if the baby wakes up then she can't sleep (and WE are EXPECTED to

care for the two year old so she can have her afternoon nap.) she has done this

in front of me once and in front of my mother several times. it's sickening and

disgusting to me that she would risk psychologically harming her child and

making him terrified of her to drive the point home with us that we had better

keep him out of her hair so she can sleep (yes, the situation is that crazy,

because my mother has a huge problem asserting herself in situations like this

and my father has no problem speaking up but he is abusive...so no one is

dealing with it in a sane and rational way). I have spoken with her several

times about things but I've been told to put the kibbosh on it so she doesn't

yank the kids out of there so I'm not getting involved again unless she abuses

him in front of me.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing, in bearing the confusion,

bafflement, and angst of this situation. It's very self-sacrificing to grope for

the answers within yourself and try to plot the best course, while shielding

your daughter from any harm at the hands of 'nada the nut'. I think you should

give yourself a pat on the back because even though you have unpleasant feelings

about it you are willing to bear those rather than allow your daughter to be

wounded by this woman. Gifts and trinkets are not worth inflicting dysfunction

on your daughter...tell your mom to please put the money for the gifts in a

college fund or trust fund that your daughter can access when she is of

majority. That will show her true motives for what they are

>

> It's been a while since I posted but I need some help. I've been NC for the

past seventeen months---the most pleasant, stress free, seventeen months of my

life (even with the NC guilt). Prior to going NC, my daughter (now 5) and Nada

bonded. Nada likes toddlers--once children can voice an opinion she has no use

for them. My daughter still asks about Nada and says she misses her. Since

going NC, Nada has continued to occasionally stalk my home and drop by with

gifts and cards for my daughter. (She waits until we are home to do

it--apparently she has never heard of the Postal Service). I don't let Nada see

my daughter and I have kept the gifts and cards from her.

>

> Nada's motivations are twisted and aimed at getting to me. Without going into

a whole list of why, I am certain from the depts of my being that her gifts are

not purely " grandmotherly love. "

>

> Here's what I need to know: how do I handle this with my daughter to keep her

from being hurt? I am afraid that she will grow up and say, " How could you have

kept this from me? I wanted to know my grandmother and she tried to contact me

and you didn't even tell me? " Is there any way to avoid this?

>

> I feel like 5 is too young to tell her anything other than " We don't see

Grandma right now because even though she loves us and we love her she has some

grown up stuff to deal with. "

>

> If I let my daughter have the gifts and cards, I am afraid that she will feel

even closer to Nada, who will ultimately hurt her. I'm also afraid that Nada

will intentionally hurt her to get to me. Nada has said that I won't understand

what her pain is like (me being NC) until I " lose " my daughter. I have to take

these kind of things seriously because, frankly, Nada is a nut. My sister

doesn't have children but she actually threatened to do horrible things to her

dog in an effort to " get to " my sister.

>

> Any suggestions?

>

June 9, 2010

If my NADA, were to send things I would give them to my girls (4 and 7).

I'm LC with my step nada and dishrag dad and they send GCs and presents all the

time.

Here is the thing though, kids don't remember " stuff " they get from their

families, they remember the good times.

My 7year old understands why we don't talk to my own mother. She knows that

she's ill and does better on her own, away from stress.

She doesn't LIKE my step-nada, and always feels " weird " around her.

I think kids get more about people than we give them credit for.